Blackout_ Remembering the Things I Drank to Forget - Sarah Hepola
I’m in Paris on a magazine assignment, which is exactly as great as it sounds. I eat dinner at a restaurant so fancy I have to keep resisting the urge to drop my fork just to see how fast someone will pick it up. I’m drinking cognac—the booze of kings and rap stars—and I love how the snifter sinks between the crooks of my fingers, amber liquid sloshing up the sides as I move it in a figure eight. Like swirling the ocean in the palm of my hand.
I’m in Paris on a magazine assignment, which is exactly as great as it sounds. I eat dinner at a
restaurant so fancy I have to keep resisting the urge to drop my fork just to see how fast someone will
pick it up. I’m drinking cognac—the booze of kings and rap stars—and I love how the snifter sinks
between the crooks of my fingers, amber liquid sloshing up the sides as I move it in a figure eight.
Like swirling the ocean in the palm of my hand.
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you <strong>to</strong> imperil our amazing friendship?<br />
Dave and I liked <strong>to</strong> get drunk <strong>to</strong>ge<strong>the</strong>r and make each o<strong>the</strong>r laugh. Our nights were a game of<br />
comedic one-upmanship. How far can we push this moment? What never-before-seen trick can I<br />
invent? I was using a lot of moves from Showgirls, a terrible film about a dancer who becomes a<br />
stripper (or something). The movie was my favorite, because <strong>the</strong> dialogue was criminally heinous.<br />
Oh, <strong>the</strong> cheap high of youthful superiority: so much more fun <strong>to</strong> kick over sand castles than <strong>to</strong> build<br />
your own.<br />
One night Dave and I were walking across <strong>the</strong> near-empty gardens of an Ok<strong>to</strong>berfest. I was drunk.<br />
(Of course I was drunk. I was always, always drunk.) A 70-year-old man in lederhosen approached<br />
us, bent like a candy cane, and I lifted up my shirt and flashed my bra. No warning, no prompting.<br />
Just: So wrong.<br />
Dave almost fell <strong>to</strong> <strong>the</strong> cement he was laughing so hard. I got so high capsizing him this way.<br />
Because if I couldn’t be <strong>the</strong> girl he loved—that would be my roommate, Tara—<strong>the</strong>n I needed <strong>to</strong> be <strong>the</strong><br />
girl who brought him <strong>to</strong> his knees.<br />
Tara was a sweet roommate. She sang daffy little nonsense songs while she cooked eggs and<br />
bacon for Dave and me on a hungover Sunday. She decorated <strong>the</strong> apartment with sunflowers and fleamarket<br />
knickknacks. She opened <strong>the</strong> curtains, and Dave and I hissed like vampires, but Tara knew <strong>the</strong><br />
light would lift our moods. That’s how I thought of her—as sunshine that spilled on<strong>to</strong> darkness.<br />
Never<strong>the</strong>less, one morning, she sat me down and gave me one of Those Talks. “You kept calling me a<br />
bitch last night,” she said, and I thought: No way. You’re such a swee<strong>the</strong>art.<br />
There was only one explanation for my behavior. It was <strong>the</strong> bourbon’s fault.<br />
Dave had turned us on <strong>to</strong> bourbon. Jim Beam. Maker’s Mark. Evan Williams. He walked around<br />
our ragers with a tumbler, drinking his Manhattan. He was in<strong>to</strong> that masculine romance: fast cars and<br />
cowboy boots and <strong>the</strong> throb of a blues song so old you could still hear <strong>the</strong> crackle in <strong>the</strong> recording.<br />
He referred <strong>to</strong> bourbon as a “real drink,” which pissed me off so much I had <strong>to</strong> join him.<br />
I had never cared much for liquor. To be honest, I was afraid of it. I liked <strong>the</strong> butterfly kisses of a<br />
light lager, which whisked me off in<strong>to</strong> a carefully modulated oblivion, and bourbon was like being<br />
bent over a couch 20 minutes in<strong>to</strong> your date. But Tara started drinking bourbon, and so obviously I<br />
had <strong>to</strong> follow.<br />
My group made fun of girls who couldn’t hold <strong>the</strong>ir booze. Girls who threw up after two drinks.<br />
Girls who needed <strong>to</strong> spike <strong>the</strong>ir cocktails with fruit and candy, turning <strong>the</strong>ir alcohol in<strong>to</strong> birthday<br />
cake. I prided myself on a hearty constitution. So I sauntered up <strong>to</strong> those amber bottles, and I learned<br />
<strong>to</strong> swallow <strong>the</strong>ir violence. Do that enough, and you will reorient your whole pleasure system.<br />
Butterfly kisses become boring. You crave blood. Hit me, mo<strong>the</strong>rfucker. Hit me harder this time.<br />
We were on a road trip <strong>to</strong> Dallas for <strong>the</strong> Texas-OU football game when I went off <strong>the</strong> rails. I<br />
never liked football. I hated <strong>the</strong> rah-rah gridiron nonsense that defined my alma mater and my home<br />
state. But Tara and Dave didn’t share my grump. They had insignia clo<strong>the</strong>s and koozies and all that<br />
shit. One Friday afternoon, <strong>the</strong>y loaded in<strong>to</strong> a friend’s Ford Explorer, and I had little choice but <strong>to</strong> go<br />
with <strong>the</strong>m. The only fate worse than football was being left behind.<br />
Dave was sitting in <strong>the</strong> passenger seat, controlling <strong>the</strong> flow of music and booze. He mixed Jim<br />
Beam and Coke in<strong>to</strong> plastic cups big enough <strong>to</strong> swim in.<br />
“Don’t drink this <strong>to</strong>o fast,” he <strong>to</strong>ld me, because Dave was like that. A protec<strong>to</strong>r. He’d been a<br />
lifeguard in high school, and he still surveyed every party for anyone in danger of drowning.