Uncle Andy's Digest - August 2023
Rain rain GO AWAY! This years summer weather may be wet behind the ears, but you can always count on the Digest to bring the sunshine. Enjoy the August 2023 edition of Uncle Andy's Digest. As always, you'll find Great stories, Funny Jokes, Punny Fun, hilarious one-liners, and Fun at our out-and-abouts. Shop local, and find the best central Maine businesses to serve your needs and wants.
Rain rain GO AWAY! This years summer weather may be wet behind the ears, but you can always count on the Digest to bring the sunshine. Enjoy the August 2023 edition of Uncle Andy's Digest. As always, you'll find Great stories, Funny Jokes, Punny Fun, hilarious one-liners, and Fun at our out-and-abouts. Shop local, and find the best central Maine businesses to serve your needs and wants.
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UNCLE<br />
DIGEST<br />
ANDY’S<br />
Your local guide to... well, just about anything!<br />
GET REAL. GET HYUNDAI.<br />
Sales • Lease • Rentals • Parts & Service<br />
AUGUST<br />
<strong>2023</strong><br />
SINCE 1996<br />
CHECK OUT OUR LARGE<br />
INVENTORY!<br />
Call Ryan Kennard<br />
207-346-0279<br />
Whited Equipment Co. is your New Factory Authorized Hyundai<br />
Construction Equipment Dealer for Central & Southern Maine.<br />
New & used available!<br />
whitedhyundai.com • (855) 882-4010 • Come see us at 2160 Hotel Road, Auburn<br />
Stop by today!<br />
25 Lisbon St.<br />
Lewiston<br />
207.740.9053<br />
207THC.com<br />
207-782-7113<br />
Get Your FREE<br />
Quote Today!<br />
31 Blake Street, Lewiston • armandsautobody.com<br />
MON. - 1/2 Priced Apps & Margaritas $ 6<br />
(Exluding Wings & Nachos)<br />
TUES. - Closed<br />
• Home of the Hog Wing<br />
• Best Lobster Roll in town<br />
• Additional Specials Daily<br />
• Twisted Tea Now on Draft<br />
• Specials are Dine-in Only<br />
LIVE MUSIC<br />
Murlyn Greenleaf II<br />
<strong>August</strong> 12th 6-9pm<br />
Taco Salad Lobster Mac & Cheese<br />
WED. - Hog Wings & Chicken Wings $ 10,<br />
Wine $ 5, Domestic bottle beer $ 3<br />
Seniors 10% off - not to be combined<br />
with other discounts.<br />
THURS. - Cheeseburger & Hand-cut<br />
Fries $ 10<br />
Seniors 10% off - not to be combined<br />
with other discounts.<br />
FRI. & SAT. - Prime rib: 10oz $ 22,<br />
12oz $ 24 with two sides.<br />
SUN. - Drafts: Talls for Smalls<br />
Open Pool Table<br />
Beef or Chicken Nachos $ 12<br />
675 Main St. Lewiston | 207.753.1446 | Mention this ad in and get $ 1 OFF<br />
OFF <strong>Uncle</strong> your Andy’s bill <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 1
One day YouTube, Twitter, and Facebook will join together and be called: YouTwitFace<br />
That’s why we bring health care to you.<br />
Skilled medical care in the comfort of your own home<br />
Recovery from illness or injury<br />
Chronic condition management<br />
Navigating emotional wellbeing<br />
Hospice care + Hospice House<br />
207.777.7740 | Androscoggin.org<br />
Mike Dyer<br />
Wholesale/Warehouse Manager<br />
ROOPERSBEVERAGE.COM<br />
In the bustling world of liquor<br />
wholesale, one name stands<br />
out: Mike Dyer, the indomitable<br />
warehouse manager at Roopers.<br />
With his unwavering work ethic,<br />
Mike has earned a reputation<br />
for going above and beyond<br />
to serve our restaurant clients.<br />
Day in and day out, he oversees<br />
the meticulous handling of our<br />
diverse inventory, ensuring that<br />
every bottle and case is accounted<br />
for with utmost precision.<br />
Mike’s dedication to efficiency<br />
and exceptional organizational<br />
skills have streamlined our<br />
warehouse operations, ensuring<br />
timely deliveries and minimizing<br />
disruptions. Thanks to Mike,<br />
Roopers continues to thrive as<br />
a trusted supplier of wholesale<br />
spirits across the State of Maine.<br />
Along with his team, he has set<br />
a new standard for the liquor<br />
distribution industry.<br />
301 Main St., Auburn | 783.9098<br />
545 Minot Ave., Auburn | 783.2047<br />
980 Main St., Oxford | 539.6072<br />
Jesse St Laurent writes: “One<br />
thing I have learned about this<br />
business is that it’s better to have<br />
help than doing it alone. Adding<br />
Mike to Roopers has truly been a<br />
blessing. Not only an honorable<br />
friend but a loyal leader. Mike’s<br />
tenacity to get things done is<br />
truly remarkable. Always willing<br />
to help and with a great team<br />
like personality Mike is a great<br />
asset to us at Roopers. Not only<br />
in our wholesale department but<br />
our entire entity. We have a lot<br />
of great things at Roopers but<br />
what means the most is people<br />
like Mike who inspire us with<br />
hard work and a smile. Love and<br />
appreciate you Mikey D!!”<br />
Thank you Mike Dyer for everything<br />
you do for Roopers, your<br />
team, and beyond!! CHEERS!<br />
794 Sabattus St., Lewiston | 783.6353<br />
686 Main St., Lewiston | 344.1200<br />
1420 Lisbon St., Lewiston | 333.3095<br />
I like jokes about stationery, but rulers are where I draw the line.
