Blackout_ Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget - Sarah Hepola
I’m in Paris on a magazine assignment, which is exactly as great as it sounds. I eat dinner at a restaurant so fancy I have to keep resisting the urge to drop my fork just to see how fast someone will pick it up. I’m drinking cognac—the booze of kings and rap stars—and I love how the snifter sinks between the crooks of my fingers, amber liquid sloshing up the sides as I move it in a figure eight. Like swirling the ocean in the palm of my hand.
I’m in Paris on a magazine assignment, which is exactly as great as it sounds. I eat dinner at a
restaurant so fancy I have to keep resisting the urge to drop my fork just to see how fast someone will
pick it up. I’m drinking cognac—the booze of kings and rap stars—and I love how the snifter sinks
between the crooks of my fingers, amber liquid sloshing up the sides as I move it in a figure eight.
Like swirling the ocean in the palm of my hand.
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orrowed. She couldn’t miss <strong>the</strong> silver glint of contraband in <strong>the</strong> dim light.<br />
I couldn’t predict how my parents were going <strong>to</strong> react <strong>to</strong> this discovery. They were so different<br />
than o<strong>the</strong>r parents. Half my friends’ folks had divorced by <strong>the</strong>n. Jennifer’s fa<strong>the</strong>r lived in an<br />
undecorated apartment across <strong>to</strong>wn. Stephanie’s mo<strong>the</strong>r moved <strong>the</strong> girls in<strong>to</strong> a duplex, while her dad<br />
began a slow drift that would take him out of her life completely. All those shiny, happy families,<br />
splintered in<strong>to</strong> cus<strong>to</strong>dy arrangements and second marriages. And yet, somehow, my parents stayed<br />
<strong>to</strong>ge<strong>the</strong>r. My mom was happier, less volatile now—a result of her intensive <strong>the</strong>rapy, four times a<br />
week. We used <strong>to</strong> joke that for <strong>the</strong> price of a new home, we got a healthy mo<strong>the</strong>r. My parents may<br />
have argued <strong>the</strong>ir way through my elementary school years, but by <strong>the</strong> time <strong>the</strong>y sat me down in <strong>the</strong><br />
living room that night, <strong>the</strong>y were united.<br />
“Your fa<strong>the</strong>r and I would like <strong>to</strong> know where you got this beer,” my mo<strong>the</strong>r said.<br />
I wasn’t sure how <strong>to</strong> spin this episode. How much reality could <strong>the</strong>y handle? I’d been drinking for<br />
years at this point with such assurance that playing dumb would be an insult <strong>to</strong> my pride. At <strong>the</strong> same<br />
time, my folks were on <strong>the</strong> naive end, and most of what <strong>the</strong>y knew about underage drinking came from<br />
60 Minutes–style segments where teenagers wound up in hospitals. Of course, things really did spin<br />
out of control at some of our parties, and even I was uncomfortable with <strong>the</strong> level of oblivion. A<br />
friend had recently crashed his car while driving drunk. I was worried about him—but it gave me an<br />
idea.<br />
“I know it’s upsetting <strong>to</strong> find something like this,” I <strong>to</strong>ld my parents. “But what you don’t realize is<br />
that I’m holding <strong>the</strong> beer for a friend, who has a drinking problem.”<br />
I hated lying <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong>m. They were so earnest. I felt like I was kicking a cocker spaniel in <strong>the</strong> teeth.<br />
But <strong>the</strong> lie was necessary, <strong>the</strong> same way I had <strong>to</strong> tell <strong>the</strong>m Miles and I were “just talking” during all<br />
those late nights we drove around in his 1972 Chevy Nova. The lies allowed me <strong>to</strong> continue doing<br />
what I wanted, but <strong>the</strong>y also shielded my folks from guilt and fear. Kids lie <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong>ir parents for <strong>the</strong><br />
same reason <strong>the</strong>ir parents lie <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong>m. We’re all trying <strong>to</strong> protect each o<strong>the</strong>r.<br />
My dad wasn’t quite convinced. “Look me in <strong>the</strong> eye, and tell me that’s not your beer.”<br />
I leveled my gaze with his. “That’s not my beer,” I said, without a tic of doubt in my voice. And I<br />
thought: Holy shit. Is it really going <strong>to</strong> be this easy?<br />
It was. I wasn’t displaying any of <strong>the</strong> classic distress signals. I was on <strong>the</strong> honor roll. I had a<br />
boyfriend everyone liked. I beat out Stephanie for <strong>the</strong> lead in <strong>the</strong> senior play. On Sundays, I ran <strong>the</strong><br />
nursery at my parents’ progressive, gay-friendly church, and I even landed my first job, at a center for<br />
Children of Alcoholics, because I was <strong>the</strong> sort of kid who helped o<strong>the</strong>r kids—whe<strong>the</strong>r <strong>the</strong>y were<br />
<strong>to</strong>ddlers I’d never see again or baseball stars vomiting in <strong>the</strong> bushes and crying about <strong>the</strong> mo<strong>the</strong>r who<br />
never loved <strong>the</strong>m.<br />
By senior year, a bunch of us would ga<strong>the</strong>r on Friday nights in a parking lot behind an apartment<br />
complex. Not just drama kids, but drill team dancers, band nerds, jocks, Bible bangers. We’d all gone<br />
<strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> devil’s side now.<br />
And <strong>the</strong> more I drank with <strong>the</strong>m, <strong>the</strong> more I realized my mo<strong>the</strong>r was right. We really were all <strong>the</strong><br />
same. We’d all struggled, we’d all hurt. And nothing made me feel connected <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> kids I once hated<br />
like sharing a beer or three. Alcohol is a loneliness drug. It has many powers, but <strong>to</strong> a teenager like<br />
me, none was more enticing. No one had <strong>to</strong> be an outsider anymore. Everyone liked everyone else<br />
when we were drinking, as though some fresh powder of belonging had been crop-dusted over <strong>the</strong><br />
Commons.