Chanukah 5770/2009 - Jewish Infertility

SHAAREI TIKVAH/ CHANUKAH 2009
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conceived?” Or, “you mean you don’t feel any differently
about this child than you do about his sibling whom you
did conceive?” Everyone expressed joy, acceptance, even
gratitude. I looked for the cracks in this yellow brick road.
“Do you think,” I’d ask my husband, “that there’s some
kind of conspiracy? They’re enthusiastic because they
want more members in their club?”
We stayed in treatment, and
waited for this phenomenon called
“resolution” to occur. We decided to
honor the time it was taking us, for
there may be good reason for it. We
weren’t simply procrastinating. We returned
to prayer. During those early
years, I felt Hashem had lost track of
us – we felt beyond His reach, forgotten,
and overlooked. Now we had to
put our faith back in Him. We had to
believe that He had a plan for us and
that we just had to ride it out to learn
what it was. We cried. We read. We
thought. We prayed. A rabbi once
told us that changes are usually made
when the status quo is more painful
than the change. I began to pray for
the courage to make a change. Suddenly my Shabbos
prayers shifted: “Please help us realize Your way. Help us
have the courage to make new choices, if that’s what You
want, with dignity and a smile on our faces.” I prayed for
the strength to literally cross the street, from the side of
infertility treatment and the focus on conceiving a child,
to the other side where there are other wonderful options
for building a family. Looking back, this was a time
of growth and healing and renewal.
We knew adoption
would give
us the family we
so desperately
wanted, but it
was stepped in
layers of loss, pain
and failure.
While vacationing, I casually mentioned to a relative
who is a college professor that if he ever encountered a
pregnant student, to consider us because we were planning
to adopt. Later, I realized that I had said it without
an overriding emotion. I had ‘stood tall’ behind the
statement, not shrunk from it. It was, finally something
that I clearly wanted, something that I could yell from
the rooftops. “Hooray, we’re adopting.
We’re so happy to be adopting.
Help us to adopt.” My husband, who
had said he was ready a few months
before, was delighted to hear I had
also shifted. In those early months,
we took our first sure but unsteady
steps, as we charted our adoption
plan and I continued to experience
the fear and excitement of that shift.
I prayed for the courage to stay this
course. It seemed a miraculous shift
then, and there were still certain
moments of doubt and fear. But,
looking back, it was less miraculous
than a product of hard work, prayer
and pure desire to be happy in the
choice we make before we actually
made it.
And, are we happy? We are today the parents – oh
my gosh, did I say parents? – of a six month old gorgeous,
joyful, healthy and strong willed child, exactly
the child we always envisioned. And thank G-d for him.
We know he was meant for us and we were meant for
him. He was what we were being prepared for all along.
And may you, dear reader, also realize your dreams in
the blink of an eye.