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GOT A MINUTE<br />

A hole <strong>in</strong> self defense<br />

This occasional Guy Page<br />

feature is guaranteed <strong>to</strong><br />

conta<strong>in</strong> no more than 160<br />

words which can be read at<br />

average speed <strong>in</strong> one m<strong>in</strong>ute<br />

It respects a guy s <strong>in</strong>nate<br />

desire <strong>to</strong> scan k<strong>in</strong>d of like<br />

watch<strong>in</strong>g TV with a remote<br />

When you see guys fight<br />

it s utterly artless Seems<br />

<strong>the</strong> more a guy knows about<br />

fight<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong> less likely he is<br />

<strong>to</strong> do it There was a kid<br />

named Frankie who learned<br />

karate while <strong>in</strong> high school<br />

He lived near a <strong>to</strong>ugh neigh<br />

borhood and his dad<br />

wanted him <strong>to</strong> have <strong>the</strong><br />

lessons Frankie got one<br />

k<strong>in</strong>d of colored belt after<br />

ano<strong>the</strong>r<br />

One day <strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> school<br />

yard a sk<strong>in</strong>ny kid with a<br />

cigarette hang<strong>in</strong>g from his<br />

lips bumped <strong>in</strong><strong>to</strong> Frankie<br />

This kid was known for his<br />

mean disposition Frankie<br />

s<strong>to</strong>od his ground and <strong>the</strong><br />

<strong>to</strong>ugh kid popped him—<br />

bam bam <strong>to</strong>o fast <strong>to</strong> see<br />

Blood from Frankie s nose<br />

Don t fire off<br />

Chicago Tribune­City<br />

Circulation: 917868<br />

DMA: Chicago, IL<br />

ran down his ch<strong>in</strong> and on<strong>to</strong><br />

his clo<strong>the</strong>s The only color<br />

on Frankie s belt that day<br />

was red Karate didn t help<br />

because it didn t make<br />

Frankie mean and it cer<br />

ta<strong>in</strong>ly didn t do anyth<strong>in</strong>g <strong>to</strong><br />

make <strong>the</strong> o<strong>the</strong>r kid nice<br />

How politics<br />

plays <strong>in</strong> private<br />

The political season<br />

br<strong>in</strong>ge out <strong>the</strong> oddest poll<br />

sters Playboy s February<br />

edition carries this fac<strong>to</strong>id<br />

55 percent ofRepublicans<br />

say <strong>the</strong>y have sex at least<br />

once a week compared with<br />

43 percent ofDemocrats<br />

And Republicans say <strong>the</strong>y<br />

are more satisfied with<br />

thl^ir sex lives<br />

p||tegionaU <strong>the</strong> Industri<br />

falJMidwest was <strong>to</strong>ps <strong>in</strong><br />

sexual satisfaction and<br />

frequency but dragg<strong>in</strong>g <strong>in</strong><br />

all o<strong>the</strong>r categories ma<strong>in</strong>ly<br />

<strong>in</strong>volv<strong>in</strong>g adventure<br />

<strong>in</strong>sults until you<br />

know <strong>the</strong> weapon<br />

© Copyright <strong>02</strong>/03/20<strong>08</strong> Chicago Tribune­City Cision USA, Inc.<br />

All Rights Reserved.<br />

Unlicensed Reproduction, Sale or Republication Prohibited.<br />

City: Chicago<br />

<strong>State</strong>: IL<br />

If <strong>in</strong>sult<strong>in</strong>g someone is<br />

an art form <strong>the</strong>n Jeffrey<br />

Ross is Pablo Picasso Or<br />

more appropriately Gen<br />

Pat<strong>to</strong>n s<strong>in</strong>ce <strong>the</strong> stand up<br />

comedian has earned <strong>the</strong><br />

nickname roastmaster<br />

general for his verbal<br />

assaults dur<strong>in</strong>g Friars Club<br />

roasts of celebrities such as<br />

Pamela Anderson William<br />

Shatner and Flavor Flav<br />

Roast<strong>in</strong>g is a way <strong>to</strong><br />

honor somebody by dishon<br />

or<strong>in</strong>g <strong>the</strong>m expla<strong>in</strong>ed <strong>the</strong><br />

New Jersey native labeled<br />

by New York Magaz<strong>in</strong>e<br />

<strong>the</strong> meanest man <strong>in</strong> come<br />

dy It s a tribute us<strong>in</strong>g<br />

backhanded compliments<br />

Whe<strong>the</strong>r deliver<strong>in</strong>g a<br />

best man speech at a wed<br />

d<strong>in</strong>g or just bust<strong>in</strong>g chops<br />

<strong>in</strong> <strong>the</strong> locker room most<br />

guys have experience roast<br />

<strong>in</strong>g buddies<br />

Human be<strong>in</strong>gs can t<br />

help mak<strong>in</strong>g fun of each<br />

o<strong>the</strong>r—it s at <strong>the</strong> very<br />

heart ofhuman nature<br />

Ross said I m sure <strong>the</strong>re<br />

vtl one caveman mak<strong>in</strong>g<br />

<strong>in</strong>n of anott r caveman s<br />

ass<br />

But how do you do it<br />

right olic speak<strong>in</strong>g<br />

guides don t provide po<strong>in</strong>t<br />

ers en ridicul<strong>in</strong>g your<br />

f iend s sexual prowess So<br />

we asked Ross—<strong>the</strong> best<br />

<strong>the</strong>re is—for some roast<strong>in</strong>g<br />

tips<br />

Account: 2565G0<br />

Date: <strong>02</strong>/03/20<strong>08</strong><br />

Pub Num: IL­D236­SUN<br />

Section/Page: M8<br />

Page Count: 2 / 4<br />

RefNo: 336734

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