HEALTHY FAMILIES FOR ETERNITY

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To experience the joys that marriage was meant to bring, it’s important to keep these timetested principles in mind: TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE YEARS, YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT THROUGH THE DAYS—ONE DAY AT A TIME. We recently celebrated 30 years of marriage. Our marriage has not been all fun and games, but celebrated is the perfect word to describe what we feel when we look back at all of the emotional, spiritual, physical, and intellectual experiences we’ve had together. As we look back, we know that our marriage has been an extraordinary and satisfying experience we would do all over again: it is the place where we have found the most emotional support, connection, and safety. But, in order to make it through the years, we had to make it through the days—one at a time. A husband and wife must be intentional about connecting with each other in meaningful ways every day—listening to each other, holding hands, doing acts of kindness. It’s through the little things in life that you convey to your spouse that they have special value to you. TRYING TO GROW A STRONG RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT HEALTHY COMMUNICATION IS LIKE ATTEMPTING TO MAKE APPLE JUICE WITHOUT APPLES. Over the years, these small daily encounters add up, building a marriage that feels safe to the couple, a marriage that can withstand difficulties along the way. In their book The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier, and Better Off Financially, sociologist Linda J. Waite and Maggie Gallagher describe the security that comes from a committed marriage: “Husbands and wives offer each other companionship, sex, partnership, but they also offer each other a type of insurance that is better than any policy either of them could buy to protect themselves against life’s unexpected events.” Trying to grow a strong relationship without healthy communication is like attempting to make apple juice without apples. It is simply impossible. Healthy communication is the principal skill in maintaining marriage intimacy. The more intimate the relationship becomes, the more sensitive and humble the communication must be. MARRIAGE ISN’T JUST ABOUT RAISING KIDS AND SPLITTING CHORES. Prominent psychologist John M. Gottman, author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, proposes: “Marriage isn’t just about raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together—a culture rich with symbols and rituals.” The Bible states, “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver” (Proverbs 25:11, NKJV). This is how couples create an inner life together—by treating words as precious and communicating as if giving gifts of gold and silver. THE QUALITY OF YOUR MARRIAGE DEPENDS ON THE QUALITY OF YOUR COMMUNICATION. The quality of your marriage will depend on the quality of your communication. Couples who communicate frequently and tenderly experience a level of intimacy that couples who communicate infrequently and harshly can never reach. SEMINAR 37 AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER
HEALTHY FAMILIES FOR ETERNITY REACH THE WORLD 38 YOUR SPOUSE HAS AN EMOTIONAL BANK ACCOUNT. DEPOSIT MORE THAN YOU WITHDRAW. The emotional bank account is like any other bank account: you can only make withdrawals from an account that has something in it. In a bank account, if you’re making more withdrawals than deposits, pretty soon there will be no money available. The same is true of the marriage relationship. You can’t expect to get, get, get without putting something into the account first. When you are kind to your spouse, you are making deposits in their emotional account. The more deposits you make, the more rich your relationship will be. The opposite—trying to get more than you give—leads to a relationship that is bankrupt. So, how are you doing with deposits in your spouse’s emotional bank account? Are you kind, patient, affirming, loving, and forgiving on a regular basis? Or, are you more commonly sarcastic, impatient, critical, demanding, and crude? IF YOU DON’T LET THINGS GO, YOU WILL BECOME BITTER AND ANGRY. Forgiveness is another essential element in your journey of enhancing your relationships. The ancient wisdom of Ephesians 4:31, 32 offers this timeless counsel: “Get rid of your bitterness, hot tempers, anger, loud quarreling, cursing, and hatred. Be kind to each other, sympathetic, forgiving each other as God has forgiven you through Christ”. The problems listed in that passage— bitterness, hot tempers, anger, loud quarreling, cursing, hatred—can easily escalate, building one upon the other. So it’s better to stop the cycle as soon as it begins—and that usually means letting something go before it sets off bitterness (and everything else that will follow). Bitterness is an established resentment that poisons the entire inner person. Our spouse does something we don’t like, so we harbor bitterness against them, and hot tempers start to boil. That leads to anger, which is the blast on the outside of the feelings on the inside. Anger invariably leads to loud quarreling or cursing. Sometimes we would do well to let things blow over instead of letting them blow up. So then, how about your marriage? Have you been contributing to healthy or toxic interactions? Can you be honest with yourself about what you have (or have not been doing) to add to the distress or improvement of your marriage? Are you determined to do all you can to make your marriage a place where your spouse feels safe, cared for, and affirmed? It takes effort to build a great marriage, but it’s worth it. If you make the commitment to stay connected, your marriage will not just survive the years but will thrive in your daily life. Reprinted from the January/February 2015 issue of Vibrant Life, www.vibrantlife.com. Used with permission.
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HEALTHY FAMILIES FOR ETERNITY

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