Lord, please help me to change - Judith Couchman

A TRU E VIE W O F YO UNow she had gon e home , an d I stumbled int o th e ne w yea rwith a burden o f remorse. To me , surlines s towar d Mo m symbol -ized m y sins and failure s of tha t whole , horribl e year . An d n omatter ho w har d I prayed, I couldn't cas t of f the accumulate dguilt.So driving to the ocean wa s my last shot at absolution—fromthe wa y I had treate d m y mother, fro m m y piled-up failures, frommy inability t o change, fro m m y reluctance t o forgive myself. Fo rsome unexplainabl e reason , I felt compelled t o return t o the sea -side spot where 1 had sniped a t Mom the worst—and where water ,a symbol of cleansing, flowe d freely.Pulling m y coat closer , I mentally culle d ou t naggin g sin sand failures , one b y one. After I repented an d aske d Go d fo r forgiveness—andafte r I forgave myself— I imagined dumpin g eac hoffense into the sea .Then I whispered towar d heaven , "Lord , I know You r lov eand forgivenes s run deepe r an d wide r tha n thi s ocean. S o toda yI've repented, an d no w I'm acceptin g you r absolution , once an dfor all. I'm throwin g awa y this guilt, too! "The nex t da y m y spirit lightened . An d fo r weeks after , Irecalled th e "bi g dump" when I felt tempted t o reliv e offenses Ihad discarded .No, you can't pester me, I mentally sai d t o lingering accusa -tions. I threw my guilt into the ocean on that rainy Sunday.Soon, even th e temptatio n t o feel guilty washed away , lost i nthe man y waters of forgiveness.When w e reckon wit h our nee d t o change, w e can fee l ter -y.r ribl e remors e about ho w our behavio r ha s harmed othe rpeople. Bu t once we'v e aske d the m fo r forgiveness, the pardon -ing doesn't end there . It' s equally important t o forgive ourselves.For women, thi s step ca n b e difficult . Because o f lo w selfesteem,famil y background, sensitivity , or emotional wounds , w eoften can' t forgiv e ourselves. W e repeatedl y flo g ourselves t oprove tru e repentance , whe n i n reality , we're refusin g t o gra bGod's grace .We als o stymi e th e chang e process . Unti l w e forgive our -selves for who we've been , it' s difficult to believ e i n who w e ca nbecome.The apostl e Pete r practice d self-forgivenes s that opened th e45