Uncle Andy's Digest - August 2019

UNCLE
DIGEST
ANDY’S
24
YEARS
C E L E B R A T I N G
AUGUST
2019
EST. 1996
Great Rates • Great Service • Great Staff
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34 Bates St, Lewiston • 782-7192 • 760 Minot Ave., Auburn • 753-0500
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Debbie Bodwell
Vice President, NMLS#280336
181 Center Street
Auburn, ME 04210
Debbie.Bodwell@RMSmortgage.com
www.RMSmortgage.com/DebbieBodwell
Office: 207-777-1551 • Cell: 207-754-3962
NMLS# 1760; Equal Housing Opportunity; ME Supervised Lender License #SLM2537.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
Voted Greater L/A’s Best Mortgage Company Every Year Since 2014!
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 1

Food, Fun, & Music to Benefit
when: Saturday, Aug. 10 th • 1:00 – 9:00pm
where: Outside @ Mac’s Grill (1052 Minot Ave, Auburn)
cost: FREE (donations encouraged)
fmi: LASummerBlockParty.com
HELP GRANT 10 WISHES
FOR LOCAL KIDS
BATTLING
CRITICAL ILLNESSES
LIVE MUSIC, KID ZONE, SILENT AUCTION, FIREWORKS & MORE!
OUR AMAZING SPONSORS!
PRESENTING
WISH Sponsor
Ouellette &
Associates, P.A.
Sponsor of
STRENGTH
STAR Sponsor
Sponsor of
HOPE
Alternative Sprinkler
Fire Protection
Fortin Group
Bancroft Corp.
Bilodeau Insurance
United Insurance
LA Metro Chamber
Sponsor of
JOY
Community
Sponsors
Electrical Systems of
Maine
Evergreen Custom
Printing
Straight Line Roofing
Media Partners

If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded
people for a Febreeze commercial.
I go on an egg hunt three times a week. Some people call it golf.
MODERN WOODMEN
OF AMERICA
AUGUST 2019
ACTIVITIES
Wednesday, August 14th
Dairy Joy
3:00-7:00pm
Lewiston or Auburn
Location
M & G: $1.00
Tuesday, August 20th
Tabers
4:00-7:00pm
470 Lake Shore Drive
Auburn
M: $6.50 G: $7.50
Tuesday, August 27th
Roy’s Breakfast
7:00-10:00am
5 Washington Ave
Auburn
M: $4.00 G: $5.00
Tuesday, August 27th
Fielder’s Choice
4:00-7:00pm
680 Minot Ave Auburn
M & G: $2.00
Wednesday, August 28th
Schemengees
4:00-7:00pm
551 Lincoln Street
Lewiston
M: $7.50 G: $8.50
Thursday, August 29th
Val’s Drive-In
4:00-7:00pm
925 Sabattus Street
Lewiston
M: $4.00 G: $5.00
Park Tickets
1-Day Vehicle Pass for
Maine State Parks
M: $2.00 G: $3.00
York’s Wild Kingdom:
M: $11.00G: $12.00
Water Country:
M: $30.00 G: $31.00
Fun Z Trampoline Park
(1-hour pass):
M: $8.00 G: $9.00
Funtown: Amusement
Only:
M: $24.00 G: $25.00
Splashtown Only:
M: $24.00 G: $25.00
Combination:
M: $28.00 G: $29.00
Prices, Dates and Menu are subject
to change. All activities can only
be attended at the times listed.
TICKETS ARE LIMITED – NO
RETURNS & NO REFUNDS
ALLOWED FMI, please call our
office 782-1833, DO NOT CALL
RESTAURANTS.
*************************
Tickets need to be purchased at
the Modern Woodmen District
Office, 184 Webster St, Lewiston.
Office hours are Monday-Thursday
9a-4p, Friday 9a-12noon,
excluding holidays. Tickets can
only be purchased 1 week in
advance of the activity.

Uncle Andy’s Digest
is published by the first
Friday of every month by
Maine Mountain Ocean
Group, Inc. with its world
headquarters located at
9 Grove Street, Auburn,
Maine, USA.
Published and distributed
since 1996 throughout
Central Maine and mailed to
subscribers all over the Free
World. Subscriptions are
$30/year.
UncleAndysDigest.com
Office: 207-783-7039
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While Uncle Andy’s Digest tries very
hard to ensure the accuracy of the
information in our client’s advertisements
and our publication in general, we are
not responsible for vendor availability,
typographical errors, technical
inaccuracies, product pricing errors, or
omissions.
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
4 August 2019 783-7039
I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.

Sausage puns are the wurst.
Proud to be partnered
with a winning team!
Out ‘n About at the
Androscoggin Land
Trust River Race
All photos by KaitLavin
Photography
This
race is udderly
exciting!
Diana
Kruszewski
Hey,
I can’t see
anything!
Tall
kids in the
back!
Uncle Andy’s Digest & LA Metro Magazine,
MEMA Technical Education Center, and Military Talent Source
offer CONGRATULATIONS to the entire CODY CHILDS RACING
team on your Outlaw division Feature victory at
Oxford Plains Speedway on Wed., June 19!
Joseph Wysocki
& Mitchell
Waterman
Here’s to more success in the coming weeks, guys!
The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that you never know when you’re finished.
Ben Randall
1st place Pro/Open finish
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 5

Out ‘n About in Lewiston Auburn
Give your home the protection
it deserves.
Charlene & Lucien Pelletier
Celebrating 59 years of marriage
Surprise from your kids!
Out ‘n About at
George’s Pizza
AMAZING OFFERING!
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Uncle Andy’s
Digest... BEST
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
6
Brandon
Meserve
Jimbo
August 2019 783-7039
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Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

“I needed a password eight characters long
so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” – Nick Helm
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Income
Demands
Submitted by Thomas Hill
The basketball
coach storms into
the university president’s
office and
demands an immediate
raise.
The president says,
“But you already
make more than
anyone else in our
entire athletic
department.”
The coach says angrily,
“Maybe so, but
you don’t know what
I have to put up with
every single day.
Watch this...”
With that the coach
goes into the hall
and grabs one of the
basketball players
who is jogging down
the hallway.
He said to him, “Run
over to my office and
see if I’m there.”
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Sure, sometimes I question my parenting.
But to be honest, sometimes I question my child’s childing.
Twenty minutes
later the jock comes
back, covered in
sweat and breathing
heavily.
The basketball player
said to the coach,
“You’re not there,
sir.”
The president
scratches his head
as he says, “Oh, I
see what you mean.
I would have phoned
and not run.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 7

In Mourning
Submitted by Tyla Davis
A man placed some
flowers on the grave
of his dearly departed
mother and
started back toward
his car.
His attention was
diverted to another
man kneeling at
a grave. The man
seemed to be praying
with profound
intensity.
The man kept
repeating, “Why did
you have to die?
Why did you have to
die?”
The first man approached
him and
said, “Sir, I don’t
wish to intrude on
your private grief,
but this demonstration
of pain is more
than I’ve ever seen
before. Who do you
mourn so deeply? A
child? A parent?”
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The mourner took
a moment to collect
himself, then replied,
“My wife’s first
husband.”
On the Spot
Submitted by Thomas Hill
I just got back from a
job interview, where
I was asked if can
perform under
pressure.
I said I wasn’t too
sure about that, but I
do a wicked Bohemian
Rhapsody.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
8 August 2019 783-7039
Siri, bring me a delicious cheesecake and tell my
food journal to log it as a veggie burger.

