June 2018

WELLNESS
by Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D.
When should I seek HELP
for my unhappy marriage?
unhappy
It’s a horrible feeling to know you are unhappy being married
to your spouse. It may be a recent feeling, or something you
have felt for years. Perhaps an affair caused you to disconnect,
or maybe once your children were born you felt invisible? It
could also be possible you don’t know how to openly talk to
each other anymore. You know how you feel but it is hard to say
it aloud, especially to your partner. You don’t want to hurt your
spouse, so you continue on with your daily routines, hoping
things will get better. Seeking help from friends, family, or a
professional may prove to be a valuable option for the two of
you.
Sometimes an outside perspective is essential because you can
be so engulfed in negativity and anger that you become blind
to solutions and change. Perhaps you tried a therapist but the
therapist was not a good fit for you. Not all personalities click
and a particular therapist may not “get you.” Consider trying
again with someone new. This is why people say marriage
is hard work, because it takes work to continue making it
wonderful and long lasting.
If you want to try to figure this out on your own, then focus on
being open and direct with your partner in a respectful and
considerate manner. For instance, if you want your spouse to
come home earlier from work, explain why it is important to you.
Sometimes people genuinely don’t realize the importance of a
decision they make and the negative effects it can have on their
loved ones.
Your partner is not your enemy. In fact, you want to
keep things amicable and approachable no matter
what happens, especially if children are involved.
If you are sad or angry, let your partner know and
give your spouse a chance to do something about
it. Be specific about what you want and need. Offer
real examples about things your partner has done
that hurt you and share what changes you need in
case you find yourselves in a similar situation in the
future. Request feedback from your spouse so that
changes could be made from your side as well.
Force yourselves to talk about things that have been hidden
under the rug for years. Create a space where you can actually
hear one another. It should be a space that feels safe, nonjudgmental,
and one that won’t have consequences. In other
words, your partner may already know that being honest with
you comes with being ignored by you for several days, or will
result in a yelling match, so your spouse may shut down and
suppress genuine feelings. Instead, press the brakes a bit.
Take things one step at a time. There is no need to rush if you
promise yourselves that you will have the rest of your lives
to figure it out. Be kind, loving, but most importantly, patient,
especially when a love like yours is worth it.
Celeste Catania-Opris, Ph.D., LMFT, offers therapeutic
services to individuals, couples, and families. Visit www.
TherapyForModernHousewives.com. P
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JUNE 2018