Unikum desember 2019

Dear SiA,
Your Ovens Suck
FAKE
NEWS
SATIRIKUM
I love SiA as much as one can love any Landlord. They
generally give good service, but I still have to pay for not
freezing to death, which seems like something we should
not have to do…
But this article is not about housing rights, but about their
god-damned ovens!
Because I have beef (heh) with their ovens. Yes, they generally
get the job done, and it IS nice that they have this
alarm-system-thing that shuts the oven off after a certain
amount of time. Keeps you from burning down the
apartment by accident, which for the very distracted and
forgetful person I am is a nice thing. But does it have to be
on such a bloody short timer?
It is incredibly annoying to hear those annoying beeps
that tell you to push the annoying “snooze button” every
annoying 15 minutes. Practically makes it impossible to
slow cook anything. Not that I have ever slow-cooked
anything in my entire life – but it would be nice to have
the hypothetical possibility of potentially maybe slow-cooking
something sometime. Without having to run backand-forth
30 times to push a stupid button. I would have
at least appreciated a dial to adjust the time between each
push of the button, so you have the freedom to take an
extended shit or something while something is cooking
on low heat. Even the ones provided for handicapped
tenants, for whom continuously pushing the button can
be a literal pain, only goes to like 30 minutes. That seems
like a horrendous oversight.
Also, the ovens do not show which plates are hot. Some of
them do have that little red light that tells you that one or
more of the plates are hot and potentially dangerous, but
if you want to know which one, you would have to either
hover your hand above each plate to find out or play a
game of Russian roulette with your hand by touching each
plate so you can be certain. I have lost count of how many
times I or my friends have melted spatulas or grocery
bags or accidentally set things on fire because we forgot
which plate was warm.
Or maybe we are just idiots for fucking up like this? Well,
probably. But if the point of the electricity-to-oven-off-unless-you-push-a-button-every-15-minutes
is to idiot-proof
the thing, then should you not go all the way and show
us which of the plates will attempt to hurt us? Half-way
Idiot-proofing kinda defeats its intended purpose, does it
not?
And while we are on the subject of ovens, why are they
always white these days? So boring! I would like some colour.
And yes, I understand there are hygiene reasons for
the white colour, but stick to light ones, such as green, and
we should be fine! Or pink. Dammit, now I want a pink
oven to gay up my kitchen.
ERNA SOLBERG TIL STUDENTER:
SLAPP AV, DERES FATTIGDOM
ER NØYE PLANLAGT
Studenter er fattige. Enten det eller så jobber de så mye at det går
utover studiene. Vi snakket med Erna Solberg om hvorfor.
- Deres fattigdom er strategisk politikk for å få dere ut i jobb, sier hun.
Men Erna, studiene våre er jo ment som nettopp
et strategisk grep for å komme ut i jobb?
- Ja, men hvis det er for godt å studere, kommer dere til å studere for alltid.
Studenter sliter overveldende med mental helse. 41%
har en bekymringsverdig forhold til alkohol...
- Og hvordan har de råd til alkohol?
Hvordan har uteliggere råd til narkotika?
- Sammenlikner du studenter med uteliggere?
Ja, hva er forresten trikset ditt for å hjelpe uteliggere å få et sted å bo?
- Bøter.
Bøter?
- Ja, for å motivere dem til å skaffe seg et hjem!
Men dere gav jo skatteletter til de rikeste i starten av din første regjeringsperiode.
Kan det ikke tenkes at å gi studenter litt mer hadde
redusert de mentale plagene og videre redusert alkoholbruken?
- Nei, det tror jeg ikke.
Så hvorfor gav du skatteletter til de rike?
- Fordi skatteletter gjør at folk investerer mer og blir
mer motivert til å starte opp nye bedrifter.
What? Men med tanke på alt du har sagt til nå, ville ikke det beste vært å ta
alle pengene deres, i følge din logikk? Hvis målet var å motivere dem altså?
- Nei, rike folk motiveres av å få mer penger og fattige folk motiveres av å få mindre.
Okaaaaay. Kun 28,7% av studentene ville stemt på et
av de fire regjeringspartiene hvis valget var i morgen.
Hva har du tenkt å gjøre for å få opp de tallene?
- Vi har vurdert flere tiltak og vil ta en helhetlig vurdering innen kort tid.
Mange forslag er på bordet. Kutt i stipend, eksamensavgift, moms på nudler,
kriminalisering av studentrabatt eller nedlegging av alle universiteter og
høyskoler, mens Venstre har foreslått gratis lykkepiller til studenter og KrF
kjemper for høyere stipend for unge barnefamilier. FrP støtter oss i alle forslagene,
men i så fall krever de billigere alkohol for etnisk norske studenter.
DESEMBER 2019 UNIKUM NR 10 41