Chanukah 5770/2009 - Jewish Infertility

While we are not supposed to rely on miracles and have to do
everything that is normaly required in order to achieve results
SHAAREI TIKVAH/ CHANUKAH 2009
45
what we want is a true relationship. I learned to love and
trust Hashem even when I was very disappointed that He
wouldn’t give me what I wanted.
Second, I realized that sometimes the only way that
Hashem can get us to do what He needs is to prevent us
from having what we want. I realized after having a baby
that there is no way that I could have written so many
books on Judaism if I had had children when I was younger.
Raising children requires so much of my energy that I simply
didn’t have enough left over to write books for years.
Obviously, Hashem wanted me to have children, but not
on my timetable. He needed certain spiritual accomplishments
to occur before it was time for me to be a mother.
Even though I prayed a lot, gave extra tzedakah, and did
other spiritually beneficial acts that didn’t result in my having
a baby, I realized in retrospect that these were not
wasted. No good deed is ever wasted, even if it doesn’t get
us the results or object that we want. Maybe Hashem
specifically made me unable to have children for many
years so that I would deepen my relationship with Him
through prayer and help others by giving extra tzedakah.
Without having this impetus, I would not have done either.
Third, I learned what it feels like to be infertile. I have
helped many other infertile people as a result by giving
them medical, spiritual and emotional counseling. I learned
how insensitive people could be to those who are not
blessed with children.
If I looked at my ordeals only as barriers to my getting
what I wanted, I would have missed much of the point of
life’s challenges. They are supposed to transform us, make
us into more giving, caring individuals. I believe I have been
able to use the suffering that I underwent to make other
people’s lives easier when they are in the same boat.
Fourth, I learned firsthand that Hashem controls nature.
While we are not supposed to rely on miracles, and have
to do everything that is normally required in order to
achieve results, I was privileged to experience how the
Almighty overturns nature when it suits His purposes.
We are often misled into believing that what doctors
tell us is the truth and that life and death are in their hands.
We need to remember that doctors are only Hashem’s
agents and He is the ultimate Healer and Giver of Life.
When we believe only in what is rational or natural, we limit
our lives. When we attach ourselves to our Creator, and to
His constant providence, miracles can, and do, occur.
Fifth, I realized the importance of doing Jewish rituals
correctly. Life is in the details. Does it really matter if I perform
a commandment this way or that way, or observe it
only in my heart? The answer is yes. Just as there are prescribed
dosed of medication to take when a person is sick,
or specific ways of wiring a house so that machines there
will function properly, spiritual matters must also be done
with attention to details. Within six months of having my
kesubah changed, two other infertile friends of mine had
theirs changed as well. (It doesn’t take a mystic to do this,
only a rabbi who is properly versed in how to write a Jewish
marriage document.) Each couple had been unable to have
children for seven years. One couple now has three and the
other has two children. The women got pregnant within a
few months of having their kesubahs changed.
Finally, I learned the power of prayer. We sometimes
think that we should only pray as a last resort, and then
when we don’t get the results we want, we don’t do it again
for a long time.
Learning Torah is the way that we hear Hashem talking to
us. Praying is the way that we talk to Him. Every relationship
requires communication with our Creator. We may not
necessarily get the things that we want, but we can always
have the relationship that we want. Being close to Hashem
can change us so drastically that we become people who
are worthy of getting blessings that are out of this world. I
will forever be grateful that I got both.
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Dr. Aiken is the co-author of the Art of Jewish Prayer and
What Your Unborn Baby Wants You To Know. She is the
author of To Be A Jewish Woman, Why Me, G-d? A Jewish
Guide to Coping with Suffering, Beyond Bashert: A Guide
to Dating and Marriage Enrichment, and The Hidden
Beauty of the Shema. Her books have been reprinted numerous
times, received popular acclaim and have been distributed
worldwide in English-speaking countries and Israel.
To Be A Jewish Woman has also been translated into Spanish
and The Art of Jewish Prayer has been translated into
Portuguese. Lisa’s latest book, Guide for the Romantically
Perplexed (Devora Press) is now available. She is available
for speaking engagements.