Happiful February 2020

Tackling trauma…
with Grace
As a trainee counsellor, and having experienced trauma first-hand,
Grace Victory opens up about what it’s really like to live with PTSD
There are so many
topics I want to
confront and discuss
concerning wellbeing
and trauma – the list
is literally endless. I have such a
huge passion for dissecting these
topics because, in the midst of
life, everything always feels a bit
better when you realise you’re
not alone.
I remember the very first time
I spoke openly about depression
and my eating disorder. It was
way back in 2011, in a YouTube
video, and it felt revolutionary,
like something had been lifted
and my eyes had been opened. I
remember thinking “Wow... when
you talk about your feelings, other
people talk about theirs, too.”
It was powerful. While talking
may not be the only way to heal
and recognise the difficult things
within us, it really can be a good
place to start.
As a child, I always knew
something was a bit off with me,
but I could never pinpoint what
it was exactly. I rarely felt angry,
I always felt sad, and I never felt
safe. Maybe some of you can
relate? I felt like the black sheep
who was shunned by others, so I
isolated myself.
My basic needs were met, but
many other needs were not, which
is still something I’m coming to
terms with. For a long time, I didn’t
realise I hadn’t experienced what
other people would call a ‘normal’
childhood, but I guess it was normal
for me.
I remember the first time I sat
down with a therapist and told
them what my childhood was like. I
reeled off things I’d heard, seen, and
had happen to me. I was so used to
trauma that I minimised it in my
head. If it was small and locked in
a cage then I didn’t have to feel or
deal with it. I detached so much
from myself that telling my story
became matter-of-fact, as if it wasn’t
my own story that I was telling.
It wasn’t until I was 26 that I began
to realise the effects that trauma
had had on me, and in the summer
of 2016 I received a diagnosis of
post-traumatic stress disorder
(PTSD). My initial reaction was
“Well WTF is that? It sounds like
some sort of weird disease that I
definitely do not want.” I was that
person. I had (still have) so much
shame inside of me about my
victimhood that I hated the fact I
had ‘something’.
For those of you who are unsure
what PTSD is exactly, allow me to
I am learning that
being a victim
doesn’t make me
weak, feeling pain
doesn’t make me
a burden, and
that what other
people did, has
never been my
fault
Photography | Paul Buller
28 • happiful.com • February 2020