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Ashley (right) and wife<br />
Morgana (left)<br />
Social media makes it easier for<br />
the defiantly different to find each<br />
other; a refuelling stop before we<br />
go out into the world again<br />
extent I wanted to take<br />
them in 2010, having<br />
changed my name in 2005.<br />
I took the full version of<br />
a nickname I’d chosen in<br />
1996, when I was 10 – the<br />
year I’d cut my hair short.<br />
There had never been<br />
a time, in the five years<br />
my parents had allowed<br />
me to choose my own<br />
clothes, that I’d gone for<br />
dresses, despite growing<br />
up with several friends<br />
who were happy being<br />
girls, and saw no reason<br />
why tree-climbing and<br />
skateboarding couldn’t be<br />
done in pretty, feminine<br />
clothes. I knew women<br />
who were practical and<br />
competent. But I’d always<br />
headed for jeans and<br />
T-shirts. I built dens, drove<br />
go-karts, climbed trees,<br />
and created elaborate<br />
stories that I acted out with<br />
my toy cars and Lego.<br />
Morgana had just started<br />
to bring her feminine self<br />
into the world when we<br />
met in 2013, having gone<br />
through the route of not<br />
really identifying with<br />
gender or sexuality at<br />
all, thinking she must be<br />
a gay man, because she<br />
didn’t feel anything for<br />
the girls her male friends<br />
were pursuing, and then<br />
coming across the idea of<br />
asexuality, and feeling that<br />
made a lot more sense<br />
than anything else.<br />
She is still asexual, as<br />
am I, but her hair has<br />
grown out into a long,<br />
thick waterfall of dark<br />
curls, while the summer<br />
dresses that contrasted so<br />
strikingly with that short<br />
hair have been replaced<br />
with pastel jeans, vintageinspired<br />
blouses, and<br />
humorous T-shirts.<br />
Morgana and I both<br />
live with mental health<br />
and neurodiversity, and<br />
this has caused a lot of<br />
difficulty in our path to<br />
introducing the world to<br />
ourselves.<br />
My initial referral to<br />
Charing Cross Gender<br />
Identity Clinic, London,<br />
was delayed for almost a<br />
year and a half, because<br />
I have schizophrenia.<br />
This, it was believed,<br />
meant that a ‘lack of a<br />
permanent sense of self’<br />
made it impossible for me<br />
to be trans, even though<br />
I’d been permanently<br />
identifying as ‘not a girl’<br />
for at least a decade prior<br />
to making it in front of a<br />
gender identity specialist.<br />
Despite the unwavering<br />
insistence of just about<br />
every part of the medical<br />
community that people<br />
with schizophrenia<br />
don’t have a fixed sense<br />
of self, my identity as a<br />
working class bloke who<br />
prefers to form intimate<br />
relationships with women,<br />
has more of an affinity<br />
with dogs than cats, enjoys<br />
both the reading and the<br />
writing of books, and<br />
starts to get restless if he’s<br />
kept indoors for too long,<br />
has never shifted.<br />
Morgana has Asperger’s,<br />
and, since hers came<br />
without the ‘brilliant at<br />
IT’ upgrade, but did have<br />
the free add-on of social<br />
anxiety, she has struggled<br />
to find paid employment.<br />
Those who decide<br />
whether trans people<br />
are allowed to have<br />
hormones and surgery<br />
(assuming they want<br />
either, which they may<br />
or may not) don’t like it if<br />
you’re not working.<br />
For Morgana, the anxiety<br />
of being criticised for<br />
‘not working’ means that,<br />
for the moment, she has<br />
chosen to simply ‘get on<br />
with being a woman’, and<br />
let go of the investment in<br />
doing things ‘officially’.<br />
Social media makes<br />
it easy for the defiantly<br />
different to find each<br />
other; a refuelling stop<br />
before we go out into the<br />
world again.<br />
I’ve spent years living<br />
and working stealthily,<br />
going in to maledominated<br />
workplaces,<br />
biting my tongue as I sat<br />
through ‘equality and<br />
diversity training’ led by<br />
someone who was clueless<br />
about a transgender<br />
person working at<br />
the company. I’ve had<br />
managers try to force<br />
54 • happiful.com • <strong>September</strong> <strong>2019</strong>