Learn to spell… AutoCorrect isn’t always write.<br />
MODERN WOODMEN<br />
OF AMERICA<br />
AUGUST <strong>2023</strong><br />
ACTIVITIES<br />
Tuesday, <strong>August</strong> 15th<br />
Roy’s Breakfast<br />
7:00-10:00am<br />
5 Washington St. Auburn<br />
M: $5.00 G: $6.00<br />
Purchase Tickets: 8-9-<strong>2023</strong><br />
(8:30am-1:00pm)<br />
Wednesday, <strong>August</strong> 16th<br />
Dairy Joy<br />
3:00-7:00pm<br />
Auburn or Lewiston Location<br />
M: $2.00 G: $2.50<br />
Purchase Tickets: 8-9-<strong>2023</strong><br />
(8:30am-1:00pm)<br />
Thursday, <strong>August</strong> 17th<br />
Val’s Drive-In<br />
4:00-6:30pm<br />
925 Sabattus St. Lewiston<br />
M: $6.00 G: $7.50<br />
Purchase Tickets: 8-9-<strong>2023</strong><br />
(8:30am-1:00pm)<br />
Tuesday, <strong>August</strong> 22nd<br />
Taber’s<br />
4:00-7:00pm<br />
470 Lake Shore Dr. Auburn<br />
M: $8.00 G: $10.00<br />
Purchase Tickets: 8-9-<strong>2023</strong><br />
(8:30am-1:00pm)<br />
Thursday, <strong>August</strong> 24th<br />
Fielder’s Choice<br />
4:00-7:00pm<br />
680 Minot Ave Auburn, ME<br />
M: $3.00 G: $3.50<br />
Purchase Tickets: 8-9-<strong>2023</strong><br />
(8:30am-1:00pm)<br />
Reminder: Please do not call<br />
the restaurants. If you have a<br />
question, please call the office at<br />
207-782-1833 or 207-333-6052<br />
and speak with Jamie. Tickets<br />
must be purchased at the MWA<br />
District Office at 184 Webster<br />
Street Lewiston on the dates/<br />
times listed for each activity.<br />
Menus are subject to change.<br />
No substitutions or add-ons.<br />
Most importantly -<br />
Have Fun!<br />
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1Forrest1.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 3
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
is published by the first Friday<br />
of every month by Maine<br />
Mountain Ocean Group, Inc.<br />
with its world headquarters<br />
located at 9 Grove Street,<br />
Auburn, Maine, USA.<br />
Published and distributed<br />
since 1996 throughout<br />
Central Maine and mailed to<br />
subscribers all over the Free<br />
World. Subscriptions are<br />
$49 .95 /year.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com<br />
Office: 207-783-7039<br />
Our Team<br />
I like what mechanics wear…overall.<br />
Smile Again<br />
Dentures<br />
SUE<br />
MARSTON<br />
CEO<br />
PAM<br />
ASHBY<br />
PUBLISHER<br />
STEVE<br />
SIMARD<br />
SALES<br />
STEPHANIE<br />
ARSENAULT<br />
OFFICE<br />
MANAGER<br />
Like our name implies - we’ll help you Smile Again!<br />
Call today for:<br />
• Full Dentures<br />
• Immediate Dentures<br />
• Partial Dentures<br />
• Rebases<br />
• Relines<br />
• Repairs<br />
TOM HILL<br />
IT • WEB •<br />
SOCIAL MEDIA<br />
AMY<br />
ST.HILAIRE<br />
SALES<br />
TIM<br />
ELWELL<br />
GRAPHIC<br />
DESIGNER<br />
While <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
tries very hard to ensure the<br />
accuracy of the information in our<br />
clients’ advertisements and our<br />
publication in general, we are not<br />
responsible for vendor availability,<br />
typographical errors, technical<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> inaccuracies, Andy’s product <strong>Digest</strong> pricing<br />
errors, or omissions.<br />
4 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
All work done on-site. Repairs usually same day service!<br />
Mike & Joe<br />
Adkins<br />
Licensed<br />
Denturists<br />
801 Webster Street, Lewiston<br />
smileagaindentures@gmail.com<br />
SmileAgainDentures.com<br />
514-0660<br />
What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 5
There should be confetti in tires, so it’s still an okay day when there is a blow-out.<br />
Call us for a quote<br />
TODAY!<br />
It’s why I’m here.<br />
Some things we all have in common.<br />
There’s nobody like me to protect the things<br />
we all value.<br />
Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there.®<br />
CALL ME TODAY.<br />
I’m a proud sponsor of the Summer Block Party<br />
HATS<br />
MUGS<br />
EMBROIDERY<br />
SCREENPRINTING<br />
NOW OFFERING<br />
ONLINE STORES<br />
Contractors &<br />
Landscapers<br />
Reunions<br />
Summer Camps<br />
Road Races<br />
Charity 5k’s<br />
PENS<br />
BAGS<br />
205 Washington St.<br />
South, Auburn<br />
207-784-4184<br />
coastaltshirts.com<br />
What kind of car does an egg drive? A Yolksvagen<br />
Facts about summer<br />
Dog days<br />
of summer<br />
The phrase ‘dogs days of<br />
summer’ used to refer to<br />
sweltering summer days<br />
has more to do with the<br />
stars than dogs.<br />
The Roman’s ‘dies caniculares’<br />
began towards the<br />
end of July when the star<br />
Sirius (A.K.A. the Dog Star)<br />
began to rise in the sky just<br />
before the Sun.<br />
The star was so bright that<br />
the Romans believed it<br />
gave extra heat to the sun<br />
and was responsible for hot<br />
days in summer.<br />
Snow<br />
in June<br />
On June 2, 1975,<br />
snow showers<br />
forced the abandonment<br />
of several<br />
cricket matches<br />
across the country.<br />
The coldest<br />
temperature<br />
ever recorded in<br />
summer in the UK<br />
is -5.6 °C recorded<br />
on June 9, 1955 in<br />
Dalwhinnie, and<br />
again on June<br />
1 and 3, 1962 in<br />
Santon Downham<br />
in Norfolk.<br />
Height of<br />
summer<br />
Did you know<br />
that on a<br />
hot day in<br />
Paris, the Eiffel<br />
Tower grows<br />
taller?<br />
The tower is<br />
constructed<br />
from iron and<br />
when this is<br />
warmed it expands,<br />
causing<br />
the structure<br />
to grow by up<br />
to 17 cm.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
6 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
I told him to be himself; that was pretty mean, I guess.
