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126 The Gospel in Dostoyevsky“Yes, life is full, there is life even underground,” he beganagain. “You wouldn’t believe, Alexey, how I want to live now,what a thirst for existence and consciousness has sprung up inme within these peeling walls. Rakitin doesn’t understand that;all he cares about is building a house and letting flats. But I’vebeen longing for you. And what is suffering? I am not afraid of it,even if it were beyond reckoning. I am not afraid of it now. I wasafraid of it before. Do you know, perhaps I won’t answer at thetrial at all…And I seem to have such strength in me now that Ithink I could stand anything, any suffering, only to be able to sayand to repeat to myself every moment, ‘I exist.’ In thousands ofagonies – I exist. I’m tormented on the rack – but I exist! ThoughI sit alone in darkness I exist! I see the sun, and if I don’t see thesun, I know it’s there. And there’s a whole life in that, in knowingthat the sun is there. Alyosha, my angel, all these philosophies arethe death of me. Damn them! Brother Ivan…”“What of brother Ivan?” interrupted Alyosha, but Mitya didnot hear.“You see, I never had any of these doubts before, but it wasall hidden away in me. It was perhaps just because I did notunderstand these ideas surging up in me that I used to drinkand fight and rage. It was to stifle them in myself, to still them,to smother them. There is an idea in Ivan; he is not Rakitin. ButIvan is a sphinx and is silent; he is always silent. It’s God that’sworrying me. That’s the only thing that’s worrying me. What ifhe doesn’t exist? What if Rakitin’s right – that it’s an idea made upby men? Then, if he doesn’t exist, man is the chief of the earth,of the universe. Magnificent! Only how is he going to be goodwithout God? That’s the question. I always come back to that. Forwhom is man going to love then? To whom will he be thankful?To whom will he sing the hymn? Rakitin laughs, Rakitin says