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catch my breath. After days in the bunker, I'm squinting no matter what direction I turn, and the light hurts. Even in<br />
the cool breeze, sweat trickles down my face.<br />
"So, what exactly do you need from me again?" I ask.<br />
"Just a few quick lines that show you're alive and still fighting," says Cressida.<br />
"Okay." I take my position and then I'm staring into the red light. Staring. Staring. "I'm sorry, I've got nothing."<br />
Cressida walks up to me. "You feeling okay?" I nod. She pulls a small cloth from her pocket and blots my<br />
face. "How about we do the old Q-and-A thing?"<br />
"Yeah. That would help, I think." I cross my arms to hide the shaking. Glance at Finnick, who gives me a<br />
thumbs-up. But he's looking pretty shaky himself.<br />
Cressida's back in position now. "So, Katniss. You've survived the Capitol bombing of Thirteen. How did it<br />
compare with what you experienced on the ground in Eight?"<br />
"We were so far underground this time, there was no real danger. Thirteen's alive and well and so am--" My<br />
voice cuts off in a dry, squeaking sound.<br />
"Try the line again," says Cressida. "'Thirteen's alive and well and so am I.'"<br />
I take a breath, trying to force air down into my diaphragm. "Thirteen's alive and so--" No, that's wrong.<br />
I swear I can still smell those roses.<br />
"Katniss, just this one line and you're done today. I promise," says Cressida. "'Thirteen's alive and well and<br />
so am I.'"<br />
I swing my arms to loosen myself up. Place my fists on my hips. Then drop them to my sides. Saliva's filling<br />
my mouth at a ridiculous rate and I feel vomit at the back of my throat. I swallow hard and open my lips so I can<br />
get the stupid line out and go hide in the woods and--that's when I start crying.<br />
It's impossible to be the <strong>Mocking</strong>jay. Impossible to complete even this one sentence. Because now I know<br />
that everything I say will be directly taken out on Peeta. Result in his torture. But not his death, no, nothing so<br />
merciful as that. Snow will ensure that his life is much worse than death.<br />
"Cut," I hear Cressida say quietly.<br />
"What's wrong with her?" Plutarch says under his breath.<br />
"She's figured out how Snow's using Peeta," says Finnick.<br />
There's something like a collective sigh of regret from the semicircle of people spread out before me.<br />
Because I know this now. Because there will never be a way for me to not know this again. Because, beyond the<br />
military disadvantage losing a <strong>Mocking</strong>jay entails, I am broken.<br />
Several sets of arms would embrace me. But in the end, the only person I truly want to comfort me is<br />
Haymitch, because he loves Peeta, too. I reach out for him and say something like his name and he's there,<br />
holding me and patting my back. "It's okay. It'll be okay, sweetheart." He sits me on a length of broken marble<br />
pillar and keeps an arm around me while I sob.<br />
"I can't do this anymore," I say.<br />
"I know," he says.<br />
"All I can think of is--what he's going to do to Peeta--because I'm the <strong>Mocking</strong>jay!" I get out.<br />
"I know." Haymitch's arm tightens around me.<br />
"Did you see? How weird he acted? What are they--doing to him?" I'm gasping for air between sobs, but I<br />
manage one last phrase. "It's my fault!" And then I cross some line into hysteria and there's a needle in my arm<br />
and the world slips away.<br />
It must be strong, whatever they shot into me, because it's a full day before I come to. My sleep wasn't<br />
peaceful, though. I have the sense of emerging from a world of dark, haunted places where I traveled alone.<br />
Haymitch sits in the chair by my bed, his skin waxen, his eyes bloodshot. I remember about Peeta and start to<br />
tremble again.<br />
Haymitch reaches out and squeezes my shoulder. "It's all right. We're going to try to get Peeta out."<br />
"What?" That makes no sense.<br />
"Plutarch's sending in a rescue team. He has people on the inside. He thinks we can get Peeta back<br />
alive," he says.<br />
"Why didn't we before?" I say.<br />
"Because it's costly. But everyone agrees this is the thing to do. It's the same choice we made in the arena.<br />
To do whatever it takes to keep you going. We can't lose the <strong>Mocking</strong>jay now. And you can't perform unless you<br />
know Snow can't take it out on Peeta." Haymitch offers me a cup. "Here, drink something."<br />
I slowly sit up and take a sip of water. "What do you mean, costly?"