Bread is a lot like the sun. It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.<br />
Have Buyers,<br />
Need Listings<br />
368 Minot Avenue, Auburn<br />
207.333.6001 • mainesourcehomes.com<br />
Out and About<br />
at Melissa’s Pub<br />
If<br />
you haven't<br />
stopped by to check<br />
us out yet, what are you<br />
waiting for? Check out<br />
our specials on the<br />
cover!<br />
Lisa Hicks<br />
& Melissa Goucher<br />
(owner)<br />
Jon<br />
Mercier<br />
Mark<br />
Turner<br />
Deb<br />
Morin<br />
Linda<br />
Dupuis<br />
Dustin<br />
Mallar<br />
Mason<br />
Dupuis<br />
Lindsay<br />
Wright<br />
Malayka<br />
Harriman<br />
Brandon<br />
Duarte<br />
Went to the doctor with a suspicious-looking mole. He said they all look that way, and I<br />
should have left him in the garden.<br />
Brian Girouard<br />
& Greg Trask<br />
Chad Slobada<br />
& Kelsey Blanchette<br />
Ashlynn Mcclung<br />
Engineers have made a car that can run on mint. Hopefully,<br />
they can make buses and trains run on thyme.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 7
Out and About<br />
at Tabers<br />
He comes for the<br />
mini golf and driving<br />
range, I come for the<br />
onion rings & ice<br />
cream!<br />
Bravely killed a bug at home. Then realized it was a piece of lint.<br />
Don’t let your boiler look like this<br />
Get your yearly boiler<br />
cleaning/servicing<br />
CLEANINGS ONLY<br />
220 .00*<br />
$<br />
220<br />
*Plus materials if needed<br />
Landry & Alex Cutter<br />
CALL TODAY!<br />
207-754-4556<br />
DID YOU KNOW?<br />
Getting your domestic hot water from your boilers<br />
coil is the MOST EXPENSIVE way to get hot water!<br />
Ask about alternatives.<br />
Plagiarism: Getting into trouble for something you didn’t do.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
January <strong>2023</strong><br />
AD PROOF<br />
Hi Steve,<br />
Matt & Jen McAvoy<br />
Please Conner review Larrabee your &<br />
proof carefully. Diana Gallagher It will<br />
run as you see it if<br />
changes are not<br />
received by<br />
December 23rd<br />
DON’T KNOW<br />
WHAT TO DO<br />
NEXT? WE DO. ®<br />
WATER FIRE MOLD<br />
For any disaster,<br />
call ServiceMaster!<br />
Thank you!<br />
Contact Tyla<br />
cell: 207-346-1488<br />
Kaitlyn Woods &<br />
office 207-783-7039<br />
Easton Palmer<br />
design@<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
8 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
29 Brickyard Circle,<br />
Auburn<br />
(800) 244-7630<br />
(207) 539-4452 www.smfireandwater.com • www.smcarpetcleaning.com<br />
I was going to tell a carpentry joke, but I couldn’t find any of that woodwork.<br />
UAD January <strong>2023</strong> Page TBD
HAS IT ALL<br />
PROUD SPONSOR OF THE<br />
benefiting<br />
SATURDAY, AUG. 12 TH<br />
1:00-10:00 p.m.<br />
Outside of Mac’s Grill, Auburn<br />
Your one-stop shop for:<br />
• Amazing food (eat in or take out)<br />
• Agency liquor store with beer cave<br />
• Lottery tickets<br />
• Redemption center<br />
207-345-5551<br />
23 Pleasant Street, Mechanic Falls • www.dadsplacemaine.com<br />
CATERING<br />
Full serve catering at the<br />
location of your choice.<br />
Book Your<br />
<strong>2023</strong><br />
Business<br />
Events<br />
Now!<br />
207-345-9009<br />
DadsPlaceCatering.com<br />
Dad’s Redemption Center<br />
REDEMPTION CENTER<br />
6 ¢<br />
on all 5¢ returns with this coupon.<br />
Located in the building behind Dad’s Place<br />
Hours: Wednesday - Sunday 9am - 5pm<br />
(closed Mondays, Tuesdays, & Major Holidays)<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
(must present coupon at Redemption Center prior to counting) <strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com UAD exp. 8.31.23 9
Van Gogh<br />
Gogh<br />
Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />
After much careful<br />
research it has been<br />
discovered that the<br />
artist Vincent Van<br />
Gogh had many relatives.<br />
Among them<br />
were: his obnoxious<br />
brother, Please<br />
Gogh.<br />
His dizzy aunt, Verti<br />
Gogh<br />
My granddad has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from London Zoo.<br />
Just good cookin’ and plenty of it!<br />
Enjoy the Great Falls<br />
Balloon Festival<br />
A brother who ate<br />
prunes, Gotta Gogh<br />
A brother who<br />
worked at a convenience<br />
store, Stop N.<br />
Gogh<br />
The grandfather from<br />
Yugoslavia, U Gogh<br />
Front: Emery, Avery & Tillie Page, right is Adam Nailor<br />
87 Mill Street, New Auburn<br />
207-753-0171<br />
rollysnewauburn.com<br />
Monday-Saturday: 6a-2p • Closed Sunday<br />
The cousin from<br />
Illinois, Chica Gogh<br />
The magician uncle,<br />
Wherediddy Gogh<br />
The nephew who<br />
drove stagecoach,<br />
Wellsfar Gogh<br />
The ballroom dancing<br />
aunt, Tan Gogh<br />
The bird loving<br />
uncle, Flamin Gogh<br />
I once survived the fallout from moving an image 1 cm to the right in Word.<br />
ALL<br />
STEAK<br />
HAMBURGERS<br />
& GOLF CENTER<br />
2514 TURNER RD. AUBURN<br />
OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK 11AM - 7PM<br />
Famous Burgers<br />
Hand-cut Fries<br />
Lobster Rolls<br />
Ice Cream<br />
& More!<br />
The constipated<br />
cousin, Can’t Gogh<br />
The little bouncy<br />
nephew, Poe Gogh<br />
His vacationing<br />
niece, Winnie Bay<br />
Gogh<br />
And the fruit loving<br />
cousin, Man Gogh.<br />
MINI<br />
DRIVING<br />
BATTING<br />
DISC GOLF<br />
GOLF<br />
RANGE<br />
CAGES<br />
COURSE<br />
BIRTHDAY PARTIES & CORPORATE EVENTS AVAILABLE<br />
Come play our newly renovated 18-hole mini golf course!<br />
RoysGolf.com<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
10 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
My therapist says I have a preoccupation for revenge. We’ll see about that.
