Download - Plough

166 The Gospel in Dostoyevskystiffly down, his head erect, his eyes fixed upon me as though onparade. He staggered at every blow and did not even dare to raisehis hands to protect himself. That is what a man has been broughtto; that was a man beating a fellowman! What a crime! It was asthough a sharp dagger had pierced me right through. I stood asif I were struck dumb, while the sun was shining, the leaves wererejoicing, and the birds were trilling the praise of God…I hid myface in my hands, fell on my bed, and broke into a storm of tears.And then I remembered my brother Markel and what he said onhis deathbed to his servants: ‘My dear ones, why do you wait onme? Why do you love me? Am I worth your waiting on me?”“Yes, am I worth it?” flashed through my mind. After all, whatam I worth that another man, a fellowman made in the likenessand image of God, should serve me? For the first time in my lifethis question struck me to the core. Markel had said, “Mother,my little heart, in truth we are each responsible to all for all, it’sonly that men don’t know this. If they knew it, the world wouldbe a paradise at once.”“God, can that too be false?” I thought as I wept. “In truth,perhaps, I am more than all others responsible for all, a greatersinner than all men in the world.” And all at once the whole truthin its full light appeared to me: what was I going to do? I wasgoing to kill a good, clever, noble man, who had done me nowrong; and by depriving his wife of happiness for the rest of herlife, I should be torturing and killing her too. I lay thus in my bedwith my face in the pillow, heedless how the time was passing.Suddenly my second, the ensign, came in with the pistols to fetchme.“Ah,” said he, “it’s a good thing you are up already, it’s time wewere off, come along!”