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To aid folks who plan to go Christmas caroling
this holiday season, I have done a careful
analysis of some popular songs and found that many of these songs’
lyrics appear to come close to crossing the line in today’s politically
correct climate and run counter to the true spirit of the season.
For example, who is the song “Do you hear what I hear?” mocking?
Well, me, of course, and others my age.
Sure, I do have some trouble hearing these days, like when my wife
hints that a fungus is forming in my toilet bowl that rivals “The Blob”
and that I should consider cleaning it. And yes, in reference to another
of the song’s lyrics, I do “see what you see,” it’s just a little bit blurry
to me.
What about the carol “Here We Come A-Wassailing”? Sounds
innocent enough, doesn’t it?
But I would argue that singing about a pre-Christian fertility rite
encouraging folks “fortified by copious quantities of alcohol” to
head off into
an orchard and
6
Dreaming of a Neutral-
Color Christmas
By: Mike Murphy / Social Insecurity
December 2023
threaten the
apple trees to
produce fruit “or
else” is clearly
inappropriate for
joyous holiday
background
music at the
grocery store.
The song
“Little Drummer
Boy” obviously contains a hidden black-magic incantation involving
the repeated mesmerizing chant of “Pa rum pum pum pum,” with the
worrisome result of more than one spellbound listener’s face plopping
into a bowl of plum pudding.
Along with being sexist, “Frosty the Snowman” is politically incorrect
in that it also promotes smoking (“With a corncob pipe”) and violates
all international climate-control agreements (“And two eyes made out
of coal”).
I’m sure that, like me, most dads today turn off the radio whenever
“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” plays. Any responsible father
would not let his children hear this lurid tale of Mommy smooching
and tickling a stranger who sneaks into the house.
Finally, my Boomer generation receives enough ridicule without the
addition of an entire Christmas carol with that sole purpose in mind.
How else can one possibly interpret the intent of such cruel sarcasm as
in the pitiful plea “All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth”?
Mike Murphy is a retired teacher/coach. His book of humorous
articles titled “Tortoise Crossing - Expect Long Delays” is available
on amazon.com.
Bill Blurb’s Christmas Spirit
By: Bill Caserta / Bill’s Blurbs
The Salvation Army realized that it had
never received a donation from Las Vegas’
most successful lawyer. So, a volunteer paid the
attorney a visit.
The volunteer said, “Our research shows that
even though your annual income is over ten million dollars, you don’t
give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give something back to
your community?”
The lawyer replies: “First, did your research show that my mother is
dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that
are beyond her ability to pay?”
Embarrassed, the volunteer mumbles, “Uh . . . no, I didn’t know
that.”
“Secondly,” declared the lawyer, “did it show that my brother, a
disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable
to support his wife and children?” The stricken volunteer begins to
stammer an apology but is cut off.
“And finally, did your research also show that my sister’s husband
died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage
and three children? The humiliated volunteer replied, “I’m so sorry, I
had no idea.”
The lawyer added, “And if I didn’t give any money to them, what
makes you think I’d give any to you?”
*A couple (Greg & Nancy) were Christmas shopping at the mall on
Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. Walking through the mall,
Nancy noticed Greg was nowhere around. She used her cell phone to
call him.
Greg, in a calm voice said: “Honey, remember the jewelry store
we went into five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond
necklace that we could not afford, and I told you that I would get it for
you one day?”
With tears in her eyes, Nancy answered: “Yes, I remember that jewelry
store.”
He said: “Well I’m in the bar right next to it.”
**And my annual wish to Santa: This year, please give me a
big, fat bank account and a slim body. Once again, you mixed them up.