June 2017

HUMOR
Baring and Daring Weddings
by Victoria Landis
Life is short, and as long as you’re not
hurting anyone else, do what makes
you happy. But some wedding attire
40
trends might make me change my lifelong
motto. There are some things you cannot
‘unsee’ and therefore, permanent damage
to one’s ability to believe in common sense
is a distinct possibility.
It’s not fair to invite unsuspecting folks to
your nuptials, then make them watch a
spectacle that will give them nightmares.
If you’re going to do something bizarro,
give the invitees a heads up, so they can
politely craft an excuse to miss it.
I thought I’d heard of everything when it
came to weddings. Nope. Turns out, if
you don’t keep up, the ever-increasing
onslaught of weird news will run right
by. The most stomach-churning ones,
to me, are the naked or nearly naked,
bridal parties. The very idea gives me
hives. That said, if it’s taking place at a
nudist colony or nude beach, well then,
anybody attending already knows what’s
exposed, so those don’t count.
Naked wedding parties are similar to
the disappointment of going to a nude
beach, because most who option out
of clothing aren’t the ones we want to
see in their birthday suits. From the
pictures I’ve seen (my retinas will
never be the same), the people who
get naked-hitched aren’t exactly
good-looking. That’s fine. I’m not
passing judgment, I swear. But,
gee golly willikers Bob, give
the witnesses a choice. If
invited, chances are
they know the bride
and/or groom and
possibly much of the
bridal party. They can
calculate in advance
JUNE 2017
how much alcohol to drink before arriving,
or decide to be busy that day.
I wonder if one such group knows their
picture is on the first page of search results.
The bridesmaids wore G-strings and garterbelted
stockings, stilettos, and red glittery
pasties over their boobs. The groomsmen
wore short-shorts and top hats. The
generously sized bride and groom wore
less than their attendants. And tattoos in
the most interesting places. Not that there’s
anything wrong with permanently coloring
your body if that’s what you want to do.
But making the rest of us aware of intimate
details we really don’t want to know is just
plain mean. Like the one bridesmaid who
had the word “lefty” on her left breast, and
“ritey” on her right breast. Yes, the tattoo
artist got it wrong.
Where I came from, if you could see the
bride’s bra strap, it was an embarrassment.
Of course, I’m from a tiny Mayberry-ish
town in New Jersey. Now I live in South
Florida, and I should be used to anything
and everything, but yikes.
There was an expectant bride who
was apparently very excited about the
impending birth of her child because she
wore a gown with a big hole cut out in
the middle for her naked baby bump to
protrude through. Another wore a topless
gown to show off her enormous ta-tas,
which had sequined white pasties over
them.
I do not understand this. I remember my
father and my grandparents lamenting
the new generation and the way they did
things. I thought they were hopelessly
old-fashioned. Jeez, maybe
I’m just getting old. P