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DONATE YOUR BOTTLES TO
Help grant a wish to a local child
battling a critical illness
See our redemption ad on page 35.

Out ‘n About at the
Androscoggin Land
Trust River Race
All photos by KaitLavin
Photography
My wife dresses to kill. Unfortunately she cooks the same way.
Nicole Tuttle
Whoa!
This water is
crazy!
Out ‘n About at the
Androscoggin Land
Trust River Race
All photos by KaitLavin Photography
Kelsey Bailey
And
the
rockets red
glare...
I don’t know
what you’re talking
about. It seems
fine to me!
Michael
Sussman
GG
Sophomore at LHS,
Singing the National Anthem
EST. 2017
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Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
10 August 2019 783-7039
Interior designers say you need a theme. Mine is toys on the floor of every room,
with piles of laundry as focal points.

I bought my wife a new bag and belt for her birthday. Her Hoover now works perfectly.
Goober
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A man buys a Powerball
ticket and wins
the lottery. He goes
to claim his money
and the clerk verifies
his winning number.
The man says, “Here
is my ticket. I would
like my $524 million,
please.”
The clerk replied,
“No, sir. It doesn’t
work that way. We
give you the first
million dollars today
and then you’ll get
the rest spread out
over the next 19
years.”
The man, annoyed,
says, “Oh, no. I want
all my money right
now! I won it, and I
want it.”
Again the clerk patiently
explains that
he would only get
one million dollars
that day and the
rest over the next 19
years.
The man, furious
with the clerk,
screams out, “I
WANT MY MONEY!
If you’re not going
to give me my $524
million right now,
then you’d better go
right into that cash
register and refund
me the $2 that it cost
me to buy the ticket
in the first place!”
Nothing is really lost until your Mom can’t find it.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 11

Goober II
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Imagine the self control required to work in the bubble wrap factory.
A man was walking
down the street, carrying
a brown paper
bag. He ran into one
of his friends, who
asked, “Hey! What
do you have in the
bag?” asked his
friend.
The man tells his
friend that he has
some fish in the bag.
His friend says,
“Well, I’ll make you
a bet. If I can guess
how many fish you
have in the bag,
you’ll have to give
me one.”
The man replied, “I’ll
tell you what. If you
tell me how many
fish I have in this
bag, I’ll give you both
of them.”
The Verdict
Submitted by Thomas Hill
A man was on trial
for armed robbery.
If we got rid of all the margarine and spreads, the world would be a butter place.
Out ‘n About at the Androscoggin Land Trust River Race
All photos by KaitLavin Photography
Na
Na Na Na
Na Na Na Na,
Batman!
The judge asked
everyone it the
courtroom to rise so
the verdict could be
read.
“Not guilty,” stated
the jury foreman.
The accused man
stood up and said,
“This is great news!
Does that mean I get
to keep the money?”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
12
Jimbo
August 2019 783-7039
John Hunnewell & Colby Hunnewell
2nd place Kayak Doubles finish
I saw a sign in a cafe that said “Breakfast at any time.”
I asked for a bacon & eggs during the Industrial Revolution.

I sleep in a castle once every two weeks. It’s my fort night.
Out ‘n About at
the Fontaine
Family Team
Summer Outing
We
sure know how
to have a good
time in this
group!
Chad & Jen
Doucette
I have a meeting at the bank later, and if all goes well, I’ll be out of debt.
I’m so excited I can barely get on my ski mask!
We really
do! But look at
that ad on
page 12.
Out ‘n About at the Moxie Festival
I
was thrilled
to read the LA
Metro Magazine
feature on the 100th
Anniversary of the
American Legion and
to see a picture of
my dad in the
story!
I
think Ted
would be proud.
It was a home
run!
Sandy Sacco
Work
hard, play
hard!
Claudia Williams* & American Legion Post 153 Commander Steve Simard
*Daughter of Red Sox baseball legend, Ted Williams
I just gave my cat some 7UP, now he’s got 16 lives.
Cindy Morin
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 13

Out ‘n About at
the Fontaine
Family Team
Summer Outing
My
generation
rules at video
games!
Velociraptor = Distanceraptor ÷ Timeraptor.
The Fortin Group
Proudly serving the communities of Lewiston and Auburn
for over one hundred years.
Brock Bergeron
Brock,
I was playing
Asteroids before
you were even
born!
217 Turner Street
Auburn
207-783-8545
70 Horton Street
Lewiston
207-784-4584
If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock. That’s humerus.
Out ‘n About at the Fontaine Family Team Summer Outing
Claude Fontaine
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
14
Pat Long-
Cressey & Ken
Cressey
Jimbo
August 2019 783-7039
The Don Campbell Band
I was once in a band called Missing Cat. You may have seen our posters.

I applied for job cleaning mirrors. It’s something I can really see myself doing.
We’ve got you covered!
Celebrating
65 Years as a
family owned
and operated
local business
207-783-2246
150 East Ave. Lewiston • MaineInsuranceonline.com
Roebucks Angus
Tell us you saw us in
Uncle Andy’s!
Join us
for great
burgers &
lots of fun!
BURGER • STEAKS • ROASTS
• REGISTERED ANGUS
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783 UPPER ST. • TURNER
I feel
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Oh, so pretty
I feel pretty
and witty and
bright!
Like us on
54 Mill St., New Auburn • 783-3444
OPEN: Tues-Fri 7:30a-5:30p; Sat 7:30a-2p
My clairvoyant can only see one year into the future. She has 2020 vision.
Hunting
Weekend
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Two hunters were on
a bear hunting trip
for the weekend.
Early the first
morning, one hunter
decided to go looking
for bear while
the other stayed in
camp and got things
organized.
Soon, the first hunter
spotted a great big
grizzly, and took his
shot, but he only
wounded the bear.
Enraged, the bear
charged after the
hunter, who threw
down his rifle and
started running for
the safety of the cabin.
He was running
as fast as he could,
but the bear was
gaining on him.
Just as he was
reaching the cabin,
he stumbled and fell.
The bear was so
close now that he
couldn’t stop. The
bear tripped over
the fallen hunter and
tumbled through the
cabin door.
Jumping to his feet,
the first hunter quickly
closed the cabin
door and yelled,“You
skin this one and I’ll
go find another!”
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 15