People who use selfie sticks really need to have a good, long look at themselves.<br />
Providing a warm and comfortable<br />
home for our residents.<br />
Out and About<br />
at Melissa’s Pub<br />
Glori Cartagena<br />
& Susan Wheeler<br />
Kevin Levesque,<br />
Rich Labrie<br />
& Murlyn Greenleaf II<br />
The drinks are<br />
great and the beer is<br />
cold! What more can<br />
you ask for?<br />
The Chapman House<br />
The Chapman House has private rooms available for residents,<br />
aged 65 and older, who need assistance with bathing,<br />
medications, and meals.<br />
Kristen Dostie<br />
& Doug Foss<br />
41 Pleasant Street, Auburn | 207-783-0961<br />
Bonnie Iwans<br />
Murlyn Greenleaf II<br />
My brother has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex. They are watchdogs.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 11
Name of the<br />
Game<br />
Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />
Pam and Sarah met<br />
for a beer at Pat's<br />
Pizza. After a while<br />
the subject of sports<br />
came up.<br />
Sarah asks Pam, “Do<br />
you play golf?”<br />
“Sure,” said Pam, “I<br />
play well enough to<br />
know why they call it<br />
‘golf’.”<br />
Puzzled, Sarah asks,<br />
“Why do they call it<br />
‘golf’?”<br />
“Because,” replied<br />
Pam, “that was the<br />
only 4-letter word<br />
left!!”<br />
Road Hazard<br />
Submitted by Trevor Saunders<br />
Brian rushes in and<br />
announces loudly, ”I tell<br />
you, women drivers are a<br />
hazard to traffic. Driving<br />
to work this morning on<br />
the freeway, I looked over<br />
to my left and there was<br />
this woman in a Jaguar<br />
doing at least 70 mph<br />
with her face up next to<br />
her rear view mirror putting<br />
on her mascara!”<br />
What’s the difference between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas? Black Eyed Peas can<br />
sing us a song. Chick Peas can hummus one.<br />
24 Hour<br />
Service<br />
235 N. River Road, Auburn<br />
207-777-5600<br />
www.pro-techrefrigeration.com<br />
protechoffice11@yahoo.com<br />
Now offering<br />
medical benefits!<br />
Fully Insured<br />
PRO-TECH REFRIGERATION<br />
IS GROWING!<br />
We are seeking<br />
EXPERIENCED<br />
SERVICE<br />
TECHNICIANS<br />
& INSTALLERS<br />
to join our team!<br />
Air Conditioning & Heating<br />
Proudly serving Auburn, Lewiston,<br />
and the surrounding communities!<br />
Why is cold water so insecure? It’s never been called hot.<br />
We’ve got you covered!<br />
I looked away for a<br />
couple seconds and then<br />
the next thing I knew, she<br />
was swerving into my<br />
lane.<br />
It scared me so badly<br />
that I dropped my electric<br />
shaver into my coffee,<br />
and it spilled all over my<br />
smart phone!”<br />
Peoples Insurance - Monmouth<br />
832 Main Street, Monmouth<br />
(207) 777-1877 or (888) 783-2246<br />
Pinkham Insurance<br />
8 Almar Street, Farmingdale<br />
(207) 626-5810 or (866) 626-5820<br />
Champoux Insurance Agency<br />
150 East Avenue, Lewiston<br />
(207) 783-2246<br />
(888) 783-2246<br />
Peoples Insurance - Ogunquit<br />
716 Main Street, Ogunquit<br />
(207) 646-7118 or (877) 840-7118<br />
Rogers Insurance<br />
38 Main Street, Lisbon Falls<br />
(207) 353-6834 or (888) 353-6833<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
12 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
Exaggerations went up by, like, a million percent last year.
