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204 The Gospel in Dostoyevskyeven uncanny love, as his hand came to rest tenderly on top ofmine or as he gently patted my shoulder. I must say, however,that at other moments he seemed to forget altogether that I wasthere, but he went on talking just as eagerly, and I could imaginehim sitting all alone in the room and addressing the walls.“I know a man of great wisdom who’s now living in theGennadieva Desert,” he went on, “a man of noble birth who wasrich and was also a lieutenant colonel in the cavalry. He couldn’tface the bonds of marriage and withdrew from the world to seeksilent and solitary retreats where he felt sheltered from worldlyvanities. And so he’s lived – it’s almost ten years now – a life of greatausterity, practicing the renunciation of all earthly desires, but hestill refuses to take monastic vows…Now it so happens that PeterValerianovich – that’s his name – has more books than I’ve everseen in any one man’s possession; in fact, he has eight thousandrubles’ worth of books – he told me so himself; and I’ve learnedmany things from him on various occasions, for I’ve always lovedto listen to him talk. Well, one day I asked him, ‘How is it, sir, thata man as learned and intelligent as you, who has spent almost tenyears living like a monk, who has learned to control his will andhas renounced all earthly desires, how is it that you still refuse totake proper monastic vows and so become even more perfect?’‘You just said something about my being so learned and intelligent,old man,’ he said to me; ‘well, that learning and intelligencemay be my trouble; they’re still holding me in bondage insteadof my controlling them. As to living like a monk, it may just havebecome an old habit with me and I’m not even aware of it. Andwhen it comes to my renunciation of worldly desires, let me tellyou this: true, I thought nothing of signing away my estates orresigning my lieutenant colonel’s commission…But, you know,for more than nine years now I’ve been trying to give up smoking