Pearly
Gates
Submitted by Thomas Hill
St. Peter is checking
ID’s at the Pearly
Gates. The first to
arrive that day was a
Texan.
“Tell me, what have
you done in life,” says
St. Peter.
The Texan replied,
“Well, I struck oil, so I
became rich. I divided
all my money among
my entire family in my
will. Our descendants
are all set for about
three generations.”
St. Peter says, “That’s
quite something. The
next person can come
on through!”
The second guy in
line has been listening,
so he says,
“I struck it big in the
stock market, but I
didn’t selfishly just
provide for my own
like that Texan. I
donated five million to
Make-A-Wish Maine.”
“Wonderful!” says
Saint Peter. “Who’s
next?”
My ATM offers a service where I can buy tickets for an Elvis tribute show.
Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.
Stop by during the Balloon Festival
for L/A’s Best Seafood!
Join
belinda for Happy Hour
Tuesday through Sunday 2pm - 6pm in our lounge
“Best Seafood Restaurant”
Ten years in a row.
Award Winning Chowder
Family Owned
for 3 Generations
Celebrating
40 YEARS
165 High Street, Auburn • 782-7796 • Open Tuesday - Sunday
villageinnmaine.com
It turns out the first person who offered me a job as a
hot air balloon instructor was full of hot air.
Out ‘n About at The 37th Annual Moxie Festival with Lisbon FCU
Lisbon
Community
Federal Credit
Union won Best
Overall and
Most Appealing
for our
float!
The third guy has
been listening, and
says timidly with a
downcast look, “Well,
I only made five thousand
dollars in my
entire lifetime.”
“Heavens!” says St.
Peter. “What instrument
did you play?
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
16
Jimbo
August 2019 783-7039
Heather Brochu, her nephew, & Kara McGee
You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

If anyone receives an email saying that you have won a lifetime supply of tinned pork please do not open it.
It’s spam.
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Up to FIVE Screens Simultaneously at No Addt l
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Best Technology. Best Value. Smart HD DVR
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apply. Call 1-855-837-9146
WANTED TO BUY
Wants to purchase minerals and other oil and
gas interests. Send details to P.O. Box 13557
Denver, Co. 80201
See Us for Fall Sports
Reunions
Road Races &
Charity 5k’s
Contractors &
Landscapers
Quality
Products
Reasonable
Pricing
CALL US FOR A
QUOTE TODAY!
205 Washington St.
South, Auburn
207-784-4184
coastaltshirts.com
I showed my daughter a floppy disk. She asked why I 3D printed a SAVE icon.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 17

Out ‘n About at
the Fontaine
Family Team
Summer Outing
Food
catered
by Mac’s Grill &
entertainment by the
Don Campbell Band!
It doesn’t get
much better
than this!
All I want is the chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
Megan Theriault
& Dustin
Larochelle
Bri Theriault
Sandra Hinkley
& family
Uncle Andy’s Digest
18
...with
Jimbo
August 2019 783-7039
Alarm clocks: because every morning should begin with a heart attack.

Dentists are going on strike. Brace yourselves.
FREE HEARING EXAMS!
410 Main St. Lewiston
Call Nancy Today!
207-330-2369
Nancy Whittier
Board Certified – Hearing
Instrument Specialist
Out ‘n About with Maine Source Realty at Pat’s Pizza
What’s for
Dinner?
Submitted by
Steve Simard
Jimbo thinks his
wife, Sue, is losing
her hearing so he
calls their doctor.
The doctor tells
Jimbo, “We need to
figure out how bad
her hearing is. Using
a normal tone, talk
to her at various
distances until she
can hear you. Once
we have a better
idea of how far her
hearing range is, we
can come up with
treatment options.”
That night Jimbo
decides to try this.
He estimates he
is sitting about 30
feet from Sue and
asks her, “What’s for
dinner?”
L to R: Mark Turner, Jason Carrier, and Jon Mercier
He hears nothing
so he moves a little
closer, about 20 feet
away.
He asks her again,
“What’s for dinner?”
Still nothing.
Finally, he gets right
next to her and asks,
“What’s for dinner?”
Sue’s face got really
angry and she spun
around to face Jimbo,
slammed down
the pan, and yelled,
“For the third time,
chicken!”
You haven’t experienced true heartbreak until you’ve been thinking
about leftovers all day and come home to find that someone’s eaten them.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 19

Fishing
Buddies
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Keith invites his
friend Bob to go fishing
out on his boat.
Keith rows out to the
center of the lake.
He opens his tackle
box, pulls out a stick
of dynamite, lights it,
and throws it
overboard.
Bob exclaims, “What
are you doing? You
can’t do that, it’s
illegal.”
Keith calmly lights
another stick, hands
it to Bob, and says,
“Are you gonna talk
or fish!”
THE OXFORD HILLS AREA
Section
PA’S
TRADIN’
COMPANY Inc.
BUY • SELL • TRADE
Federal
Firearms
License
PAWN
Gun Background Checks/Transfers
Fire Arms Transfers $ 25/each
1447 Main Street, Oxford
Only 25 Minutes from Auburn & Gray
Open Mon-Sat. 9am - 5pm
207-743-0709 or 1-877-743-0709
Our inventory costs
are well below retail value!
Inventory changes daily
I was at The Village Inn the other day, and had the Fisherman’s Platter.
He wasn’t very happy with me at all.
Out ‘n About at the Fontaine Family
Team Summer Outing
It’s
always nice
to get together
outside of the
office!
OFFERING
Residential
Commercial
Clean Outs
Roll Offs
844-ME-TRASH
844-638-7274
The only thing we don’t throw away is our customer service!
SERVING
Oxford Hills • Lewiston/Auburn• McFalls/Minot/Poland
Bridgton/Denmark • Raymond/Naples
9 Marston St. Norway, Ste.3 • TiceWasteManagement.com
A friend of mine gave his chimney away for free.
It was on the house.
Diane Brule, Tammy Soucy,
Cindy Morin, & Sandy Sacco
• GRADING DRIVEWAYS • STUMP PULLING/GRINDING
• DIGGING: HOLES, ROCKS, SLABS
• SNOW BANK PUSH BACK & MUCH MORE!
• ROTOTILLNG spring/fall clean-up
light duty excavating & landscaping needs
Aaron Nugent
FREE ESTIMATES
207.461.4233
aaronstractorservices@gmail.com

