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Rude Awakenings - Forest Sangha Publications

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^0 L E T T I N G G O 06been a stray they had found and killed; one of the animals brought intothe forest illegally for grazing.After we had left the men, the track began to climb. The scrub aroundus was getting taller, and we could see mature trees on the hillsides aboveus. We were at last getting into real forest, and I felt elated to be amongnature again. I got caught up in an internal debate as to whether I couldask Ajahn Sucitto to stop a bit so that we could walk on later in the day,when wildlife was more likely to be about. Two evenings before, whenwe had been climbing up to the Japanese stupa, we had come upon amale nilgai, a great blue-black antelope the size of a domestic bull. It hadbeen very exciting, and I was hoping to see more. I was so immersed inthis that when I glanced back and thought I saw someone disappearinginto the trees, it registered just for a second before I dismissed it.A J A H N S U C I T T OIt was about expectation, surely; that was the heart of the problem. Iwas expecting India to live up to my projections of a “spiritual place.”What that seemed to mean was that it would allow me to stand backfrom it and feel balanced. And that was a demand that India refused tocomply with. The way out, surely, was in letting go: let go of getting aclear picture, let go of wanting things to be my way, especially as I didn’teven know what “my way” was. Letting go: although it feels like dying,it gives you the freedom to live without self-importance.I remember sitting in the garden of the forest resthouse while Nickwas engaged in the lengthy parleys with the officials; we were about towander off through a forest supposedly infested with bandits. At onepoint even talk of an armed guard arose, but one was not forthcoming.Oh well, I should prepare. There was nothing to prepare. Wait. I had acarefulshave,bytouch,dippingtherazorintomysteelmugof coldwaterand fingering my chin and face. There. Ready to go into the unknown.We walked for an hour, my outer robe folded and tucked over the top2 3 7

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