THE BUSINESS OF EDUCATION - International Indian

[ FROM CANADA ]
Jenni (half Indian half American) wedding with
Michael Mariano (American)
“
Imagine telling
your conservative
Indian parents you
are going for a
sleep over to your
boyfriend’s house, or
you will be out until
2 am for a party. you
may finally get the
permission to stay
out late but most
westerners can’t
understand why
the fuss.
”
memories of some of the struggles still
remain. “At first it was great, but I think
the adjustments that we both had to make
to overcome our cultural roadblocks got
too much. Of course they weren’t the main
factors. We fell out of love, but I’m sure
being from different cultural backgrounds
didn’t help.” Adjustments are not with
food alone, often just getting used to the
accent could be a drawback. And there
are other subtle differences that show up.
For instance, I thought it was a big deal
when my partner met my folks for the
first time. I insisted it be at a restaurant,
that he should not wear jeans, but be more
formally dressed. I instructed him to pick
the tab, not drink. He on the other hand,
couldn’t understand what the big deal was.
He believed that a natural setting would
be more appropriate, and even stated that
when I meet his folks it would be different.
It’s not that either race don’t respect our
families, it’s just the way we interact with
them is different. For us Indians, parental
approval is paramount. Westerners don’t
necessarily feel that way.
General race stereotypes are also often
true. Single Indians usually live with
their parents (if their parents live in the
same town) until they get married, unlike
westerners who move out when they are 18
years old. Imagine telling your conservative
Indian parents you are going on sleep over
at your boyfriend’s house, or you will be
out till 2 am for a party. You may finally
get the permission to stay out late but most
westerners can’t understand why the fuss.
Social interaction and the way we react
to things are also different. “Westerners
in particular are a lot more pragmatic,
and polite whereas we as a race get more
emotional, take too much to heart,”
says Kiran Mahalingam, a management
consultant who has dated women of
different cultures.
Rashmi Devadasan, a psychologist
married to an American explains that
foreign-born, first generation immigrants
are more likely to have spouses of the same
background. While the second generation
begins to have mixed marriages, “The
third generation is the key to see who will
intermarry.” Among Asians in Canada, the
third generation population is still small, as
this number grows, so will mixed marriages.
She notes that men are more likely to marry
outside their race, and prestige could be a
factor. She also says divorced men are more
likely to enter into a mixed marriage.
It’s more common to see Indians dating
Caucasians, but not with someone of African
origin and I wonder if we are more stuck
up with prejudices and stereotypes. Indian
parents are a lot more accepting of a white
Caucasian partner, but god forbid if you get
an African American or someone of African
descent. Maybe some families can look
beyond color but the general mentality is
that in some way if you are white it’s ok but if
you’re black you’ve sunk too low.
Sarah Jesudian is married to an African
American and lives in Detroit, “Initially
my family was shocked, they thought I had
married one of those rappers, that the color
of his skin meant he was a lower caste. It was
only later once they got to know him better
and once they found out he was actually
smart and a lawyer were they ok, but it took
a while.”
Breaking these general stereotypes can
be a challenge. Often I have discovered
people of other races and our own start out
with the misconception that an Asian wife/
girlfriend will be meek and that she’ll cook
and clean the house. But you quickly learn
that this stereotype isn’t true. As tough
as dating is to begin with, mixing races or
cultures brings complications much tougher
than introducing your date to flan or sweet
potato. Novelty of something new or as
some people call it “Jungle Fever” complex.
A feeling of you and me against the world is
a romantic notion. But what happens when
the romance wears thin?
My parents and his know about us being
in a mixed relationship but like modern day
families, are happy for us on the surface.
But I always wonder what will happen
when they do meet, will my Indian folks
have a feeling of inferiority and be very
subservient or completely snobbish. I
wonder if people will stop giving us those
sly glances when we walk the streets either
with envy or anger. Hopefully one day they
will look at us with indifference.
Rubina Jacob is a free lance writer
based in Canada.
THE INTERNATIONAL INDIAN 67