The Drama of the Gifted Child (The Search for the True Self)

finished his ice cream, he gave the stick to the child and
walked on. The little boy licked the bit of wood expectantly,
looked at it, threw it away, wanted to pick it up
again but did not do so, and a deep sob of loneliness and
disappointment shook his small body. Then he trotted
obediently after his parents.
It seemed clear to me that this little boy was not being
frustrated in his "oral drives," for he was given ample opportunity
to take a bite; it was his narcissistic needs that
were constantly being wounded and frustrated. His wish to
hold the ice-cream stick in his hand like the others was not
understood, worse still, it was laughed at: they made fun
of his needs. He was faced with two giants who were proud
of being consistent and also supported each other, while he,
quite alone in his distress, obviously could say nothing beyond
"no," nor could he make himself clear to his parents
with his gestures (which were very expressive). He had no
advocate.*
Why, indeed, did these parents behave with so little empathy?
Why didn't one of them think of eating a little
quicker or even of throwing away half his ice cream and
giving the child his stick with a bit of edible substance?
Why did they both stand there laughing, eating so slowly
and showing so little concern about the child's obvious distress?
They were not unkind or cold parents, the father
spoke to his child very tenderly. Nevertheless, at least at
this moment, they displayed a lack of empathy. We can
only solve this riddle if we manage to see the parents, too,
as insecure children—children who have at last found a
weaker creature, and in comparison with him they now
* What an unfair situation it is, by the way, when a child is opposed
by two big, strong adults, as by a wall; we call it "consistency in upbringing"
when we refuse to let the child complain about one parent to
the other.
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