Season III - Get a Free Blog

possess and the insane forsake. My childhood was typical...summers in Jamaica and
horticulture lessons. In the spring, i'd play with roadkill and soil myself. When I was
saturated, I was hosed down at knife point, placed in a burlap bag, and put in the dryer
until fluffy and smelling of mountain breeze. Pretty standard, really. At the age of 12 I
received my first reach around. At age 14, a Mexican named Carlos religiously shaved
my naughty spots. We would spoon and made up nicknames for our genitalia, Chuck
Norris and Chipicabra, respectively."
In a 911 recording obtained exclusively by Dick's Morgue, the departed's last words are
echoed on the grainy vinyl: "What?...umm...no thanks…im not really thirsty." "I don't
care that everyone else is doing it, I just joined to meet chics dude." "Fine…give me the
damn kool-aid….il fuck'n drink it, ok…*gulp*….there!...are you fuck'n happ…*falls on
floor*…*gasp*…. "I dun shit myself…end quote.
Brought to you by,
Dick's Morgue & Pancake House: Your Stiffy in a Jiffy!
**this coupon valid for any shortstake combo meal with purchase of drink.
(Cause of death: 3/3. I like the Jim Jones reference that's just subtle enough that he
didn't have to actually come out and say it. Life story: 2/3. It's funny, yes, but still a
long reference to Austin Powers. It's good, though. Despite all the funny parts here, I
laughed the most at the coupon offer at the end.) 5 points
Josh Mitchell, Quilted Northerns
Joshua Mitchell passed away on May 1st, 2009. While preparing for a world leaders'
conference, he was attempting to retrieve a suitcase from storage when an avalanche of
sports equipment pummeled to him to near death. Of the 11 different types of balls that
fell, the most fatal was a 16-pound bowling ball which partially crushed his esophagus
and sent him rushed to the emergency room. In the ambulance, Joshua was able to
write a statement which read, "Tell those who know, I'll see ya later." The paramedic
then hit the wall of the vehicle and said to the driver, "Here we go!" Joshua then smiled
and was able to rasp, "Fiber, uppercut... Fiber." The laughing and coughing which
ensued destroyed the partial bridge which had held his throat open and he was
pronounced dead 3 minutes later. His brother-in-law and attorney released this
statement which the deceased had requested to conclude his obituary. "Joshua Mitchell
is survived by anyone who can read this and a few others as well. All of whom he held
dear."
(Cause of death: 3/3. The "here we go," "fiber" business is an inside joke, but well-
placed. The idea that he survived an accident of that magnitude and then died by
making himself laugh was very funny. Life story: 1/3. There really isn't much of one
here, or at least not one that's made to be joketastic. I really wanted him to bring it
back around and say "and away we go!" I know you don't know what that means, but
he does) 4 points
So there you have it…I got eleven of twelve stories. The BSE looked pretty strong,
getting three of the four 5-scores, while everyone else on both teams managed four.
However, Mr. Perry Thrun, Survivor II superstar, didn't send me anything, which gives
him a score of negative two.