Marte Meo in der Paarberatung

MARTE MEO Magazine 2009/1&2-VOL.42/43
16
positive process of development and what we –
Maria as Hildegard’s instructor and Hildegard as
coach – accounted for in this success story and
what we learned for ourselves in the end.
We decided to exchange our thoughts, immediately
choosing an interview in front of the video
camera, so that you, the reader of this work, could
participate in it. (Eindhoven, 19 January 2009)
13.1. Hildegard asks Maria:
How did you come up with the idea to suggest
a communication training for Patrick?
Hildegard: Yes. Maria, what interests me. –
Normally, when recording videos from foster families,
we continued to work with the foster parents.
What in Patrick’s case made you come to the
idea, to work with the teenager himself and to
suggest the communication training?
Maria: When we film foster parents during the
process, we are looking predominately at the
parental abilities. But in the case of a 16 and a
half-year-old foster child, I think of the development
of his own opportunities, abilities, communication
skills; well, at the child himself. Then I
thought it would maybe be a good idea for Patrick
to include him into the therapy as well because I
saw that the foster mother already did everything
she should do and Patrick did not notice so much
yet. In his past, he never had the opportunity to
develop communication skills. And in the normal
conduct he surely won’t develop them.
I already have a long experience when it comes to
communication training. The first training, I
conducted, well, one had asked me to do it for
criminal teenagers who lived in a home. Back then
I was still very young and when I had to go there,
I thought: »Maybe I’ll first drink a cup of coffee
with these young people.« Thus, I joined them – I
could do this very well since I was brought up
with six brothers and knew a little how to deal
with boys. Then, I let the conversation with the
youths develop itself and listened to what they
were talking about. They talked about: How can I
get a girl? And how do I keep the girl? Because,
the girls often run away. – This was mostly the
topic. There I said: »This is very interesting. I
especially developed a programme for that purpose
– yes, I know very much about it.«
Suddenly, everyone was very intrigued and really,
others even came and sat down. When I went
drinking coffee with them, I knew to say a few
things. I said: »If one sees a girl, one wants to
impress her. And what you all then do is: “Me and
me and me.” But the girls don’t want that. What
a girl likes is, when she says something that you
listen and ask her about what she just said. If she
says: “I go to this school”, you could ask her: “Do
you go to school by bus or do you ride by bicycle?
At what time does school end?” This is also
always a good question: “Could I pick you up?”
And you could also ask her things like: “Do you
have teachers that are boring, too? When do your
holidays start?” Then the girl thinks: “Oh, he’s
interested in me. He listens to me.” That, girls like
very much.«
This, the boys thought to be a great topic. But of
course, we had to practise how to do it first.
Because – it is not that easy, when the other
person has a certain topic, that you then are able
to ask questions related to this topic, if it doesn’t
interest you very much.
Then I said: »Okay, now lets exercise the “questions
& answers”, always two persons together.«
»And we start with you thinking of a topic and the
other person asks you something about it,« I said
to two guys.
Then the guys stated: »Okay, we’ll do that. Let us
start and practise a little.«
»First, we will do it in the whole group. The whole
group in the ratio of 1 to 1, always two persons
who interview each other.«
And then it became interesting. The first choice
was football and then a boy stated: »But football
doesn’t interest me at all.«
… how much easier his life
has become …
That already was the problem, you know. If we
want to get to know each other, it is a good way
to ask questions about the other person’s subject.
In that way, one becomes acquainted with the
other’s world. But when one isn’t interested in the
topic, it becomes even harder. Especially for boys,
who aren’t »spoilt« with communication skills.
Hildegard: And at that time you already tried it
and noticed how well it works with young people.
And then it recurred to you in Patrick’s case.
Maria: Exactly, and one also learns so much. I did
that regularly during the last 20 years. Back then,
we didn’t have the facility of the Review. But in
Patrick’s case, this was a huge help.
I came up with a method like in a game:
»How many questions can you ask? One, two,
three, four? Can you ask a fifth one?«
»I know another question!«