The Vegas Voice 2-21

I’m Sorry, But That is Not a Valid Entry
By: Vicki Wentz / Vicki’s Voice
So, I needed to get a prescription refilled
the other day of a medicine for nerve pain.
However, the bottle said “No Refills” which
turned my blood cold.
I knew this meant I actually had to speak to the pharmacist, and
speaking to any human being at any office, store or business ever is
now an almost impossible endeavor.
First, I go to the bathroom. This is vital because I will be unable to do
so for a while. And I need something to drink, to stay hydrated (a bottle
of water is good…a bottle of Skrewball’s Peanut Butter Bourbon is
better).
“Hello!” says Robot Woman. “Welcome to You Can’t Live Without
It Pharmacy! If this is an actual emergency, please hang up and dial
911 (which you seriously ought to know, since every business has had
this on its answering service since 1981!)
It’s good that they put in the part about hanging up first, though…
seriously - WHO NEEDS THESE INSTRUCTIONS?!
“If you have a fever, cough, sore throat, headache, joint pain,
stomach discomfort, loss of taste and/or smell, confusion, dizziness,
nausea, hallucinations, hip or elbow pain, tooth sensitivity,
tinnitus, numbness, bunions, walking in circles, sucking your
thumb, or any other symptom you can possibly name, please stay
inside, pull your shades, lock your doors, call your doctor, and
don’t come anywhere NEAR our pharmacy!” (Robot Woman shows
signs of high anxiety)
“Please listen carefully, as our options have changed (this is a
complete lie, nobody has “changed their options” in 24 years!).
“To hear our hours, press 1. “If you are a doctor’s office, press 2.
“To refill a prescription, press 3.” (I press 3.)
“You have a prescription you would like to refill, is that right? Say yes
or no.” (I say yes.)
“If that’s right, press 1. If not, press 2.” (Hmm…I press 1.)
“Ok!” (she’s so excited for me!) “Do you have the prescription
number of the prescription you would like to renew? Say yes, or no.”
(I say yes.)
“If you have the prescription number, please press 1. If not, press 2.”
(Grrr…I press 1.)
“You do have the prescription number, is that correct? Say yes, or
no.” (I say yes.)
“If that’s correct, press 1. If not, press 2.”
WTH?! At this point, I have no idea what the question is anymore. I
am lost in the forest of numbers and terrified that if I press the wrong
thing a trap door will open beneath me…or worse, it will hang up on
me. (I take a chance and press 1)
“Please enter the prescription number on the top left-hand side of
the bottle…” I enter the number. Nothing. Dead air.
The robot lady is gone…where? Why? I am frantically scanning the
bottle for further numbers, different numbers, ANY numbers!
“I’m sorry, that entry is invalid. Please enter the prescription number
on the top left-hand side of the bottle…(wait for it)…followed by the
pound sign.” (ha,
ha, you can hear
her cackle)
I enter the
number and the
pound sign. “You
entered 12345-678.
Is that correct? Say
yes, or no.”
It’s not. I say
no. I’m sweating
profusely…I try entering the number again. “You entered 54321-678.
Is that correct? Say yes or no.”
I’m not falling for that again. I press 1. “If that is correct, press 1. If
not, press 2.”
I press 1 again…and again…and again…and again…because
I’ve mentally “left the building” now. Just chuckling madly.
Hey, I don’t really need this medicine, you know? How bad can nerve
pain be, really? If it gets too intense, I’ve got this almost-full bottle of
Skrewball that I’m hugging, and that’s gotta take the edge off, am I
right?
Yes. I’m good. Really good.
Vicki Wentz is a writer, teacher and speaker living in North
Carolina. Readers may contact her - and order her new children’s
book! - by visiting her website at www.vickiwentz.com.
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