L. Marie Adeline- S.E.C.R.E.T

“But I don’t even know you! I don’t know who you are, who those women are. And I’m
supposed to sit here and tell you my deepest, most private sex fantasies? And I don’t
even know that I have any, let alone nine, since I’ve only ever slept with one man, my
whole life, ever. So how can I say yes or no to any of this?”
Matilda remained placid through my little rant, the way a good mother will stay
present during a toddler’s tantrum. Nothing I said could turn my body around and take
it home now, and I knew it. So did she. My poor mind was losing this fight.
“Yes or no, Cassie,” Matilda said again.
I looked around the room, at the bookshelf behind me, the antique windows facing the
courtyard, the wall of hedges, then back to Matilda’s kind face. I needed to be touched. I
needed to let a man loose on my body before it died a slow and lonely death. This felt
like something that had to be done to me. With me.
“Yes.”
She gently clapped her hands once.
“I’m so glad. Oh, and it’s supposed to be fun, Cassie. It will be fun!”
With that, Matilda removed a small booklet from her desk drawer and slid it in front
of me. It had the same burgundy cover as Pauline’s journal, only it was longer and
thinner, like a checkbook.
“I am going to leave you alone so you can ll out this brief questionnaire. It will give
us a sense of what you’re looking for, of what you … like. And where you’re at. You will
write down specic fantasies later. But this is a start. Take fteen minutes. Just be
honest. I’ll come get you when you’re done. The Committee is assembling. Tea? Coffee?”
“Tea would be nice,” I said, feeling very tired.
“Cassie, fear is the only thing that stands between you and your real life. Remember
that.”
After she left, I was so jittery that I couldn’t even look at the booklet. I got up and
walked over to a bookshelf at the back of the oce. What I thought was a set of
encyclopedias turned out to be bound copies of The Complete Kama Sutra, The Joy of Sex,
Lady Chatterley’s Lover, My Secret Garden, The Happy Hooker, Fanny Hill, and the Story of
O, some of the books I used to nd at the homes where I babysat when I was a teenager,
books I’d scan and that would leave me confused as I was driven home by the parents
late at night. They were bound in the same burgundy leather as the booklet and journal,
the titles embossed in gold. I ran a nger across them, took a deep breath, and then
went back to my seat.
I sat down and opened the booklet.
What you have in your hands is completely condential. Your answers are for you and for
the Committee only. No one else will see your responses. For S.E.C.R.E.T. to help you, we
must know more about you. Be thorough, be honest, be fearless. Please begin:
What followed was a list of questions, with space between each for the answers. The
questions made me dizzy with their specicity. Just as I tested the pen, there was a soft
knock at the door.