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SHAAREI TIKVAH/ CHANUKAH <strong>2009</strong><br />
35<br />
I spoke of the many plans we’d already made. Plans which<br />
would never come to fruition, I kissed my beautiful angel<br />
good bye, before I ever had a chance to welcome him.<br />
special requests from our Father in Heaven. A request<br />
that we soon be father and mother to our own children.<br />
Our prayers were ב"ה answered. After trying years of<br />
infertility, our baby was obviously on its way. The songs<br />
took a new dimension, as we envisioned <strong>Chanukah</strong> a year<br />
from now. We imagined our immaculate dining room<br />
strewn with toys. The quietness disturbed by happy<br />
gurgling and squealing. We continued to sing filled with<br />
hope and yearning. We were anxiously awaiting our own<br />
.נס חנוכה<br />
We concentrated on giving the baby opportunities<br />
before birth to hear Torah thoughts, tefillos, and at this<br />
time <strong>Chanukah</strong> songs. This was the beginning of what<br />
.חינוך הבנים we expected to be a long hard road of<br />
<strong>Chanukah</strong> had a special agenda. I attended the last<br />
Lamaze class and got "the suitcase" ready. The hospital<br />
tour for soon to be parents couldn't be missed. The<br />
selection of a competent pediatrician had to be finalized.<br />
These chores were completed with joy and increasing<br />
anticipation for our long awaited precious baby.<br />
Our baby was born right on schedule. Everything<br />
seemed to click. A competent group of doctors were at<br />
my side. My baby who had been vigorously kicking since<br />
the twentieth week of gestation was not kicking at birth.<br />
He had stopped breathing. He was not born alive. It was<br />
not באשערט for us to take home our beautiful baby boy.<br />
I held my first born son in my arms lovingly. My heart<br />
torn, my dreams shattered. Hot tears flowed freely. I<br />
talked to him, although I knew he couldn't hear me. I<br />
told him of all the love we already felt for him. I spoke<br />
of the many plans we'd already made. Plans which would<br />
never come to fruition. I kissed my beautiful angel good<br />
bye, before I ever had a chance to welcome him.<br />
Our baby changed our lives in these recent months,<br />
elevating us to heights of happiness, and now again a<br />
change. He changed our lives forever.<br />
As I watch the eight dancing flames this <strong>Chanukah</strong>,<br />
I take pride. While pain and sorrow were choking us,<br />
we did not give in to despair. We felt our אמונה being<br />
tested each day. Questions remained unanswered as<br />
we continued to pray. We encouraged each other in<br />
those difficult times. It was not easy for us as we tried<br />
to stand tall and accept the challenge. Coping with<br />
one day at a time made our life more bearable. With<br />
survived. in mind, we זה היום עשה ה' נגילה ונשמחה<br />
One year later a scar remained. But, it is healing, as<br />
we strive to grow from it. Our marriage has become<br />
stronger for having lived through such a heart wrenching<br />
experience together. Inner strengths were discovered<br />
along the road. After all, struggles have a way of making<br />
us grow.<br />
סייעתה דשמיא We pray to Hashem Yisburach to grant us<br />
and הרחבת הדעת that we be able to overcome the<br />
nisyonos He sends our way. That we grow from these<br />
nisyonos by helping ourselves and others.<br />
We sing the last songs and ask for continued strength.<br />
Editor's note: They are now ב"ה the proud parents of<br />
a beautiful 2 month old daughter.
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