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6 How to Give a Cat a Pill By: Gayla Kalp / Life is Laughter am sure you have gone through the impossible I task of giving your pet medicine. The following is a good example of giving a cat a pill: 1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm. Position fingers on side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks. While holding pill in right hand, as cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth, allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Repeat process. 3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away. 4. Take new pill, hold rear paws tightly, force jaws open. Push pill to the back of mouth. Hold mouth shut for count of ten while rubbing cat’s throat vigorously. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. 6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees while holding front and rear paws. Ignore menacing growls. Get spouse to hold head firmly while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler into back of throat. 7. Retrieve cat from shredded curtains. Make note to buy new ruler and curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth. 8. Wrap cat in large towel with head just visible. Put pill in drinking straw, force mouth open and blow down straw. 9. Drink beer to take taste away of pill. Apply Band Aid to forearm and clean your blood from carpet. 10. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck leaving head showing. Force pill down throat with flick of elastic band. 11. Consume Scotch. Use screwdriver to put cupboard doors back on hinges. Apply whiskey compress to disinfect deep scratches to cheeks. Throw bloody T-shirt away. 12. Tie the little @#%&* front and rear paws tightly to the leg of the dining table. Hold head of cat vertically. Push pill to rear of throat and pour 2 pints of water down its throat. 13. Consume remainder of Scotch. Have spouse drive you to the Emergency Room to stitch fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Gayla is a speaker, author, psychologist and humorist. She also happens to be Ms. Sr. California, Nevada and Universe England. October 2023 You Gotta Laugh By: Bill Caserta / Bill’s Blurbs Medical Advice: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. * Patient: “Doctor, every time I drink coffee, I get a stabbing sensation in my eye.” Doctor: “Next time, take the spoon out of the cup.” * Doctor: “I can’t do anything about your condition. I am afraid it’s hereditary.” Patient: “In that case, send the bill to my parents”. Wait, what? Part I A 90 year old Sun City man went to his doctor and said, “Doctor, my wife who is 20 is expecting a baby.” The doctor said, “Let me tell you a story. A man went hunting, but instead of a gun, he picked up an umbrella by mistake. And then, when a bear suddenly charged at him, he pointed his umbrella at the bear, shot, and killed it on the spot.” “Impossible”, replied the man. “Somebody else must have shot the bear.” The doctor replied, “Exactly my point!” Wait, what? Part II Last month I noticed that senior citizens at a local café get free coffee. I asked “How old do you have to be to be a senior citizen?” The server looked at me for a few seconds, and without saying a word, poured me a cup of coffee. Wait, What? Part III Visiting the Social Security office for the first time is like the first day of school when you were a child. You feel like you don’t belong there, but there isn’t much you can do about it. And Finally: The comfort of residing in an “age-qualified community” is that you know that you’re too old to die young.
Everything For Your Home! & Sun City MacDonald Ranch Proudly Presents: FREE EVENT SATURDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2023 9:00 AM - 12:00 NOON Sun City MacDonald Ranch Community Center Ballroom 2020 W. Horizon Ridge Pkwy Henderson NV 89012 RAFFLE DRAWING PRIZES By Show Vendors HOME HEALTH & show COME & SEE Windows Landscaping Lighting Insurance Home Security Home Decor Financial Planning Add Medicare Specialists Home Health Health Related Businesses VACCINES: Regular flu/High-dose flu, Shingrix (shingles) (one of two shots), Pneumonia, Tetanus If available: Latest Covid Booster, New RSV Vaccine Bring your Medicare or insurance card. (Some vaccines may require a co-pay.) BAG SPONSOR PRIMARY SPONSORS 7
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