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82 The Gospel in Dostoyevskywas attracted by children. When I was first in the village, at thetime when I used to take melancholy walks in the mountainsalone, when sometimes, especially at midday, I met the wholenoisy troop running out of school with their satchels and slates,with shouts and games and laughter, my whole soul went out tothem at once. I don’t know how it was, but I had a rather intense,happy sensation at every meeting with them. I stood still andlaughed with happiness, looking at their little legs forever flyingalong, at the boys and girls running together, at their laughterand their tears (for many of them managed to fight, cry, make itup, and begin playing again on the way home from school), andthen I forgot all my mournful thoughts. For the last three years Icouldn’t even understand how and why people are sad. My wholelife was centered on the children.“I never planned on leaving the village, and it did not enter mymind that I should one day come back here to Russia. I thought Iwould always stay there. But I saw at last that Schneider couldn’tgo on keeping me; and then something turned up, so importantapparently that Schneider himself urged me to go, and answeredfor me that I was coming. I shall see into it and take advice. Mylife will perhaps be quite changed; but that doesn’t matter. Whatdoes matter is that my whole life is already changed. I left a greatdeal there – too much. It’s all gone. As I sat in the train, I thought,‘Now I am going among people. Perhaps I know nothing, but anew life has begun for me.’ I determined to do my work resolutelyand honestly. I may find it dull and difficult among people.In the first place, I resolved to be courteous and open with everyone.‘No one will expect more than that of me. Perhaps here toothey will look on me as a child; but no matter.’ Everyone lookson me as an idiot for some reason. I was so ill at one time that Ireally was almost like an idiot. But can I be an idiot now when I