Chanukah 5770/2009 - Jewish Infertility

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ CHANUKAH 2009
After many years of enduring different treatments and testing,
we decided that a new approach was needed.
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about it. With this realization came confusion and the feeling
of isolation. We felt so alone.
And so, we embarked upon our journey into the unknown.
Our path led us through difficult and treacherous
topography, its valleys as deep and dark as its mountains
were high and exhilarating. There was no clear map for us
to follow and our journey led us to many different cities in
pursuit of our goal.
After many years of enduring different treatments and
testing, we decided that a new approach was needed. To
that end, we decided to ask a Rov if a particular form of
spiritual effort would be a good idea. He wasn’t keen on
our idea but did send us to Israel to daven at the gravesite
of R’ Shimon Bar Yochai. He encouraged us to daven that
we should merit children and that we should name our
miracle son Shimon after this great Tanna.
Calling the travel agent and booking the last tickets
available on the plane, changing our summer plans and
packing, kept us busy for the next few days until we set of
in earnest. Armed with our Tehillim and a sense of mission
we went to fulfill our assignment. All in all, we were in Israel
for three days. The first day, we went to the Kosel and davened.
The second day we got up at the crack of dawn and
drove to Meron. Although the day was hot, inside the
building the air was cool. Tears welled up in my throat as I
became conscious of how much depended on my prayers
in this place. I sobbed as never before and poured my heart
out in prayer. I felt at one with all the people who had shed
tears at this holy site.
From Meron, we went up the narrow, winding roads to
Tzefat, to daven there at the ancient burial ground of some
of our most famous Tzaddikim. Once again, my wife and I
felt overwhelmed by emotion as we stood at these holy
sites. Again and again, we begged Hashem to give us children,
to allow us the privilege of becoming parents. Tears
that we had stored for years now found an escape through
our heartfelt prayers. We davened here not only for ourselves,
but also for couples we knew, for those who have
been on this difficult journey for longer than we have and
for those who unfortunately were just starting. We prayed
that all our tefillos should be answered.
On the third day of our trip, we were utterly exhausted.
All we could do was relax in the flat in which we were staying
and try to appreciate the atmosphere of Eretz Yisroel.
Returning home, we tried to carry on our lives as before.
Did we have children nine months later, or even within a
year? The answer to that is no. But we did implement
some major life changes, especially in the realms of infertility.
After spending many years at our local clinic, we were
advised to move to a new location. Anyone who has been
in this position will know that one doesn’t change clinics
easily. After all, this clinic knew our history, and just as importantly,
we knew them. My wife knew which nurse
would smile at her despite the early morning rush, she
knew which of the sonographers were more competent,
and we were comfortable with the system. Starting in a
new clinic would be a scary proposition. But clearly, it was
time to move on.
Our evenings became intense and pressured. I continued
my evening learning program whilst my wife had to
prepare for teaching the next day, do a myriad of other
household tasks that never seemed to get finished, pack
up breakfast for the early morning trip, fit in her injections
and make sure to go to bed early. We would have to be up
at four thirty the next morning in order to be at the clinic
for scanning and blood tests.
We did the early morning clinic trips for almost ten
months. We traveled on dark rainy mornings and through
glorious sunrises. We drove and drove. We made a routine
for ourselves and it became familiar. We made sure that
our journeys were productive – even if the outcome of our
trips was not. We listened to shiurim and talked about
things that we never seemed to have time for before. My
wife decided that even if she was not used to being a
‘morning person,’ these are times when you have to change
and be in a good mood because grumpiness would only
have increased the difficulty. Shabbos and Yomim Tovim,
guests and work – all scheduled around cycles at the clinic.
Phone calls and injections, blood test and treatments became
part or our private lives that no one had any idea