L. Marie Adeline- S.E.C.R.E.T

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Contents Cover Title Page Copyright Dedication Chapter I Chapter II Chapter III Chapter IV Chapter V Chapter VI Chapter VII Chapter VIII Chapter IX Chapter X Chapter XI Chapter XII Chapter XIII Acknowledgments Reader’s Guide
W aitresses are adept at reading body language. So are wives who’ve lived under the same roof as angry drunks. And I had been both, a wife for fourteen years and a waitress for almost four. Part of my job was to know, sometimes even before customers did, what they wanted. I could do that with my ex, too, anticipate exactly what he wanted the second he came through the door. And yet whenever I tried to turn that skill on myself, to anticipate my own needs, I couldn’t. I hadn’t planned to become a waitress. Does anyone? I got the job at Café Rose after my ex died. And in the following four years, as I moved from grief to anger to a kind of numb limbo, I waited. I waited on people, I waited on time, I waited on life. Still, I actually kind of liked my job. Working in a place like Café Rose, in a city like New Orleans, you get your regulars, your favorites and a few you try to pawn o on your coworkers. Dell couldn’t stand serving the local eccentrics because they were bad tippers. But I overheard the best stories. So we had a trade-o. I would take the eccentrics and the musicians if she waited on the students, or anyone with babies and strollers. My absolute favorites were the couples, this one couple in particular. Strange maybe to say this, but I’d get butteries whenever they walked in. The woman was in her late thirties, beautiful in the way some French women are—glowing skin, short hair, and yet she had an undeniably feminine air. Her man, the guy she always came in with, had an open face, with brown hair shaved close to his head. He was tall with a lean, lithe body, and a little younger than her, I think. Neither the man nor the woman wore wedding rings, so I wasn’t sure about the exact nature of their relationship. But whatever it was, it was intimate. They always looked like they’d just come from having sex or were heading to do just that after a quick lunch. Every time they sat down, they did this thing where the guy would place his elbows on the table, opening up his hands to face her. She’d wait a beat, then gently place her elbows on the table in front of his, and they’d suspend their hands, palms open, an inch from each other’s, as though there was a gentle force preventing them from touching— just for a second, before it got cheesy or was noticeable to anyone but me. Then their ngers would interlock. He would kiss the tips of her ngers, now framed by the backs of his hands, one after the other. Always left to right. She would smile. All this happened quickly, so quickly, before they’d separate their hands and scan the menu. Watching them, or trying to watch without seeming to watch, triggered a deep, familiar longing in me. I could feel what she felt, as though it was his hand caressing mine, or my forearm, my wrist. The life I’d lived held no such longings. Tenderness wasn’t familiar to me. Nor urgency. My ex-husband, Scott, could be kind and generous when he was sober, but towards the end, when his drinking had him by the throat, he was anything but. After he died, I cried for all the pain he had been in and all the pain he had caused, but I didn’t miss him. Not even a little. Something atrophied in me, then died, and soon ve years
Page 4 and 5: This is a work of fiction. Names, c
Page 8 and 9: had passed since I’d had sex. Fiv
Page 10 and 11: a lot of thought to her feet, despi
Page 12 and 13: “When you, uh, dropped off your r
Page 14 and 15: heart, Will hinted that he could ge
Page 16 and 17: I s it possible to feel really youn
Page 18 and 19: underwater, beating out a sad echo.
Page 20 and 21: nonchalant, normal. You don’t kno
Page 22 and 23: heart-shaped face, which drew to an
Page 24 and 25: “You mean S.E.C.R.E.T.? That, my
Page 26 and 27: Garden District. I got o at Third,
Page 28 and 29: finish. The silence was painful.
Page 30 and 31: “But I don’t even know you! I d
Page 32 and 33: entire space with names and ideals.
Page 34 and 35: talk about their deepest desires, t
Page 36 and 37: “Yes,” I said. “Two, within t
Page 38 and 39: wanted. I ticked the box. I want to
Page 40 and 41: I entered as timid as a mouse to a
Page 42 and 43: I did as he asked. He seemed to kno
Page 44 and 45: drying my hair, I had a realization
Page 46 and 47: my own memories of that man’s bea
Page 48 and 49: My heart beat faster as we made tur
Page 50 and 51: practice run, moving my forearm and
Page 52 and 53: ody felt suspended in his strong ha
Page 54 and 55: E very May, the Spring Fling on Mag
Page 56 and 57:
around the walls and glass, giving
Page 58 and 59:
ack towards me and held my face in
Page 60 and 61:
deep, his wet tongue pulling someth
Page 62 and 63:
people want to know a little bit mo
Page 64 and 65:
Will glanced around my disheveled p
Page 66 and 67:
women who might also be going throu
Page 68 and 69:
his arms rippled and revealed thems
Page 70 and 71:
knew this stage name. And now, Shaw
Page 72 and 73:
“Oh, Cassie,” he pleaded, my ha
Page 74 and 75:
S ummer covered the city like a thi
Page 76 and 77:
I took the stairs in twos, ripping
Page 78 and 79:
Gulf. I alternated between watching
Page 80 and 81:
maybe that was the terror. Then it
Page 82 and 83:
naked woman under a blanket being k
Page 84 and 85:
me. “You’ll never be afraid aga
Page 86 and 87:
ago, albeit one from the South. She
Page 88 and 89:
David. He wasn’t a gym rat, but h
Page 90 and 91:
waved at me from the crowd forming
Page 92 and 93:
happy to see this.” “Yours, may
Page 94 and 95:
“Stunning, my dear. But don’t f
Page 96 and 97:
him. “Good try, old friend,” Pi
Page 98 and 99:
Cassie who couldn’t leave her bed
Page 100 and 101:
F or days after the Ball, my mood c
Page 102 and 103:
“I wish he would stop buying me t
Page 104 and 105:
I dropped my hands to my sides, as
Page 106 and 107:
“You look so hot with your ass in
Page 108 and 109:
his jealousy, which now hovered ove
Page 110 and 111:
his teeth bright white against his
Page 112 and 113:
this … me … us. No. We were in
Page 114 and 115:
“So what if you did? Where’s th
Page 116 and 117:
“No. That’s my nal answer.” I
Page 118 and 119:
Are you seeing double? Who am I? Wh
Page 120 and 121:
The ones who’ve vexed you, and wh
Page 122 and 123:
high on my thighs, but her kiss had
Page 124 and 125:
Will turned to Pierre, who was stil
Page 126 and 127:
“Shit,” he muttered, something
Page 128 and 129:
H ow I left Will sleeping there I
Page 130 and 131:
I turned to face him. “Nothing, W
Page 132 and 133:
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS Thank you to everyo
Page 134 and 135:
QUESTIONS FOR DISCUSSION 1. What co
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L. Marie Adeline- S.E.C.R.E.T

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