I sympathize with batteries. I’m not included in anything either.<br />
Out and About<br />
at Tabers<br />
18th Annual<br />
Since 1940<br />
• Restaurant<br />
• Miniature Golf<br />
• Driving Range<br />
• Ice Cream Stand<br />
Glow in the Dark<br />
Mini Golf<br />
Ethan Frumiento<br />
<strong>August</strong> 5th @ 7pm<br />
rollback prices!<br />
<strong>August</strong> 12th 9pm -<br />
11:30pm<br />
Great<br />
Family<br />
Fun!<br />
Gail Clukey (Mim)<br />
& Jayden Cormier<br />
(Grandson)<br />
Mini<br />
golf or driving<br />
range, come see<br />
me, I'll get you<br />
started!<br />
Join Us!<br />
The Maine Mini Golf Open*<br />
<strong>August</strong> 6 th @9:30am<br />
*The Maine Mini Golf Open is a 36 Hole Tournament<br />
$20 entry fee • $ 500 1 st place • Cash prizes for top 5<br />
Jack Martel<br />
Golf Open 10am - 9pm • Restaurant 11am - 9pm<br />
470 Lake Shore Drive, Auburn • www.tabersgolf.com<br />
John Scott<br />
A termite walks into the bar and asks, ‘Is the bar tender here?’<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 13
Out and About<br />
at Melissa’s Pub<br />
The fact that Head & Shoulders doesn’t have a body wash called<br />
‘Knees & Toes’ disappoints me.<br />
M<br />
EVENT<br />
SERIES <strong>2023</strong>-24<br />
Sneak peek at the upcoming season! More to come!<br />
Sept. 10 Midcoast Symphony<br />
Orchestra & Friends Fundraiser<br />
Jan. 26 Piano Men:<br />
The Music of Elton & Billy<br />
Renee Simonitis<br />
John Rundin<br />
& Caleb Robitaille<br />
Sept. 16 Kendall Dean<br />
Sept. 30 Davidson County Line Band<br />
Oct. 7 Runnin’ Down a Dream:<br />
Tom Petty Tribute<br />
Oct. 13 Sweet Baby James:<br />
James Taylor Tribute<br />
Oct. 15 Piano Series Geoge Lopez<br />
Oct. 19, 20, 21 Fright Night Walk<br />
Feb. 3 Welcome to Maine comedy<br />
Feb. 10 Imari & the Sahara Desert<br />
Dancers<br />
Feb. 17 Josee Vachon<br />
March 9 Magic Bus:<br />
The Who Tribute<br />
April 3: Windham Chamber Singers<br />
Wendell Strout<br />
Oct. 29 Fiddle-icious<br />
Nov. 3 Feminine Voice of Protest,<br />
Malinda Haslett<br />
Nov. 9, 10, 11 Bricks & Bridges<br />
Comedy Fest<br />
Nov. 17 Robert “Elvis” Washington<br />
Dec. 15, 16 Sights & Sounds of<br />
Christmas<br />
April 5: Studio Two:<br />
The Beatles Tribute<br />
June 14: Paper Flowers:<br />
Fleetwood Mac Tribute Band<br />
July 13: Heather Pierson<br />
Noon Tunes La Rencontre: Sept. 7,<br />
Dec. 7, March 7, June 20<br />
207-689-2000<br />
46 Cedar Street, Lewiston<br />
www.francocenter.org<br />
Underwriter<br />
Media Sponsors<br />
BENNETT RADIO GROUP<br />
Romaine Langelier<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
14 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can<br />
extrapolate from incomplete data.
MAINE’S #1 STEAKHOUSE<br />
Now Hiring<br />
Line Cooks!<br />
Join us on<br />
<strong>August</strong> 12th for<br />
the Summer Block<br />
Party Grand Finale!<br />
Summertime<br />
dining is great here<br />
at Mac’s! Come see<br />
why the locals eat<br />
here!<br />
COME JOIN US!<br />
SATURDAY, AUG. 12 TH<br />
<strong>2023</strong><br />
hosted by<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com<br />
1052 Minot Avenue, Auburn • 783-6885 • MacsGrill.com<br />
15
Out and About<br />
at Tabers<br />
A photon checks into a hotel, and the bellhop asks if he has any luggage.<br />
The photon replies, “No, I’m traveling light.”<br />
JOIN A TEAM THAT VALUES ITS MEMBERS!<br />
Scan here to<br />
Apply Today!<br />
www.debloiselectric.com<br />
Aliza & Jason Wolfe<br />
Immediate openings for<br />
experienced licensed electricians<br />
Stacy & Ana Wolfe,<br />
& Doug Crist<br />
I’ve started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.<br />
It’s all about raisin awareness.<br />
Anna Pierce<br />
& Don Hawley<br />
Shannon Mann<br />
& Anna Cote<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
16 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
I was just in the breakroom, and someone threw milk at me… How dairy!
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.<br />
Filtered<br />
Submitted by Trevor Saunders<br />
Come see Kathy & Joe!<br />
Scan<br />
here to<br />
see our<br />
menu!<br />
George was an old<br />
man and was not<br />
feeling well. He was<br />
in the hospital until<br />
they could figure out<br />
what was going on.<br />
Order Online! Visit our website: stationgrillrestaurant.com<br />
Balloon Festival<br />
<strong>August</strong> 18th & 20th Open 6:30am-10pm<br />
Sunday <strong>August</strong> 20 th Open 6:30- 3pm<br />
Now<br />
Hiring<br />
Wait<br />
staff!<br />
Tuesday - Saturday: 7am-2pm • Sunday: 7am-3pm<br />
dinner: Thurs., Fri., & Sat. 4-8pm<br />
103 Lincoln Street, Lewiston<br />
207-333-5062<br />
Closed- Both locations <strong>August</strong> 21 st to September 4 th<br />
SCHMENGEES BAR & GRILL<br />
<strong>August</strong> 19th<br />
Dart league meeting at 6pm<br />
September 12-13th<br />
Cornhole season start up.<br />
Contact Joe @ 207-312-3633<br />
Outside Seating available<br />
DINNER HOURS<br />
Thursday through Saturday 4-8pm<br />
• Rib Eye<br />
• Teriyaki glazed Salmon<br />
• Seafood Casserole<br />
• New York Strip<br />
Full Bar • Cocktails • Beer • Wine<br />
There was one nurse<br />
that drove George<br />
crazy. Every time<br />
she came in, she<br />
would talk to him like<br />
he was a child.<br />
In a patronizing<br />
voice she would ask,<br />
“And how are we doing<br />
this morning, are<br />
we ready for a bath,"<br />
or "Are we hungry?”<br />
Old George had<br />
enough so one day<br />
when he was having<br />
breakfast, he pulled<br />
the apple juice off<br />
the tray and set it<br />
aside to keep.<br />
Later on he had<br />
been given a bottle<br />
to fill with a urine<br />
sample. Instead of<br />
filling the bottle with<br />
urine he decided to<br />