The cashier asked me how I was going to pay for my new chess set.
I said, “Check, mate.”
for 25 great years!
Out ‘n About at
The 37th Annual
Moxie Festival
You’d
better believe
I’m a SUPER Moxie
fan!
After 25 years, Sarah Jeanne’s has closed its doors.
We’re on to the next great chapter in our lives.
We have so many fond memories over 25 years & touched
the lives of so many people. Through the limo service, day spa,
tuxedo rentals, tanning, hair services, & Moose’s Kitchen.
Thank you for choosing us!
You can now find Jane at Hairem, 675 Main St., Lewiston. 782-4104
You can now find Sarah at Escada, 746 Main St., Lewiston. 241-0473
Melissa
Ramsden
Folks
outside of
Maine certainly
don’t know what
they’re missing!
We welcome
our customers to
join us at our
new locations!
Mason
Laverdierre
Sarah & Jane Kyllonen
Saw the world’s biggest chocolate ice cream the other day.
I’d like to see someone top that.
Tiara Nile
Mrs. Maine New Vineyard
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 21

The balloons
are back!
Featuring Smokey Bear,
celebrating his 75th year!
Along with A Bunch of Bees
and Queen Bee!
Balloon Launches
Friday, Saturday, & Sunday!
Festival Parade & Fireworks on Saturday!
Family Fun Day on Sunday from 9am -11am
Live Music - Food - Vendors!

BALLOON
LAUNCHES
6AM & 6PM
LEARN MORE • VOLUNTEER • SPONSOR
GREATFALLSBALLOONFESTIVAL.ORG

1567 Lisbon Street
Lewiston
777-6353
gridironrestaurant.com
LEWISTON, MAINE
Daily
Specials
Thank
you LA &
beyond!
Thursday, 1st
Haddock fish &
chips
w/fries & coleslaw
$8.99
Sunday, 4th
Cheesy bacon
ranch haddock
w/rice, veggies, &
garlic toast
$15.99
Monday, 5th
Baked lemon
pepper haddock
w/rice & garlic toast
$7.99
Tuesday, 6th
Fried scallops
w/fries & coleslaw
sm. $9.99
lg. $16.99
Wednesday, 7th
Stuffed peppers
w/garlic toast
$6.99
Fried clam strips
w/fries & coleslaw
$8.99
Thursday, 8th
Shepherd’s pie
w/garlic toast
$7.99
Sunday, 11th
American
chop suey
w/garlic toast
$6.99
Monday, 12th
Baked haddock
au gratin
w/rice, veggies, &
garlic toast
$7.99
Tuesday, 13th
Fried shrimp &
clam strips
w/fries & coleslaw
$15.99
Wednesday, 14th
Stuffed peppers
w/garlic toast
$6.99
Fried clam strips
w/fries & coleslaw
$8.99
Thursday, 15th
Mexican
lasagna
w/rice & garlic toast
$9.99
Sunday, 18th
Chili & cheese
burrito
Monday, 19th
Baked haddock
alfredo
Tuesday, 20th
Fried scallops &
clam strips
Wednesday, 21st
Stuffed peppers
w/garlic toast
Thursday, 22nd
Hot turkey
dinner
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK
11am to 10pm
Friday, 2nd
Baked lobster
mac & cheese
w/garlic toast
Saturday, 3rd
Meatloaf
w/mashed, gravy,
veggies, & garlic toast
$9.99
$9.99
Friday, 9th
Baked haddock
topped w/lobster
sauce
w/rice, veggies, &
garlic toast
$12.99
Saturday, 10th
Pot roast dinner
w/mashed potato,
gravy, veggies,& garlic
toast
$9.99
Friday, 16th
16oz rustlers
ribeye
w/fries, salad, & garlic
toast
Saturday, 17th
Baked chicken
cordon bleu
w/rice, veggies, &
garlic toast
$16.99
$9.99
Friday, 23rd
Salmon pie w/
white sauce
Saturday, 24th
Chicken,
sausage, &

w/rice
$8.99
Sunday, 25th
Fried clam cakes
w/fries & coleslaw
$5.99
MONDAY
MADNESS
MICRO DRAFT PINTS
$4.00
BUD/BUD LIGHT
DRAFT PINTS
$2.50
SPIKED BLUEBERRY
SODA
$4.00
BLOOMING
ONION PETALS
$5.99
TERIYAKI SIRLOIN
TIPS
W/FRIES & GARLIC
TOAST
$12.99
JALAPEÑO CHEDDAR
RANGOONS
$1.00 ea
w/rice, veggies, &
garlic toast
$7.99
Monday, 26th
Baked cajun
haddock
w/rice, veggies, &
garlic toast
$7.99
TWISTED
TUESDAY
DOMESTIC BOTTLES
$ 2.00
SPIKED RASPBERRY
ICED TEA
$4.00
MICRO BOTTLES/CANS
$3.00
SWEET & SOUR CRISPY
CHICKEN STIR FRY
OVER RICE W/PEPPERS &
ONIONS
$8.99
SWEET & SPICY TENDERS
OR
CHICKEN WINGS
$1.00 ea
w/fries & coleslaw
$15.99
Tuesday, 27th
Fried haddock &
clam strips
w/fries & coleslaw
$15.99
WICKED
WEDNESDAY
GOOSE ISLAND OR
GEARY’S BLUEBERRY
$4.00 SM
$6.00 TALL
BUD/BUD LIGHT
DRAFT PINTS
$2.50 SM
$3.50 TALL
SPIKED STRAWBERRY
KIWI LEMONADE
$4.00
TERIYAKI, ONION, &
SWISS BURGER
W/FRIES
$8.99
$6.99
Fried clam strips
w/fries & coleslaw
$8.99
Wednesday, 28th
Stuffed peppers
w/garlic toast
$6.99
Fried clam strips
w/fries & coleslaw
$8.99
THIRSTY
THURSDAY
VOODOO COCKTAILS
$4.00 PINT
$8.00 BUCKET
MICHELOB/
MICHELOB ULTRA
DRAFT PINTS
$2.50 SM
$3.50 TALL
ALL VARIETIES
SAM ADAMS
$4.00 SM
$6.00 TALL
GLASS OF WINE OR SPIKED
PEACH GINGER ALE
$4.00
FRESH HADDOCK FISH
AND CHIPS
$8.99
w/mashed, gravy, veggies,
& garlic toast
$9.99
Thursday, 29th
Haddock fish &
chips
w/fries & coleslaw
$8.99
FINALLY
FRIDAY
VODKA LEMONADE
$5.00
SHOCK TOP
$3.00 SM
$4.00 TALL
SPIKED BLUE
RASPBERRY LEMONADE
$4.00
FRIED SCALLOP BASKET
$9.99
CRAB RANGOONS
$1.00 ea
w/mashed, gravy, veggies,
& garlic toast
$9.99
Friday, 30th
Meat lasagna
w/fries, salad, & garlic
toast
$9.99
SPECTACULAR
SATURDAY
SPIKED WILDBERRY
SIERRA MIST
$4.00
SHIPYARD DRAFTS
$4.00 SM
$6.00 TALL
FRIED SHRIMP BASKET
$9.99
HALF RACK OF BBQ RIBS
W/FRIES & GARLIC TOAST
$9.99 ea
shrimp jambalaya
w/garlic toast
$9.99
Saturday, 31st
Baked steak
mac & cheese
w/garlic toast
$9.99
SUPER
SUNDAY
SPICY BLOODY MARY
$5.00
SPICY CHERRY COLA
$4.00
ELYSIAN SPACE DUST IPA
$4.50 SM
$6.50 TALL
PEPPERONI PIZZA
$6.99
POT ROAST DINNER
$9.99
COCONUT SHRIMP
$1.00 ea

