V20 N46

The Activity Column
Catherine Dugan’s guide to getting out there... this week, save family the trouble and be prepared!
It’s the time of year when the most raucous
debate I want to have with my
family is whether Die Hard is a Christmas
movie. I’m team “yes” — the action takes
place on Christmas Eve, the soundtrack
is full of holiday music, and there’s a character
named Holly. My siblings disagree with me
on this, as on most things, and yet, I would
do anything for these people. That’s why I’m
planning my own (hopefully far off) funeral.
It sounds morbid, but it’s an appropriate
time to get this chore out of the way.
As Dickens noted, Christmas is a time of
ghosts, of “the past, present and future swirling
around us in the dead of the year.” And
this unpleasant task is nothing in comparison
to what John McClane does for his family.
He falls down the stairs under the weight of
a large terrorist. He walks barefoot over broken
glass. He gets shot in the shoulder and
jumps from a burning building — all before
the sequel. Surely, I can make a list of my final
wishes and file it with my will.
We’ve all seen grieving families scramble
to arrange a funeral, and we’ve seen them
quarrel over what the departed would want.
Spare your family this burden. If you think it’s
hard to put your ideas down on paper, imagine
how hard it will be for those left behind. In
most families, it will come down to one person
making the hard decisions and the rest of
the group telling them they did it wrong.
There is comfort in the expected. The
folks at Spilker Funeral Home (spilkerfuner-
alhome.com) have a website offering tips on
planning ahead. You can pay for all or part
of your funeral in advance. If you’d like to be
cremated, look into the rules. Ashes must be
scattered at least three nautical miles out to
sea, for example, and some national parks
require a permit. Consider drafting your obituary,
especially if you have relationships that
defy easy characterization. Talk to the people
you’re considering naming as guardians of
your minor children, and plan for your pets.
Some requests are simple — maybe you
don’t want people to wear black, or you want
to wear your Eagles jersey for eternity. Other
requests are less simple. A man named John
Bowman left a trust to keep his house running,
with the table set for supper, in case he
was reincarnated. Andre Tchaikowsky left his
body to science, except for his skull, which he
hoped would be used in “Hamlet.” Hotelier
Leona Helmsley left a multi-million-dollar
bequest to her dog. Your survivors may not be
able to provide exactly what you want, but you
can give them a place to start.
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December 22, 2022 EXIT ZERO Page 43