use the apple juice.<br />
The nurse came in a<br />
while later to collect<br />
the sample, and as<br />
usual, had something<br />
to say.<br />
“My, this sample<br />
looks a little cloudy<br />
today,” the nurse<br />
said.<br />
With that, George<br />
grabbed the bottle<br />
and drank its contents.<br />
“Well, I’ll run it<br />
through again, maybe<br />
I can filter it better<br />
this time,” George<br />
snapped.<br />
What’s a forklift? Food usually.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 17
Welcome<br />
PromoBerries<br />
to the Lewiston<br />
Auburn<br />
Metropolitan<br />
Chamber of<br />
Commerce<br />
Me: I want to travel. Bank Account: Where? To work?<br />
Join us for Live Music every Wednesday 7p-9p<br />
LA’s One & Only True Hibachi Experience!<br />
40 East Avenue, Lewiston | www.sea40me.com | 207-795-6888<br />
Promoberries offers<br />
Creative Promotional<br />
Merchandise. With<br />
many years of experience<br />
in the industry,<br />
owner Michael<br />
Truchon decided to<br />
start Promoberries.<br />
They have access to<br />
thousands of different<br />
products and<br />
services, and have<br />
an on-staff graphic<br />
designer available<br />
to help seven days a<br />
week! Low overhead<br />
and use of only the<br />
top manufacturers<br />
in the industry allow<br />
them to offer pricing<br />
that not many other<br />
companies can.<br />
Promoberries is a<br />
proud veteran-owned<br />
company!<br />
Visit them online<br />
promoberries.com<br />
or call 207-240-9126<br />
Are you a new member<br />
of the Chamber? Call<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s today for<br />
a FREE Press Release in<br />
our next issue! 783-7039<br />
WASHRITE LAUNDROMAT<br />
laundry done right<br />
Wash & Dry Service Available<br />
ATM<br />
Change Machine<br />
Soap Dispenser<br />
Waiting Area with TV<br />
Folding Stations<br />
77 Sabattus St. Lewiston<br />
DID YOU HEAR!?<br />
Our Whoopie Pies are #1<br />
Stop by and see for yourself!<br />
All New<br />
Machines<br />
*CLEAN*<br />
• Whoopie Pies<br />
• Chocolates-custom orders & in-stock<br />
• Fresh homestyle breakfast & lunch<br />
• Gluten free options<br />
Receive 10% OFF your purchase when<br />
you mention the <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s ad<br />
FRIDAY SPECIAL<br />
French Toast Breakfast<br />
Buy One, Get One 50% OFF<br />
We ship chocolates<br />
anywhere in the country 207-705-1866<br />
550 Center Street, Auburn Mall<br />
nuttynettieschocolate@gmail.com<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
18 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
Why did one auto company attack another auto company? Automotive.
The future, the present, and the past walk into a bar.<br />
Things got a little tense.<br />
Out and About<br />
at Tabers<br />
THE AMERICAN LEGION<br />
FAMILY<br />
RED SHIRT FRIDAYS: Wear your red shirt on Fridays<br />
and get a surprise!<br />
“SEE YOU AT THE POST!”<br />
Members & Guests Welcome!<br />
AMERICAN LEGION ACT<br />
Veterans who were honorably discharged<br />
but whose service did not fall into previously<br />
defined war eras may now join<br />
the American Legion immediately. The<br />
eligibility now spans from Dec. 7, 1941,<br />
until a time when the U.S. is no longer at<br />
war, as determined by Congress.<br />
RED SHIRT FRIDAYS: Wear your red shirt on<br />
Fridays and get a surprise! “SEE YOU AT THE POST!”<br />
For Veteran or Community services, call<br />
207-782-1118 or 207-873-3229<br />
Hall Rentals Available<br />
Call for more<br />
information<br />
207-782-1118<br />
71 South Main St, Auburn • 207-782-1118<br />
HOURS: Monday - Thursday: 12pm-6pm • Friday: 12pm-11pm<br />
Saturday: 12pm-9pm • Sunday: 11am-6pm<br />
MUSIC, KARAOKE & DANCE w/ JEAN LOUIS<br />
FRIDAYS 7-11pm in <strong>August</strong><br />
Jerry Joe - <strong>August</strong> 11th & 25th • 7 - 11pm<br />
Balloon Fest Fun<br />
Saturday, <strong>August</strong> 19 1-5pm in the parking lot<br />
$7 Sausage Subs (peppers & onions) & our<br />
famous Lime Rickey $3<br />
MONTHLY MEETING WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 16 TH<br />
6:30 EXECTUTIVE COMMITTEE 7:00PM GENERAL MEMBERSHIP<br />
Legion Members attending have a chanceto win $100, $50, or $25<br />
Bloody Mary Sundays<br />
by Kevin<br />
11a-6p!<br />
REMINDER TO PAY YOUR 2024 DUES<br />
Melodie Sanders<br />
Today I saved $236.17 by not going to Target for toothpaste.<br />
Eric Lachance<br />
Jennifer Verreault<br />
& Debra Tardif<br />
James Colozzi<br />
This morning I saw a person dragging a clam on a leash behind him. It must be hard to<br />
walk with a pulled mussel.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 19
A New Era Begins...<br />
Labor Day Weekend<br />
Saturday October 7 | Sunday Oct<br />
• Day Tripper - 1 Day Pass •2 Day Pass •3 Day Passes<br />
Tickets<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
20 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
• Maine Craft Beers • Local Restaurant Food rea<br />
Onfo<br />
TICKETS & INFO: theMaineMusic<br />
At: Bear’s Preserve 40 Airport<br />
formerly Twit
ay October 9 | Monday October 10 from 2:00 P.M. each day<br />
y Passes Available TICKETS starting from $39.00 FREE PARKING<br />
Lorem<br />
Mark Lorem Ipsum Miller<br />
Onfood reasonable<br />
priced • More Artists to be Announced...<br />
usicAwards.com | theMaineFest.com<br />
0 Airport Road, Route 4 Turner Maine<br />
formerly Twitchell’s Airport<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 21
Old Snake<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
An old snake goes to<br />
see his Doctor. “Doc, I<br />
need something for my<br />
eyes... I can’t see well<br />
these days.”<br />
Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe,<br />
but if you remove it, you get…. Gravy.<br />
