Tybee Breeze

May of ‘07 will go down in Tybee history as
the month of the idiot invasion. Even though
I can’t explain it, I do know the warning
signs of a pending moron attack. Proms and
graduation. Now, don’t get me wrong. It’s
generally not the students who show the
most behind. No. It’s that fringe group of
eighth grade dropouts who seem to draw the
most attention. For some reason, they feel
the need to be there for “their” prom, even
though they haven’t seen the inside of a
classroom since the Clinton administration.
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Tybee Breeze
These mutants are what law enforcement
professionals refer to as “cop magnets.”
They are easy to spot. They walk down the
middle of a busy street, no shirt, no shoes,
refusing to move out of the way of traffic.
They are almost always in need of a bath,
are intoxicated, and wear their pants a full
foot and a half below the waistband of their
underwear. And good God, their breath!
When a police officer gives them the once
over, the response is usually the same: As
they stagger and spill beer from a bright
red (they always use red) to-go cup, the
reaction is the same: “What are you looking
at?” At this time Ole Slo would like to pass
on a piece of unsolicited advice to these
oxygen thieves: It’s not a good idea to
refer to the officer as a MF, especially if
you have just tossed your hot beer all over
his uniform. And further, never try to
shake hands with the arresting officer. It
is not a social engagement.
I can remember when I was on the Tybee
PD (back in the dark ages) and when a
citizen called for police assistance, the
dispatch sounded something like this: John,
how ‘bout swing by Miss Mollie’s house, got
some kinda commotion going on over there.
Seems the neighbor’s dog, Booger, got his
head stuck in the hole in the fence again.
Now, I’m not trying to belittle the emergent
nature of Booger’s predicament, but, back in
those days, this was about the most exciting
police call an officer could get. Neighbors
would gather round trying to calm little
Booger down. It wouldn’t be unusual for a
neighbor lady to place a bowl of water
under the puppy’s nose, just in case he was
thirsty. It’s different now.
Before we close, I need your help. Seems
there are still some folks out there who
don’t know that it’s cole slaw. It can be cold
too, but it’s still cole slaw. Help me spread
the word. (Speaking of food, the pickled
eggs at Benny’s are out of this world.)