May 2017

FROM THE EXPERT ASK DR. RENAE
My parents are picking my friends
Dear frustrated 7th grade girl,
It’s sometimes hard to be inclusive, especially if you’re being
told to do so. It might help to open up communications with
your parents. Let them know of your anxiousness when you are
hanging out together as a group. It may even help to have your
friends included in this conversation sharing the awkwardness
you feel. However, talking to your parents isn’t your only option.
It’s not every day you must hang out with her or include her in
your plans. When you are together it might also be beneficial to
talk to your friend about your feelings, and perhaps you can solve
the problem without parental intervention.
Been in your position before
Dear frustrated 7th grade girl,
I think that just because someone doesn’t necessarily fit in
with “your group” doesn’t mean they’re not worthy of having
friends. I understand it can be awkward though and you would
prefer spending time with your own friends. Perhaps, you can
spend time with her individually opposed to with your group of
friends, so that it won’t put your friends on the spot to like her
and spend time with her as well. I think that your parents must
make sacrifices for you and you might have to do something
(not so fun) so they can have friends too. It is also a good idea
to communicate your side of the story to your parents. You want
to have fun and be a seventh grader without being held back
by doing something your not comfortable with - I’m sure they’ll
understand. Maybe you can make a deal that you’ll spend time
with her once a week or something of that sort.
13-year-old friend
Dear Frustrated 7th grade girl,
You’re in a sticky situation and you are absolutely right when you
Dear Dr. Renae,
My parents are always encouraging me to include
their friend’s daughter when I get together with my
group of friends, even though she really does not
fit in. It is awkward and uncomfortable expecting
my friends to like her. Being in the middle is a big
responsibility and I wind up feeling anxious instead
of having fun. She is nice sometimes but other
times obnoxious, which is why she does not have
many friends. I don’t like arguing with my parents
about this but it is not fair to me and they do not
understand the social pressures with girls my age.
How can I get them to see it from my side? Don’t I
get to pick my own friends?
Frustrated 7th grade girl
say that you have the right to pick your own friends. At the same
time, it’s important that you recognize that your parents mean
well. They want to make sure their friend’s daughter has people
to talk to and hang out with. Have you tried sitting down with your
parents for a calm conversation? Instead of getting frustrated
whenever your parents tell you to invite this girl, explain why it
isn’t a good idea for the girl herself and they would probably be
more receptive to your opinion. Try telling them that she does not
fit in with your other friends, and inviting her to your hangouts just
makes things awkward for her. If your parents understood this,
they would likely be less insistent upon you inviting this girl to your
get-togethers. At the same time, that’s not to say that you should
drop the girl altogether. The best thing to do would be to find a
time to invite her over when you’re not with your other friends.
Granted, this will likely be harder for you, as she will be the only
person to talk to, but you will remove the anxiety of her not fitting
in. Even if you’re not thrilled at the idea of continuing to invite this
girl over, think about what it must be like to be in her place and
you will be more willing to do her a kindness and hang out with
her.
A caring teen
Dear Frustrated 7th grade girl,
I have experienced something similar to this as well when I
was younger, so I totally get where you’re coming from. You
mentioned that your parents don’t see this from your point of
view. Unfortunately, talking to them I think is the only way you
can fix this situation. It’s possible that the conversation you had
with your parents was approached the wrong way. You should
try a civil, sympathetic approach. Nothing too harsh to make you
seem like the bad guy. Try to get them to sympathize with you
and understand where you’re coming from. Explain how its not
fun for anyone, especially the girl, if she doesn’t fit in and all of you
are forced to hang out with each other. I’m sure she can tell that
you all don’t like her very much, which would be very hurtful for
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MAY 2017