Hours<br />
Mon.-Fri. 9am-8pm Sat. & Sun. 9am-3pm<br />
Massage, facials and body treatments<br />
The Doc fixes him up<br />
with a pair of glasses<br />
and tells him to return<br />
in two weeks.<br />
The snake comes back<br />
in two weeks and tells<br />
the doctor he’s very<br />
depressed.<br />
Doc says, “What’s the<br />
problem... didn’t the<br />
glasses help you?”<br />
“The glasses are fine<br />
Doc, I just discovered<br />
I’ve been living with a<br />
water hose the past<br />
two years!”<br />
An Open<br />
Window<br />
Submitted by Trevor Saunders<br />
Janet went to her doctor<br />
for a follow-up visit<br />
and he asked, “Have<br />
you been sleeping by<br />
an open window, like I<br />
advised you to do?”<br />
“Yes, just like you said,<br />
doc,” Janet replied.<br />
“And, is the bronchitis<br />
gone now?”<br />
Janet answered, “Not<br />
yet, so far the only<br />
things gone are my<br />
laptop and cellphone.”<br />
Tell them you saw<br />
their ad in the <strong>Digest</strong>!<br />
The Right<br />
Coverage at the<br />
Right Price.<br />
Copyright ©2022 NFP. All Rights Reserved.<br />
Party<br />
Platters<br />
Available<br />
(orders only)<br />
Take out • Dine in<br />
Homemade Goods<br />
Gift Certificates Available<br />
11 Mechanic Falls Rd. Oxford, Maine<br />
essencewellnessspa.com 207-539-5128<br />
Discover insurance solutions from local industry experts<br />
dedicated to protecting your assets. From risk consulting<br />
to claims support, we’ve got you covered.<br />
John Blanchette, Sales Advisor | 207.784.9358<br />
john.blanchette@nfp.com<br />
For your business.<br />
For your people.<br />
For your life.<br />
NFP.com<br />
Visit our new NFP office:<br />
681 Sabattus St | Lewiston, ME 04240<br />
Bringing the Ocean to your Table<br />
The freshest seafood around!<br />
Gray, ME<br />
Hours: Mon. 11a-5p • Tues.-Thurs. 11a-6p • Fri. 11a-7p • Sat. 10a-7p • Sun. 10a-5p<br />
Join our monthly membership for free<br />
WE HAVE<br />
LIVE<br />
LOBSTERS!<br />
Let us do the cooking!<br />
207-657-3474<br />
59c Portland Road, Gray<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
22 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
I sent my hearing aids in for repair 3 weeks ago. I haven’t heard anything since.
Launches 6am-6pm<br />
Moon Glow Friday at dusk<br />
Live music all weekend<br />
Parade Saturday 11am<br />
“For the Love of Animals Event” Festival Plaza Saturday 11am-3pm<br />
GFBF/American Red Cross Blood Drive Saturday 19 th 9am-2pm Auburn Senior Center<br />
Family Fun Day Sunday 9-11am - Costume Party<br />
<strong>August</strong> 18-20th, <strong>2023</strong><br />
SCHEDULE OF EVENTS<br />
Our Mission<br />
The mission of the Great Falls Balloon Festival is to provide fundraising opportunities<br />
for local non-profit organizations, while celebrating our community and promoting the<br />
Lewiston/Auburn area as a visitor destination.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com<br />
www.greatfallsballoonfestival.org<br />
23
Picnic Plans<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
Three turtles, Jack,<br />
Joe, and James, decided<br />
to go for a picnic.<br />
Now, as we all know,<br />
turtles are remarkably<br />
slow, so by the time<br />
everything was organized<br />
- sandwiches,<br />
drinks, fruit - three<br />
days had all ready<br />
gone past.<br />
They started to a place<br />
by the river where they<br />
were going to have<br />
their picnic.<br />
Three weeks later,<br />
they arrive, and they<br />
were really tired. Jack<br />
suggested to open the<br />
picnic basket and get a<br />
drink. So they opened<br />
the basket and found a<br />
bottle of cola. Unfortunately,<br />
they didn’t<br />
have the bottle opener<br />
with them; they left it at<br />
home.<br />
Jack asked Joe if<br />
he’d go back to get it<br />
for them. He refused,<br />
saying it was a long<br />
journey back.<br />
They asked, and<br />
asked, and eventually,<br />
he agreed on the<br />
condition that Jack and<br />
James didn’t touch<br />
the food while he was<br />
gone. As hungry as<br />
they were, they agreed<br />
to Joe’s condition, and<br />
off he went.<br />
Two days later, still no<br />
Joe, a week later, still<br />
no Joe.<br />
(continued on next page)<br />
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Smoking bacon will cure it.<br />
165 High Street, Auburn<br />
villageinnmaine.com<br />
Open wed.-Sun.<br />
Check out our<br />
• Weekly specials<br />
• The Port Side Lounge<br />
• The Captain’s Room<br />
• The Skylight Room<br />
Our menu has<br />
something<br />
everyone can<br />
enjoy<br />
Roy’s<br />
FOODLAND<br />
SATURDAY<br />
Beans, bread/rolls &<br />
cole slaw<br />
$11.99<br />
WEDNESDAY<br />
Ham, Veggie, Salami,<br />
or Pepperoni Italians<br />
$2.99<br />
Now hiring wait staff & bartender!<br />
PIZZA PACKS<br />
Pizza<br />
Packs<br />
$12.99<br />
We have more than seafood!<br />
Our prime rib & chicken parm are fan favorites.<br />
You won’t leave hungry!<br />
The Village Inn<br />
Check out our in-store Weekly Ad for our <strong>2023</strong> specials!<br />
Get your<br />
BBQ meats<br />
here<br />
70 Broad Street, Auburn • 207-783-8471<br />
www.ShopAtRoysFoodland.com<br />
Mon.-Thurs. 8am-6pm • Fri. 8am-7pm • Sat. 8am-6pm • Sun. Closed<br />
We Do Declare<br />
Pineapple DOES<br />
go on Pizza!<br />
Come try it for yourself!<br />
Still not convinced?<br />
We have tons of other pizza flavors!<br />
85 Center Street<br />
207-784-8221<br />
Open 11-9p Daily<br />
Best Chicken &<br />
Ham Salad<br />
IN THE WORLD!<br />
Try our hamburger,<br />
it’s the best!<br />
Beanie Babies<br />
on Sale Here!<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
24 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
Not all math puns are terrible. Just sum.