Wedded
Bliss
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Bryce and Brayden
were at a wedding
one day.
“How many wives
is a man allowed to
have?” asked Bryce.
“I think 16,” answered
Brayden.
“Four better, four
worse, four richer,
and four poorer.”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
26
Office
Clown
Submitted by Jimbo
An 8 year old girl
went to the office
with her father on
‘Take your daughter
to work Day’.
As they walked
round the office she
started crying and
getting cranky. Her
father asked what
was wrong.
As the staff gathered
around she sobbed
loudly, “Daddy,
where are all the
clowns you said you
worked with?”
Jimbo
August 2019 783-7039
I made some jerk chicken today. He didn’t even say thank you.
YOUR VISION. OUR EXPERTISE.
KITCHENS • BATHS • DECKS & MORE!
5%
of your estimate will
be donated to
207-212-7791
www.vghomeimprovements.com
I was working in a call center when an irate caller
asked to speak to someone higher up. So I stood on a chair.
A man was hit in the face with a bottle of Omega 3 pills.
He only suffered super fish oil injuries.
• Windows/Doors
• Siding
• Custom Tile
• Lead Certified
• VA Special Adaptive
Housing
• Handicap Accessible
Projects
Rolly’s
RollysNewAuburn.com
Diner
Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!
Dishing out
smiles for 25
years!
Leroy Walker
Breakfast & Lunch
Specials Daily
• Unusual Omelettes
• Crepes
• Breakfast All Day
• Extensive Menu
87 Mill St.
New Auburn
753-0171
(for take-out)
Mon – Sat 5 am – 2 pm
Sunday 7 am – noon

My credit score has a McDonald’s application stapled to it.
$
29 initial visit
includes consult, exam, & adjustment
MAINE’S ONLY
MEMBERSHIP CHIROPRACTOR
Future visits as low as $20 with membership
See website for details
www.207chiro.com
34 Center St. Auburn
(207) 401-2000
439 Lewiston Rd. Topsham
Dr. Jeff Clark treats
his patient in his
Auburn office
Out ‘n About at
The 37th Annual
Moxie Festival
Someone call
the Popo!
CoCo
Broke
myself out
of the slammah to
get my hands on a
Moxie!
If Sheer Energy and No Nonsense pantyhose companies merged,
would they be called Sheer Nonsense or No Energy?
Ben Noiles
Yikes!
And I thought
breaking out of
Hadlock Field
was bad!
I grew a beard thinking it would say,
“Distinguished gentlemen.”
Instead it turned out to say, “Senior discount, please.”
Slugger
I think my therapist is seeing other people.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 27

MAINE’S #1 STEAKHOUSE
EVERY MONDAY
20% OFF
All Burgers
30% OFF
All Drafts
Caters!
Weddings, Banquets, Birthdays, Corporate Parties, and more!
No event too BIG or SMALL... We cater it ALL!
Join Us!
SATURDAY, AUG. 10 th • 1 - 9:00pm
Outside @ Mac’s
Event
Catering
Drop Off/
Delivery
Available!
1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885 • MacsGrill.com

BREAKFAST SPECIALS
$
6.45
includes coffee or small beverage
monday 2 eggs, sausage, home fries
& toast
tuesday 2 eggs, corned beef hash
& toast
wednesday 3 blueberry pancakes
thursday French Toast
friday 2 item omelet & toast
saturday 2 golden pancakes &
sausage
sunday French Crepes
I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream.
I can’t wait to rub it in.
Fresh Steak Cut &
Ground Daily!
You won’t go
hungry at Roy’s!
783-4304
Phone orders are welcome
SERVING LA FOR MORE
THAN
5 Washington St. Auburn
Mon. - Fri. 5am - 8pm
Sat. & Sun. 6am - 8pm
When you really want to slap someone, just do it and yell, “mosquito!”
The Farm Stand is
OPEN!
Whiting Farm Stand
$
1
OFF
any purchase
of $ 6 .00 or more
1 coupon per order
Please, no reproduction
of coupons
expires 8.31.19
Fresh picked vegetables & local products for sale!
Watch for more
exciting items in the
coming months!
Come support your local farm!
Supported by:
Job
Interview
Submitted by Tyla Davis
Stephanie was interviewing
with Jimbo
for her job at Uncle
Andy’s Digest.
Reaching the end of
a job interview, Jimbo
asked Stephanie,
“And what starting
salary are you looking
for?”
Stephanie replied,
“In the region of
$125,000 a year,
depending on the
benefits package.”
Jimbo thought about
it for a second and
replied, “Well, what
would you say to
a package of ten
weeks vacation, 18
paid holidays, full
medical and dental,
company matching
retirement fund to
50% of salary, and a
company car leased
every two years; say,
a red Corvette?”
Stephanie sat up
straight and exclaimed,
“Wow! Are
you kidding?”
Jimbo answered,
“Yeah, but you
started it.”
876 Summer St., Auburn • 782-2726
Isn’t it ironic that we draw trees on paper.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 29

That New
Math
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Tyla and her lawyer
are on a plane
together. The pilot
comes on the speaker
and announces
that the flight will
take up to 16 hours.
The lawyer turns
to Tyla and says,
“Okay, I have a
game we can play
while we pass the
time. You ask me
any question, and if
I can’t answer it, I’ll
give you $50. Then,
I get to ask you a
question, any question,
and if you can’t
answer it, you give
me $5.”
Tyla says, “Okay,
what has four legs
going up a hill, and
three legs at the
bottom?”
The lawyer thinks
for a moment, then
hands her $50 and
says, “Wow, that was
tough. I don’t know,
what does have four
legs going up a hill
and three legs at the
bottom?”
I came first in a weather forecasting competition. I beat the raining champion.
Jon Mercier
Owner/Broker
Mark Turner
Owner/Broker
Brandon Caruso
Associate Broker
Toni Ferraro
Associate Broker
It’s Never Been a
Better Time to Sell!
Call for a
FREE Evaluation!
I’ll tell you what catches my eye... short people with umbrellas.
Deb Morin
Associate Broker
314 Center Street Auburn • 207.333.6001 • mainesourcehomes.com
207.784.1541
easy@easyrentall.com
20 South Ave.
Lewiston
EasyRentAll.com
Competitive
Rental
Rates
LA’s Premier Rental Company
We Have The Equipment You Need!
Tyla then hands the
lawyer $5 and says
to him, “I have no
idea either.”
You name it - We most likely rent it!
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
30 August 2019 783-7039
I think the ghost in the chicken coop was a poultrygheist.

