Unikum desember 2019

“And so what if it is, Alan!? Why is it right that somewhere
out there one of me is happy while I’m stuck in this shitty
reality!? Why does he deserve it and I don’t!? I’ve been
through so much shit, I DESERVE a good life, don’t I?”
I never understood what had happened to him.
I just accepted, that the man I had come to believe
was my father, died someday.
“You do, Renner. We all do,” Alan replied,
meekly wiping his mug again.
I would be lying if I said I hadn’t the slightest idea of
where that outburst came from. It came from years
upon years of pent-up anger, all released in a single
burst. Especially after I discovered that the world isn’t
a single line, but a nest of different lines, all perfectly
co-existing. And somewhere out there, a version of me is
having a perfectly happy life. But not for much longer.
“But…is it really your life to live? You can’t just easily
fill in someone else’s shoes,” he remarked.
I put a slightly drunken hand on my friend’s shoulder:
“I’ve studied different worlds, and I’ve found a Renner
that is close enough to me in physical appearance although
he’s a bit older than me. I’ve figured out how
he walks and talks, where he came from and where he
went and he has a beautiful wife, with a smoking body.
The only problem is that there’s a kid. But I’ll manage.
I…I can finally have a shot at… happiness, Alan.”
“I only need to kill myself,” I whisper.
“Can’t you come back? To visit?” Alan’s blank face teared up.
“Sorry buddy, after the travel is finished, I’m destroying
the machine. Can’t risk the cops finding out about this.”
“When are you leaving?”
I smiled, as maybe this final punch would put some
emotions into the tears escaping Alan’s eyes.
“Tonight. I’m leaving tonight.”
Alan, whom I had known for 24 years of my life without
seeing a single emotional response, did not even
in my final moments in this world break that spell. But
the mug that fell out of his hands and smashed into a
billion pieces, said everything I needed to know.
And so, I left the bar, and my old life behind me.
***
My childhood was shitty. There’s no way around it. But
I can pinpoint the exact catalyst that sent me into this
downward spiral of misery that became my life. It was my
father. I don’t remember exactly when it started, but the
older I got, the bitterer he became, until he turned into a
vile creature. He tried keeping appearances, but as soon
as he lost his cool, his rage was felt through his palms.
***
Although I found myself in a different interpretation of
my city, it still reeked of the same putrid trash. I never
liked this city, but maybe my perception was warped
by my shitty conditions. Well, no more. Even though
my hand was firmly clasped around the handle of the
dagger, I could still feel the coldness of the blade. I had
never killed anyone before. But did it matter? It wasn’t
murder, it was justice. And I would want the best outcome
for myself. And this Renner was the same as me,
just luckier. Killing yourself was not really murder.
The other Renner always came home from the pub after
a night with the boys, and he always took the road less
traveled, also known as the alleyway, to get home. If it
was something I had learned after years on the streets, it
is that unless you could bite back, the city would devour
you whole, and the alleys were the teeth, ready to chew
you up and spit you out. I waited and waited. I was
drenched, but I couldn’t care less. All I cared about, was
the sweet liberation of this misery. It would finally end.
And in walked my salvation, wrapped in a brown
trench coat. I felt a ball of cold metal slowly gnawing
its way through my stomach, but I ignored it. Nothing
would stop me now. I lightly tapped him on the shoulder.
He turned around. Before my courage failed me,
I stabbed him. Not once. Not twice. But thrice. Two
times in the gut, once in the heart. His face writhed
in agony, blood slowly dripping from his mouth. But
he didn’t scream. He suddenly grabbed ahold of me,
his eyes slowly draining of life. But there was enough
left for him to utter a smile. Then a chuckle. Then
a laugh. What the hell was wrong with this guy?
“Elapsam semel occasionem non ipse potest
Iuppiter reprehendere.”
He uttered those words, then fell to the ground. A sea
of blood formed around him, with each new wave
expanding its area. I’d done it. I had killed him.
I had killed him.
I…I could have a life, a real life! All I had
to do was hide the body, and never let it
be discovered. I had planned this.
I had won.
But something about those last words bothered
me. Where had I heard them before…?
***
DESEMBER 2019 UNIKUM NR 10 37