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From the Life of the Elder Zossima 165that my challenge was accepted; he had been rather jealous ofme on his wife’s account before their marriage; he fancied nowthat if he submitted to be insulted by me and refused to acceptany challenge, and if she heard of it, she might begin to despisehim and waver in her love for him. I soon found a second in acomrade, an ensign of our regiment. In those days, though duelswere severely punished, yet dueling was a kind of fashion amongthe officers – so strong and deeply rooted will a brutal prejudicesometimes be.It was the end of June, and our meeting was to take placeat seven o’clock the next day on the outskirts of the town – andthen something happened that in very truth was the turningpoint of my life. Returning home in the evening, in a savage andbrutal humor, I flew into a rage with Afanasy, my orderly, andgave him two blows in the face with all my might, so that it wascovered with blood. He had not been long in my service, andI had struck him before but never with such ferocious cruelty.And believe me, though it’s forty years ago, I recall it now withshame and pain. I went to bed and slept for about three hours;when I woke up the day was breaking. I got up – I did not wantto sleep anymore – I went to the window and opened it; it lookedout upon the garden. I saw the sun rising. It was warm and beautiful,the birds were singing.“What’s the meaning of it,” I thought, “the feeling in my heartas if there were something vile and shameful? Is it because I amgoing to shed blood? No, I feel it’s not that. Can it be that I amafraid of death, afraid of being killed? No, that’s not it, that’s notit at all…And all at once I knew what it was; it was because I hadbeaten Afanasy the evening before! It all rose before my mind, asif it were all repeated over again; he stood before me and I wasbeating him straight on the face, and he was holding his arms