I got a new thesaurus recently. It’s nothing to write house about.
GEORGIO’S
Serving Greater LA since the 1950s.
Include Georgio’s
in your
Summer Fun &
Back-to-School
Shopping!
Out ‘n About at
The 37th Annual
Moxie Festival
I can’t help
falling in love...
with Moxie!
Locally owned & operated
783-2981
740 Minot Avenue, Auburn • www.mygeorgios.com
“Elvis”
Sylvain LeDuc
Look
Ma, no
hands!
We are Looking for
Licensed Electricians
Apply
Within
Woodside One
Wheelers
RoySnow.com
207.782.3734
Serving Maine since 1947
11 Library Ave.
Auburn
Emma Tapley
Andrea Tapley
I saw a job ad for a virtual reality programmer and I wondered,
why don’t you want a real one?
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 31

Top It
Frozen
Dessert Bar
I applied for a job as a blacksmith. The guy asked if I’d ever shoed a horse.
I said, “No, but I’ve told a donkey to go away.”
Maine Gourmet
Chocolates
Open: Sun. - Thurs. 12-7pm • Fri. & Sat. 12-8pm
207.241.0434 • 168-170 Main St. Auburn • 207.783.8472
Poisson & Sons Auto Care
260 S. Main Street, Auburn 207.782.9144
FULL SERVICE GAS STATION
August stickers
are due!
Auto Repairs • Maintenance Inspections
K1 • Alignments • Computer
Diagnostics • State Inspections & More!
93 Octane Premium Petrol
Now Available!
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Fleetwood Mac. I said you can go your own way.
The Talking
Clock
Submitted by Thomas Hill
CALL FOR A TOUR!
A college student
was proudly showing
off his new apartment
to his friends
one night after an
evening out.
One of them asked
him, “What’s the
big brass gong and
hammer for?”
“That’s the talking
clock,” the student
replied.
I think waxing strips are a rip off.
41 Pleasant Street, Auburn
207-783-0961
Rosemary Camire Knight
His friend was
confused and asked,
“How does it work?”
The student said,
“Watch...” and then
proceeded to give
the gong an ear
shattering pound
with the hammer.
Suddenly someone
screamed from the
other side of the
wall, “Knock it off will
you, it’s two o’clock
in the morning!”
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
32 August 2019 783-7039
I’ve had to do some very awful things for money... like getting up early to go to work.

I feel like a pelican. Everywhere I turn there’s an enormous bill (to pay) in front of me.
WELCOME TO THE
GARDEN GRILLE & BAR
LUNCH SPECIALS
STARTING AT $ 9
Join us
Mon - Fri. 11:30a - 1:30p
207.514.2222
14 Great Falls Plaza
Auburn
Don’t be afraid to move on
and start a new chapter.
We’re here for you!
Out ‘n About at
The 37th Annual
Moxie Festival
A
dog
and his
boy!
Prin-Henry Allen
w/Noelle*
*Service Dog
Dan,
what was
your secret to
a 44-year career
as a Lisbon police
officer?
12 Bates St. Lewiston - 795-6710
PO Box 1319 Lewiston 04243-1319
www.commonties.org
OUR SERVICES: Case Management • Housing Resources
Kris Kauffman
I
had lots
of Moxie!
A great selection
of marijuana for the
bargain shopper &
the connoisseur
@afterhourssmokeshop
Two great businesses
under one roof
@207THC
207.795.7600 • 25 Lisbon St. Lewiston, ME • 207.740.9053
People with one syllable names absolutely ruin the Happy Birthday song.
Gwen & Dan
Michel
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 33

CALL THE PROS
COMPLETE
MECHANICAL REPAIR
I’ll have her
back on the road in
no time!
25 Fern Street
Turner, Maine 04282
(207) 225-5012
www.dickautobody.com
A/C got you down? We can take care of that!
FULL COLOR & B/W printing & copying
Posters • Booklets • Carbonless forms
Envelopes • Business Cards & More!
60 Broad Street, Auburn • 207-782-0525 • evergreencustomprinting.com
We get down & dirty
so you don’t have to!
Bert Gosselin
Owner Operated
207-713-4679
bert.gosselin@gmail.com
FARRELL
ENTERPRISES
BUILDINGS AND PROPERTIES CLEANED
Nearly Anything
Removed
Trash • Metals • Demolition & More!
Fully Insured
Michael Farrell
207-576-2501
The Village Sweep
Chimney Cleaning, Liners, Repairs
207-783-2497
LA MASONRY
Brick, Stone, Blocks
207-212-4505
No Job too Small - For All Your Masonry Needs
Scuba Class
For the entire
family.
805 Main Street Lewiston 784-7300
Barclay’s Skindivers Paradise skindiversparadise.com
Do You or Your Parents Need Help
Moving or Organizing?
Overwhelmed by
clutter?
Call the pros at
Facing a daunting
relocation?
Senior Downsizing
Home Staging • Interior Design
We scoop so you
don’t have to!
207-200-6507 • refresh207.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
34 August 2019 783-7039
Bought a first aid kit today. I thought I’d treat myself.

