StarCat/CatStar

appreciative remarks are made like “Hey baby, nice set of legs.” “What a
bodacious booty!” “They certainly look real to me.” Two politically correct
police officers stroll over and tell everyone to cut the crap and move along.
You’d rather stay and make a fool of yourself but because they’re cops, and
they have guns, you and your buddies reluctantly go home and watch porn on
TV.
The examples I have given could only take place in a world where guns
were outlawed, because if you had a gun the government would think twice
about gagging you with duct tape and cops wouldn’t tell you to scram so fast.
The fact is if we all owned guns the world would be a better place. People
would get quicker service at the motor vehicles bureau and individuals would
listen more respectfully to each other in the office. Subway rides would be
great adventures because if someone was accidentally jostled, that person
might pull a gun. (I doubt they’d use it though, since everyone on the train
would be packing.) The meekest among us would feel tremendous selfconfidence
knowing that threats by bullies could be easily handled by firing off
a round or two.
This may be hard to imagine, but there are actually some people around
who actually favor gun control. They argue that every year a number of
children die in gun-related accidents; that guns and domestic violence make a
deadly combination (in the US over half of family murders are caused by
handguns); and that individuals do not have a basic right to own weapons that
shoot. My answer to their arguments is this: kapow, kapow, kapow!
Lily-livered-liberal loons cannot be allowed to take away the
fundamental, God-given right that each of has to own a gun. Hey, if the good
lord didn’t want us to have guns he wouldn’t have given us trigger fingers.
And why do you think human beings are at the top of the food chain? It’s
because we got to the ordnance first, ahead of the chimps, apes, and all the
other beasts. If those guys had gotten their paws on the hardware before us,
we’d be the ones in cages at the zoo. Guns are also good for clam digging,
stirring soup, and they make excellent paperweights. There’s nothing like an
AK-47 to keep one’s documents in place.
Author bio: Martin H. Levinson is a member of the Authors Guild, National
Book Critics Circle, and the book review editor for ETC: A Review of General
Semantics. He has published nine books and numerous articles and poems in
various publications. He holds a PhD from NYU and lives in Forest Hills and
Riverhead New York.