a guide to supporting children exposed to domestic violence

Tommy’s story
Tommy clung to his mother and wailed for at least an hour when she left him at
daycare. He did not want to play, hid under a table, and tried to hit staff or other
children when they approached him. He liked Ingrid, a quiet, gentle, patient worker.
He would sit on her knee, sucking his thumb. Once he told her, “Mommy – hurt.”
with another child. Toddlers are “egocentric.” This means that they think that they
are most important and at the centre of everything. This explains why they don’t
feel the need to share toys, and have little understanding of other people’s
feelings. (Some people think that abusers are still stuck at this stage!)
When a woman is being abused and has a toddler:
• The toddler may react by imitating the abusive behaviour that they are
witnessing. This can include hitting and biting, hurting pets, screaming and
yelling, and breaking toys. The toddler may be mimicking the abuser’s
disrespectful attitude. If left alone toddlers may hurt themselves or others.
• The toddler may react to the tension in the home by whining, clinging, crying,
having eating or sleeping problems, or withdrawing.
• Toddlers sometimes try to comfort themselves by rocking, sucking their thumbs,
or touching their private parts.
• Sometimes the stress causes the child to get sick more often.
PRESCHOOLERS
Children between the age of three and five are still very dependent on their
parents.
Their parents care for them, give them hugs and encouragement, keep them safe,
supervise their play, guide their interactions with other children, and help them
learn the skills that they will need when they go to school.
Parents are still playing a major role in shaping preschoolers’ behaviour by
modelling, praising, encouraging, giving simple instructions, setting limits, and
having basic rules.
Children in this age group are able to speak and make others aware of their
needs. They are or are about to be toilet trained. They are learning the meaning
HELPING MY CHILD A GUIDE TO SUPPORTING CHILDREN EXPOSED TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE 17