CALL THE PROS
Blackie’s
Farm Fresh Produce
966 Minot Ave, Auburn • 207.786.0005
Open Year Round
6am - 7pm
LYAF
$
10 up to
48 cards
Games pay
$
50- $ 100
Join us for some AFFORDABLE FUN!
Thursday & Friday @ 6:30 • Saturday & Sunday @ 6pm
Pleasant Street Bingo Hall
475 Pleasant St., Lewiston • 777-1394
SML PROO
^ FREADING
Books, Articles, Theses, Brochures, Menus, Ads, & More
978-239-9591
Spelling!
Grammar!
Punctuation!
PROOF OR CONSEQUENCES!
Susan M. Lovett
smlproofreading@gmail.com
DANA’S TRACTOR WORKS
Dana Goding
Rototilling • Bush hogging
Grading
Gravel • Loam • Stone • Mulch
FREE ESTIMATES
782-4081
Email: dgoding@myfairpoint.net
Don’t Let
These Deals
Fly Away!
Ralph & Mary Sleeper
FINE LINE GUN SHOP
Guns • Ammo • Supplies
207-998-2374
finelinegun@aol.com
Office & Light Industrial Cleaning
207-530-8890
Mike Magretto
Veteran Owned & Operated
EmeraldJanitorialServices.com
REDEMPTION CENTER
6
¢
on all 5¢ returns
with this coupon.
(must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting)
Located in the building behind Dad’s Place
Hours: Monday - Sunday 9am - 5pm
(closed Tuesdays & Major Holidays)
590 Plains Road, Poland
UAD exp. 8.31.19
I hate nesting dolls. They are so full of themselves.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 35

The Boss
Submitted by Jimbo
A man died and went
up to heaven. Upon
arriving he noticed
two signs. One sign
said “Men Who Are
Bossed By Their
Wives.” The other
one said, “Men Not
Bossed By Their
Wives.”
Upon closer inspection
he noticed that
while next to the first
sign was a big line,
by the second sign
there was just one
man. After getting
even closer he realized
it was his friend,
Harry.
“Hey Harry,” the man
said, “what in the
world are you doing
here? Your wife
bosses you around
more then anybody.”
“I don’t know,” Harry
replied “my wife told
me to stand here.”
Just so everybody’s clear… I’m going to put my glasses on.
Tell us you saw us in Uncle Andy’s Digest
563 CENTER ST. AUBURN
GEORGESPIZZA.COM
Proudly serving LA for 43 years!
Eat-In or Take-Out
Employment Opportunities
Full or Part time - Possible Flex hours
Please apply in person
Light travels faster than sound. That’s why some people seem
bright until you hear them speak.
RON’S
TRANSMISSION REPAIR SERVICE
OIL CHANGES
SHOCKS
STRUTS
INSPECTIONS
375-4924
515 Gardiner Rd. Wales
On a lighter note, I tied a letter to a helium balloon.
YOUR FULL
SERVICE
REPAIR
FACILITY
Bring Your Car to
Ron for a check up!
Out ‘n About at the 37th
Annual Moxie Festival
Is
it a horse?
Is it a car?
What is
that?!
We help you Simplify Payroll.
Meet Briana and Kim, New Account Liaisons
With our team, switching is easy!
payrollmgt.com 783-6880
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
36 August 2019 783-7039
The perks of working in a keyboard factory: extra shifts.

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
207-783-0000 • corporateintelligenceinc.com
Background Screening
Investigative Services
Security Services
Out ‘n About at the
Androscoggin Land
Trust River Race
All photos by KaitLavin
Photography
Always be
yourself. Unless
you can be a viking.
Then always be a
viking.
KNOW WHO YOU HIRE!
THE AMERICAN LEGION
FAMILY
HOURS M/T/W: 1pm - close
Th/F/Sat. noon to close • Sun. 11am to close
Are you a Veteran?
Want to help others?
Ask us how you can become a member!
Hall Rentals Available
Call for more information
207-782-1118
71 South Main St, Auburn • 207-782-1118
Members & Guests Welcome
MUSIC, KARAOKE & DANCE w/ JEAN LOUIS
FRIDAY & SATURDAY 7-11pm in August
Jerry Joe - August 9th & 23rd • 4:30 - 6:30pm
PAINT NIGHT
AUGUST 1 ST • 6pm
GREAT FALLS BALLOON FESTIVAL
AUGUST 16 TH , 17 TH , & 18 TH
MONTHLY MEETING
WEDNESDAY AUGUST 21 ST • 7pm
$30 per person - register at the Post
Everyone is Welcome!
Information & Sign Up
Sheet will be available
at the Post shortly
50/50 Raffle & attending
members have a chance to win
$100, $150, or $25
HAPPY HOUR FRIDAYS ARE BACK!
MILLER LITE/COORS LIGHT SPECIALS & APPETIZERS
Julie Pallozzi
Winner of the best
costume for “River Viking”
I
wish I had a
cool hat
like that.
Hours:
Mon. & Tues. 8a-7p
Wed. & Thurs. 8a-5p
Open the first Friday
of each month
“Affordable Dental Excellence”
New Patient
Exam &
Full Mouth X-Ray
ONLY $ 129 .00
(must mention this ad)
488 Sabattus Street
Lewiston
207-783-8800
Marty Harper
L to R: Tina, Dr. Vlassotoulous, Soy, Dr. Horton, Ashley,
Sarah, Morghan, & Dawn
IV Sedation Dental Implants
On-site Periodontist Invisalign
Cosmetic Dentistry
Midge Lablond
Skelton, Taintor, & Abbott
There are three kinds of people, those who can count and those who can’t.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 37

Out ‘n About at
The 37th Annual
Moxie Festival
Get
your Moxie swag
here!
Bought a really neat bag of air today.
And Lays were kind enough to throw in a few chips as well.
14th Annual
Since 1940
• Restaurant
• Miniature Golf
• Driving Range
• Ice Cream Stand
Glow in the Dark
Mini Golf
Tony Austin
Frank’s
is proud to
be a sponsor of
the Moxie Festival.
Check out our ad
on page 10.
August 3rd @ 7pm
rollback prices!
Saturday, August 10th
9pm - 11:30pm
Great
Family
Fun!
Allie Bubar
Poutine
anyone?
Join Us!
The Maine Mini Golf Open*
August 13 th @9:30am
*The Maine Mini Golf Open is a 36 Hole Tournament
$20 entry fee • $ 500 1 st place • Cash prizes for top 5
Randy Smith
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
38 August 2019 783-7039
Golf Open 10am - 9pm • Restaurant 11am - 9pm
470 Lake Shore Drive, Auburn • www.tabersgolf.com
If I could turn back time, if I could find a way.
Thought I’d Cher that with you.

