Roundabout Papers - Penn State University

Roundabout Papersand show that this would-be port is very meagreordinaire indeed! Nonsense, man! Why so squeamish?Do they spare you! Now you have the whip in your hand,won’t you lay on? You used to be a pretty whip enoughas a young man, and liked it too. Is there no enemywho would be the better for a little thonging? No. Ihave militated in former times, not without glory; but Igrow peaceable as I grow old. And if I have a literaryenemy, why, he will probably write a book ere long, andthen it will be his turn, and my favorite review will bedown upon him.My brethren, these sermons are professedly short; forI have that opinion of my dear congregation, whichleads me to think that were I to preach at great lengththey would yawn, stamp, make noises, and perhaps gostraightway out of church; and yet with this text I protestI could go on for hours. What multitudes of men,what multitudes of women, my dears, pass off theirordinaire for port, their small beer for strong! In literature,in politics, in the army, the navy, the church, atthe bar, in the world, what an immense quantity ofcheap liquor is made to do service for better sorts! AskSerjeant Roland his opinion of Oliver Q.C. “Ordinaire,my good fellow, ordinaire, with a port-wine label!” AskOliver his opinion of Roland. “Never was a man so overratedby the world and by himself.” Ask Tweedledumskihis opinion of Tweedledeestein’s performance. “A quack,my tear sir! an ignoramus, I geef you my vort? Hegombose an opera! He is not fit to make dance a bear!”Ask Paddington and Buckminster, those two “swells” offashion, what they think of each other? They are notoriousordinaire. You and I remember when they passedfor very small wine, and now how high and mighty theyhave become. What do you say to Tomkins’s sermons?Ordinaire, trying to go down as orthodox port, and verymeagre ordinaire too! To Hopkins’s historical works?—to Pumkins’s poetry? Ordinaire, ordinaire again—thin,feeble, overrated; and so down the whole list. And whenwe have done discussing our men friends, have we notall the women? Do these not advance absurd pretensions?Do these never give themselves airs? With feeblebrains, don’t they often set up to be esprits forts? Don’t132