Social Work with People Practicing Same-Sex ... - ILGA Europe

1 The term “coming-out“ refers
to the phenomenon of disclosing
one's homosexual identity to other
people.
2 Кон И. С. Лики и маски однополой
любви. Лунный свет на
заре. — М.: Астрель: АСТ, 2006. —
574 с.
32
Sometimes such requests may be formulated in a less pronounced manner. For instance, a
lady who had a lasting experience of lesbian relationships and, then, after having marries
may come with a request “to help get rid of compulsive ideas about relationships with
women“. In a case like that, one may recommend to analyze the following components:
what do the relations with women mean to the client? what was the motivation for
the traditional marriage bonds? is the woman happy in marriage? what is the content
of “compulsive ideas“? what was the attitude of the others, particularly the reference
persons, to the client's lesbian relationships? Here it is particularly important, when
formulating the true demand, to avoid focusing on “forming normal relations with a
man“, for it will definitely lead the counselling process into a trap — as it actually
represents the call for strengthening the destructive psychological defences. Instead,
it is worth focusing on the fact that the client has pronounced difficulties with selfperception
from the perspective of homosexual feelings and emotional experiences. It
does not follow from this, incidentally, that when working on her emotional experiences,
the client would return to lesbian relationships; it is important that homosexual feelings
and aspects of her identity would be reflected upon and accepted, while the decision
regarding her future life would be independent and conscious.
Coming-out 1 in front of important people
One of the major difficulties that most homosexuals face is the moment of coming out
before close ones and important people. I.S. Kon wrote that the first confidant that
the adolescents may have (and the first homosexual experiences more often occur in
the adolescent age, although this is not always the case) is usually a same-sex peer
(or a friend of the other sex, which also happens), followed by mothers, while fathers
occupy one of the last places in this row. A poll of adult visitors of an Internet site
for gays featured the following question: “Do your parents know about your sexual
orientation?“, with only 9% having responded that “all family members know“, while
32% stated categorically: “no, and will never know“ 2 .
Some homosexuals enter bogus marriages in order to “present“ to one's parents a
“normal“ i.e. heterosexual family. This may bring about even greater psychological
difficulties in the future. Imagine the following situation (totally realistic): “I have
fallen in love with my current girl-friend and went to live with her to another city,
my gay bogus husband went to live and work abroad, and we do not know what to tell
our parents. For the time being we pretend that we live in our city and everything
is alright …“. Such situation will inevitably cause considerable psychological and
nervous tensions for its participants, complicate interaction with parents and generate
conflicts between partners, for the other party in the homosexual couple will also have
to adapt to the context of lie.
Homosexuals face some considerable problems when they have to come out at their
workplace. Many of them conceal their peculiar lifestyle traits and even play some roles
fearing all sorts of consequences that may follow from their status becoming a matter
of public knowledge: from public disapproval to dismissal. .
From the psychological point of view, it would be safe to assert that the necessity to
always live a double life concealing from the close ones one's significant emotional
experiences and feelings lead to serious troubles: neuroses, depressive conditions, an
acute sense of loneliness and being rejected, and emotional emptiness.
At the same time, the process of coming out is usually accompanied by serious pressure
and various negative reactions on the part of those who witness the disclosure of one's
sexual orientation. For instance, on an Internet forum a girl has give the following
description of her mother's reaction to the daughter's admission of her homosexual
orientation: “…she said that she doesn't want to trust me anymore, that the fact that
I go out with girls for her is tantamount to becoming a drug addict … and all future is
crossed out with two red lines, and that she brought up a sick person…“. The hotline
for homosexuals may for instance receive phone calls such as the following: “I told my
mother about myself and my girlfriend. Now I don't know should I come back home
tonight. Tell me what should I do…“.