My friend said, “I have no idea how this cloning machine works.”
I replied, “That makes two of us.”
70 Broad St. Auburn • 207-783-8471
Hours: Mon. - Thurs. 8am - 6pm
Fri. 8am - 7pm
Sat. 8am - 6pm
Sun. closed
Roy’s FOODLAND
www.ShopAtRoysFoodland.com
Don’t forget
your chicken salad,
“best in town”
or ham salad!
Look for our Buy 1 Get 1 Specials
Check out our Daily Specials
BBQ
TIME
Ground Fresh Daily Hamburger • Steaks • Chicken • Pork
Saturday Bean Special Wednesday Italian Special
Beans, Bread/Rolls & Cole Slaw Ham, Salami, Veggie or Pepperoni
only $ 8.99
only $ 1.99
PARTY SPECIALS
Pizza Packs only $ 8.99 • 2lb Pepperoni Pks only $ 5.99
See You
At Our
for
Saturday,
August 10th
1:00pm - 9:00pm
Outside at
See the inside front
cover FMI
Club
Selection
Submitted by Jimbo
Book Your Music Lessons Now!
• Guitar • Piano • Violin • Voice
• Banjo • Mandolin • Viola • Ukulele
• Brass & Woodwinds • Cello • Bass
We also sell and service all types of instruments.
Main Street Music Lessons
207-376-3376
ANDROSCOGGIN COUNTY’S
MUSIC HEADQUARTERS
33 Dunn Street, Auburn • www.mainstreetmusiclessons.com
After an explosion at a local cheese factory, the only thing that was left was de Brie…
Steve was playing so
badly that his caddie
was getting increasingly
exasperated.
On the 11th hole, his
ball lay about 160
yards from the green.
As he eyed up the
shot, he asked his
caddie, “Do you think
I can get there with a
4 iron?”
“Eventually,” replied
the caddie, wearily.
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 39

Pull The
Plug
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Out in Kansas, tornadoes
often hit with
sudden devastation,
and without warning.
In one case, a house
was completely
whisked away,
leaving only the
foundation and first
floor.
A silver-haired farm
lady was seen sitting
dazed, in a bathtub.
It was the only
remaining part of the
house left above the
floor.
The rescue squad
rushed to her aid
and found her
unhurt. She was
just sitting there in
the tub, talking to
herself.
I burnt my Hawaiian pizza last night. I should have put it on Aloha setting.
TAKE THE PLUNGE
ABOVE GROUND POOL INSTALLATION
IN-HOUSE REPAIR & MAINTENANCE
ON-SITE WATER ANALYSIS
TOTAL POOL & PATIO RENOVATIONS
COMMERCIAL SERVICES
ECO-FRIENDLY PRODUCTS
FULL POOL & SPA SUPPLIES
COMPLETE CHEMICAL INVENTORY
www.abcpools.com
207-783-0858
1975 Lisbon Rd, Lewiston
Come check
out our newly
remodeled &
expanded
showroom
Hours: Mon. - Fri. 9a - 5p • Sat. 9a - 4p • Sun. closed
Hands up if you’re scared of armed robbers.
“It was the most
amazing thing … it
was the most amazing
thing,” she kept
repeating dazedly.
“What was the most
amazing thing,
Ma’am?” asked one
of the rescuers.
“I was visiting my
daughter here, and
I decided to take a
bath. I swear all I
did was pull the plug
and dog-gone-it if
the whole house
didn’t suddenly drain
away.”
Since 1953
Hours: Mon. - Sat. 9a - 10p • Sun. 9a - 8p
LuiggisPizzeria.com
~ DAILY SPECIALS ~
Everyday
1 topping Pizza
w/ meat
$
6.99
wednesday
Spaghetti
Special
$
7.25
Monday
The Fergy
sm. $ 3.25 lg. $ 6.50
thursday
Mini Pizza
1 topping $ 3.60
2 toppings $ 4.45
tuesday
Meatball Sub
sm. $ 3.75 w/cheese $ 4.25
lg. $ 7.50 w/cheese $ 8.50
friday
$
1.00 off
any large pizza
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
40 August 2019 783-7039
I bought some state-of-the-art garden shears.
They’re the latest in cutting hedge technology.

My sister bet me $20 I couldn’t build a car out of spaghetti.
You should’ve seen her face when I drove pasta.
Out ‘n About at
The 37th Annual
Moxie Festival
Wee!
Kora Drifters
The only person who listens to both sides of an argument is the next door neighbor.
WANTED:
YEAR ROUND FLAGGERS
Androscoggin
& Cumberland
Areas
Call Today
207-225-5627
No Experience Necessary! Train Today, Work Tomorrow!
Starting Pay: $12.50 - $15.00/hr
www.atwork.com
My life is an open book. The trouble is, nobody seems able to read my handwriting.
Stumpy the
Clown & Howie
I was
told this was a
formal event, so I
put on my best
threads!
Uncle Andy’s Digest
...with
Jimbo
Aug. 2019 UncleAndys.com 41

Neighborly
Submitted by Thomas Hill
Mrs. Silver and her
son, Timmy, were
sitting in their home
having lunch one
day. Mrs. Silver realized
that she hadn’t
heard from her elderly
widowed neighbor
in quite some time.
She thought it best
that someone go and
check on her.
Mrs. Silver said to
her son, “Timmy,
would you go next
door and see how
old Mrs. Kirkland is?”
A few minutes later,
Timmy returned.
“Well,” asked Mrs.
Silver, “is she all
right?”
Window Cleaning • Exterior House Washing
Gutter Cleaning • Light Fixture Cleaning
Commercial & Residential
Call Charlie TODAY! 207-782-WASH(9274)
squeegeesquad.com • charliehamel@squeegeesquad.com
Sick of It
Submitted by Tyla Davis
Two men are discussing their lives.
One says, “I’m getting married.
I’m sick of a messy apartment,
dirty dishes, and no clothes to
wear.”
The other one says, “Hey, I’m
getting divorced for the same
reasons.”
“She’s fine, except
that she’s angry at
you.”
“At me?” the woman
exclaimed. “Whatever
for?”
“She said ‘It’s none
of your business how
old she is,’” snickered
Timmy.
Keep your floors looking their best!
ServiceMaster is LA’s experts
for carpet cleaning, stripping,
waxing & cleaning for tile and grout.
Call for a free estimate!
Now
Hiring!
29 Brickyard Circle, Auburn
(800) 244-7630
(207) 539-4452
www.smfireandwater.com or www.smcarpetcleaning.com
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
42 August 2019 783-7039
I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.
I often wonder what she’s up to now.

Home of the Two Year Warranty on all parts & labor*
Time to get your ride on the road!
Tune ups, oil changes, & repairs!
Bring it to the Specialist!
*restrictions apply
it’s
season!
23 Lisbon St., Lisbon/Lewiston line • theshopclassicrestorations.com • 207-353-6100
Schedule your
appointment with
Dr. Che n
today!
207-783-1351
844-DOC-CHEN
730 Center St. Auburn (Big Lots) Plaza
auburnfamilydental.me
Discretion is being able to raise your eyebrow instead of your voice.
Uncle Andy’s Digest ...with
Jimbo
44 August 2019 783-7039 UncleAndysDigest.com