Happiful February 2020

every single follicle on
my head. Getting dressed
was a mammoth task. My
favourite foods tasted of
nothing, and everything I
used to love doing just felt
hollow. It was like I’d lost
the ability to feel anything
but pain. And worst of all,
I felt like such a burden
to those closest to me
because I couldn’t explain
what I was experiencing.
The bleakest moment
came when I was
attempting to dry my hair
Kerry in her element, coaching
daydreamers to be action-takers
Slowly, with each big
decision I made, for myself,
my life-cloak of solid-black
darkness began to get shafts
of light punching through
one evening. I already felt
defeated knowing I had
to somehow get myself
up and out to work in
the morning, with tears
streaming down my face
as they so regularly did.
And a voice inside me
poked: ‘What are you
doing Kerry? This isn’t
living. Why are you even
here?’ And my response
to that was absolute
agreement; there wasn’t
any point in living the
way I was. Things would
be better for everyone if I
wasn’t here.
The thought of this being
‘the end’ shocked me. And
as horrific a headspace
as that was to be in, I’m
genuinely grateful that
things got that dark.
Because this is what
brought the fighter out
in me; my inner coach,
who had been there all
along, rooting for me.
This is what jolted me into
fighting for my life.
And that’s when things
started changing, slowly
and painfully, but
changing all the same.
I realised that I couldn’t
get better by myself
anymore, so I finally
started working with a
psychotherapist who
helped me pull out and
work through so much
‘life gumpf’ that I’d
unknowingly buried.
But as helpful and
groundbreaking as that
was, I was still filled with
so much resistance to
change.
So, as ever, the universe
swooped in and got me
to pay attention in the
most heartbreaking of
ways. I lost my pet after 14
gorgeous years together,
my dad got unexpectedly
40 • happiful.com • February 2020