HEALTHY FAMILIES FOR ETERNITY

HEALTHY FAMILIES FOR ETERNITY REACH THE WORLD
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Q - My husband and I have been divorced for
almost five years, and we are still beefin’ with
each other. Last week my 15-year-old daughter
saw something I posted on Facebook about
her dad that was pretty hateful. Of course, that
was said only after he said some pretty hateful
things about me. How do we stop this toxic
cycle and coparent in a more positive way?
A - We are really sorry to hear about this
toxic cycle between you and your ex-husband.
Below are several suggestions that will help
you get your relationship on a different track.
1. Keep your business off
Facebook, Twitter, and other
social media outlets!
Everybody on your “friends list” is not
your friend. And even friends, who are trying
to be supportive, may lead you down the
wrong path. We’re pretty sure that when you
or your husband posted your hateful remarks
about each other, someone “liked” it. This
type of affirmation is actually negative and
not what you need to help you get your
relationship on a right track. Resist the urge
to make your private life public. Facebook is
not private!
Willie Oliver, PhD, CFLE and Elaine Oliver, MA, CFLE are
Directors of the Department of Family Ministries at the General
Conference of Seventh-day Adventists World Headquarters in
Silver Spring, Maryland, USA.
CoParenting in a
Toxic Ex-Relationship
WILLIE AND ELAINE OLIVER
2. Manage your emotions
One of the biggest challenges in coparenting
after a divorce is managing emotions. No
matter the reason for the divorce, there’s still
pain. No one who gets married expects to get
divorced. Divorce sepa rates two people who
were intimately joined—emotionally, physically,
and spiritually—and you will heal only as you go
through an intentional process of forgiveness and
reconciliation. Sometimes this requires help
from a qualified professional, such as a pastor
or counselor.
3. Focus on your children
It is important that you put your children
first. The people who are most hurt after a
divorce are children. So making sure their
emotional needs are cared for is essential to
their future well-being, including success in
school, how sick or healthy they will be, and
managing their own future relationships. At
this point you and your ex-husband need to
learn to put the needs of your children before
your own. Don’t ever put them in the middle
and make them choose sides.
4. Commit to learning how to
communicate better
This is sound advice for everyone.
“Everyone should be quick to listen, slow
to speak and slow to become angry” (James
1:19, NIV). Everyone communicates daily,