A Judge’s Guide

Parenting
Considerations
DEVELOPMENTAL CONSIDERATIONS
number of reasons, including the parent’s inability to
communicate effectively. Children are often relieved to hear that
it is not their responsibility to make such a decision.
For rapport building: Ask the child about favorite school subjects,
extracurricular activities, or hobbies. What kinds of activities does
the child like to do with a parent? What are the names of the
child’s friends?
Ask the child what has changed since the separation. How has it
affected friendships, activities, and schoolwork?
Assess whether the child has assumed a parental role. How is time
spent with the parent? What does the child do after coming home
from school? Note if the child tends to take care of a parent or
assumes too many responsibilities.
Be aware that the child may surprise you with a fairly clear
understanding of the divorce process from overhearing the
parents’ discussions. It may be fairly clear after interviewing the
child and assessing co-parenting skills that the child is also a
“messenger” or tends to shuttle notes and messages between
parents. Sometimes the child encourages this dynamic as a way of
feeling more empowered and productive. In any event, this
situation is not appropriate for a child and should be noted with a
“red flag” to be addressed by a mental health professional.
Parenting this age group often means being both a taxi driver and a cheerleader.
The parent may feel somewhat sidelined by the child’s increasing need to be with
certain friends. At the same time, the child desperately needs the support of
parents to feel productive, not only by providing transportation, but to be there to
watch a game or to share in a school achievement. The parent also plays a critical
role in helping the child overcome a sense of failure.
Parenting an older elementary school-aged child through a separation and divorce
poses specific challenges. Their increasing ability to empathize makes them at
special risk for experiencing loyalty conflicts, putting themselves in the middle of
parental conflict, or siding with one parent over the other. Parents of this age
group need to work hard to prevent their child from becoming so overly involved
and worried about the family situation that they are unable to remain productive
in school and other peer activities. Parents also must maintain and nurture
important peer relationships if at all possible.
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