The Star: November 30, 2017

6
Decision making
By Ali Scott
A mother and her
young son were
driving through
an old part of
town when a big
earthquake struck.
Mum managed to
pull over to the side of
the road and park safely
as the shaking subsided.
They sat quietly. And then the young
boy started to shake and his mother
could see he was struggling with
emotions and words at the same time.
Between catching his breath and holding
it, he said, “I want to be brave but I can’t
be brave because I want to cry. And I
want to cry but I can’t because I want to
be brave.”
And his mother said, “It doesn’t matter
which one you do first,” and then when
the young boy thought it didn’t matter,
he did what came easily and he cried.
That night for dinner, (and this was
a boy who didn’t eat his vegetables), he
asked if he could have broccoli, “because
that’s what brave boys eat”.
Sometimes there are situations in life
where we need to choose, situations
where it seems we can’t do both. Stay or
go? Travel or settle? Head or heart? Cry
or be brave? And when we think about
what is more important to us, we can
end up going nowhere, like the Pushmi
Pullyu, the fictitious llama-like character
with a head at each end pulls itself in
opposite directions and ends up going
nowhere.
Another name for this problem is a
values conflict. Like being stuck between
a rock and a hard place, going round
in circles or banging our head against a
brick wall, when all we are trying to do
is work out what we value and what is
most important to us.
At life’s transition points, such as
the nest emptying, a new job, health
challenges or relationships changing, we
are often in situations where we need
to work out what is most important
for us, what we are valuing right now,
because as we grow we change. When
Brave
Boys eat
Broccoli
– or how we
know what’s most
important
we are young we value
excitement and
challenge over peace
and harmony. And
when we are older
some of
what is
important
to us
changes. You
know you have
reached ‘maturity’
when a cup of tea and a
lie down will fulfil your heart’s desire.
So, as we go through life’s transitions
and are faced with those big decisions,
what do we do?
What was so lovely about the mother
saying it didn’t matter, was that the
child forgot about what was the ‘right’
or ‘wrong’ thing to choose and relaxed
enough to do what came easily. Because
it actually did matter – the child needed
to cry and then be brave, so brave that
eating broccoli was a cinch.
So, here are three techniques for
sorting that values conflict and making
space between the rock and the hard
place.
1. Just pretend, for a moment, that it
doesn’t matter. Pretend that the clouds in
the sky are more important, or the dog
on the street or the bird on the fence is
more important. And in that moment
when you forget and relax, you will
remember something you know is really
important.
2. Send those thoughts outside to play
because the idea that they are opposites
and at odds is an illusion. They are,
in fact, connected. You can’t be brave
unless you know when to be afraid. And
crying takes a certain kind of bravery.
Let them play away. And it may be that
an even brighter and better idea arrives
back on your doorstep.
3. If after pretending, and cloud
Ali Scott
gazing, and even after the playing away it
still feels like the Pushmi Pullyu, you can
toss a coin for it. Not because it doesn’t
matter and anything is better than the
tension and inertia. But because, in that
brief moment when the coin is in the air,
you suddenly know what you are hoping
for.
About NLP
Traditionally, psychology has
focused on problems. NLP, or
Neuro Linguistic Psychology
(Programming) has taken a
different approach and focused
on studying how people
organise or ‘programme’ their
thinking when producing
solutions.
The focus is always on success
or results – success in its broadest
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Ali Scott: NLP Master Practitioner,
BSc., Member of NZANLP, Diploma
Hypnotherapy, Clean Language
Practitioner. Ali runs the ‘Coffee and
Coaching’ group, plus workshops for
the Cancer Society, Youthline and other
organisations. Following the Canterbury
earthquakes, Ali was a government
contracted EQ trauma counsellor.
Website: nlptherapy.org.nz
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