HEALTHY FAMILIES FOR ETERNITY

thought about why Tammy might be feeling distressed
you could say something like: “Tammy, it looks to me as
if you might be feeling a bit sad because your tower fell
down? Is that right?” Tammy is more likely to calm down
when she feels understood and when she feels close to you.
Asking and listening
Ask people about how they feel and listen to what
they have to say. Don’t tell them they shouldn’t have
those emotions. Put yourself in their shoes, understand
and accept their feelings.This can help them to manage
their difficult feelings better. If they sense that you don’t
understand their feelings, or that you’re critical, this can
add to their distress and make it even harder for them
to manage their emotions. So rather than saying to your
child: ‘Don’t fuss about not going to Tommy’s party. I’m
sure there’ll be other parties soon!’ you might say: ‘You’re
disappointed that Tommy didn’t invite you to his party. I
know how sad it feels when your friends leave you out of
their fun.’
Invite people to talk when you think something is
bothering them. ‘It looks as if you might be worried
about something. Would you like to talk about it?’ Listen
to them carefully, and then help them to find their own
solutions. Ask them about their ideas for solving the
problem and help them to think about what would work
best. This teaches them to manage their fears and worries
A little understanding goes a long way
It’s important to let your child or friend know that
you understand their feelings. Knowing their feelings are
understood can help them to calm down a little. It can
also help them to feel supported and cared for. Once they
know their feelings have been accepted and understood,
you may be able to lead them to think about another time
when they managed their negative emotions well. ‘I can
see that you’re beginning to feel a bit scared about going
to your swimming class. Remember a couple of week’s ago
when you felt scared, and then you stopped being scared
when you remembered how much fun you had playing
the ball game in the water? I wonder what fun things the
teacher will do today?’
Catch them managing their emotions well
Tell your child when you’ve noticed how well they are
trying to manage their emotions. When you notice their
efforts and give them positive feedback, they know they
are on the right track and they feel motivated to manage
their emotions well next time. Say things like, ‘I noticed
how still you were when the big dog bounced up to you. I
think you were trying really hard to be brave!’ ‘Well done
for staying calm and not getting angry with your sister
when she scribbled on your picture.’
Set clear limits
Sometimes, however hard we try, children can become
overwhelmed by their feelings, and they may hit out or
yell, or behave in unsafe or inappropriate ways. When this
happens, acknowledge their feelings but set clear limits. ‘I
know that you’re really angry that we can’t go to the park
today, but it’s not OK to throw your toys around.’
The power of distraction
Help your friends, family members and children to
distract themselves when they are bothered about something.
Doing a puzzle, making something, reading a happy book,
helping with the dinner, going for a walk with you, or even
just having a drink of water can help them to feel calmer again
and focus on something else. (Philippians 4:8).
No shame
Never shame someone for having negative emotions, or
tease them about being afraid. Treat them with respect and
don’t call them names when they are angry, sad or afraid, such
as Hothead, Crybaby or Scaredy-Pants. It’s very important
that children don’t grow up believing that negative
emotions are wrong, because this will add extra guilt
and shame onto their heavy pile of difficult and complex
feelings. They will be less likely to tell you when they are
struggling with their negative feelings if they have been
teased or rejected when they expressed them in the past. If
they don’t feel able to talk about their emotions they may
hide them and not let you know when they really do need
your emotional support. (Romans 12:10).
Be honest
When you know your child is going to experience
pain (e.g. when having a shot or a blood test) tell them
it will hurt. Otherwise they may experience more distress
and an increase in negative emotions when they discover
that you lied to them. They will also learn not to trust
what you say about emotions, feelings and pain. Try saying
something like: You are going to have an injection soon. I
am very sorry that it will hurt a bit, but probably only for a
little while. Because it will hurt, I am going to be here with
you to help you feel better, and I’ll hold you until the pain
goes away again.’
Be aware
Stay closely connected to each person in your
family. Notice if someone is withdrawing socially, eating
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NURTURING HEALTHY EMOTIONS