6:30 is the best time on a clock, hands down.<br />
(continued from previous<br />
page)<br />
Two weeks pass and<br />
Jack turns to James<br />
and says, “We need to<br />
eat a sandwich. We’re<br />
going to die soon without<br />
food.”<br />
With hesitation on going<br />
back on their word,<br />
they get a sandwich<br />
each and start eating.<br />
Just then, who should<br />
appear from behind<br />
a bush, but Joe. Jack<br />
and James looked at<br />
him in disbelief.<br />
He looked at Jack and<br />
James enjoying the<br />
sandwich and said,<br />
“Well, just for that, I’m<br />
not going back!”<br />
Two men are on opposite sides of the river. The first man shouts, “How do I get to the other side of the river?”<br />
The other man yells, “You ARE on the other side of the river.”<br />
• Decks, sheds<br />
• Basement remodels<br />
• Light Carpentry<br />
• Plowing & Sanding<br />
• Fully Insured<br />
Commercial & Residential<br />
Joe Scammom<br />
207.402.1330<br />
Serving 24 flavors of<br />
Soft Serve Ice Cream<br />
Open Thurs.-Sun. 10a-5p<br />
Shuga Shak Country Store<br />
Now selling lobster<br />
live or cooked<br />
Lobster Rolls<br />
Maple Baked Beans<br />
every Saturday!<br />
Wine • Local Products<br />
Honey • Pickles<br />
• Jams Candies •<br />
Crafts...<br />
and much more!<br />
450 Pigeon Hill Road<br />
(Rte 26), Mechanic Falls<br />
207-576-7886<br />
Ouellette’s Cleanup<br />
Handyman Services<br />
Farralee Ouellette, proprietor<br />
Providing janitorial<br />
& lawn care services<br />
Residential & Commercial<br />
PO Box 72<br />
Paris, Maine 04271<br />
207-376-5151<br />
A woman-owned<br />
business with<br />
more than 6 years<br />
experience!<br />
MAINE GOURMET CHOCOLATES<br />
Always FREE samples for tasting!<br />
Needhams, nonpareils<br />
and novelties!<br />
We have balloon lolipops along with<br />
all of our other goodies!<br />
168 Main St. Auburn 207.783.8472<br />
mainegourmetchocolates.com<br />
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 25
UNCLE ANDY’S DIGEST<br />
presents<br />
S<br />
A<br />
Food, Fun, & Music to Benefit<br />
hosted by<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
26 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
Fun for<br />
Everyone!<br />
• Kid’s Zone w/ Inflatable<br />
Obstacle Course<br />
• HUGE Silent Auction<br />
• Dunk Tank<br />
• Face Painting<br />
• Mr. Drew & His Animals Too<br />
• Great Food<br />
• Beer Garden & Full Bar<br />
• 50/50<br />
3 BANDS!<br />
1-3pm:Tatooed Lies<br />
3-5pm:Fire in the Hole<br />
6-9pm: Skosh<br />
9-10pm: Fire in the Hole<br />
& Skosh<br />
A Summer Event<br />
You Won’t Want<br />
to Miss!<br />
The Grand Finale<br />
Summer Block Party is<br />
bound to be the best yet.<br />
Great bands and fun for<br />
everyone, come help us reach<br />
our goal to reach 100 wishes<br />
through all 9 Summer Block<br />
Party events!
Saturday,<br />
<strong>August</strong> 12 th<br />
Akerman<br />
Concrete<br />
1:00<br />
to<br />
10pm<br />
OUTSIDE, NEXT TO<br />
MAC’S GRILL<br />
1052 Minot Ave.<br />
Auburn<br />
OUR AMAZING SPONSORS!<br />
Wish Sponsors<br />
Sponsors of Hope<br />
Alternative Sprinkler<br />
Fire Protection<br />
Star Sponsors<br />
Media Partners:<br />
Community<br />
Sponsors:<br />
290 Main St.<br />
Auburn Savings Bank<br />
DuBois Realty Group<br />
Fortin Funeral Homes<br />
Bancroft Contracting<br />
Bilodeau Insurance<br />
Cliff Hmmond<br />
CN Brown<br />
Firehouse Subs<br />
Georges Pizza<br />
Hahnel Bros<br />
Kristi’s Cafe<br />
Lee Auto Mall<br />
Lisa Laliberte<br />
State Farm<br />
Paradie, Rabasco<br />
& Seasonwein<br />
Rowe Auburn<br />
Spruce Bay Farm<br />
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<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 27
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they’re both ‘lefts,’ which on the one hand is great,<br />
but on the other, it’s just not right.<br />
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Stock Market<br />
Report<br />
Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />
Helium is up, feathers<br />
are down. Paper is<br />
stationary.<br />
Fluorescent tubing was<br />
dimmed in light trading.<br />
Knives were sharply up.<br />
Cows steered into the<br />
bull market. Pencils lost<br />
a few points. Hiking<br />
equipment was trailing.<br />
Elevators rose while<br />
escalators continued<br />
their slow decline.<br />
Weights are up in<br />
heavy trading, while<br />
light switches were off.<br />
Mining equipment hit<br />
rock bottom, yet diapers<br />
remained unchanged.<br />
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.<br />
Out & About with Roopers at the 1st Annual Squatch Open<br />
The Squatch himself<br />
& Larry Roop<br />
Stephanie & Jesse St. Laurent<br />
Marty & Mary Jane Roop with<br />
grandson Eli St. Laurent<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
28 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
What do biologists wear to work on Casual Friday? Genes.
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Income<br />
Demands<br />
Submitted by Trevor Saunders<br />
The basketball<br />
coach storms into<br />
the university president’s<br />
office and<br />
demands an immediate<br />
raise.<br />
The president says,<br />
“But you already<br />
make more than<br />
anyone else in our<br />
entire athletic<br />
department.”<br />
The coach says angrily,<br />
“Maybe so, but<br />
you don’t know what<br />
I have to put up with<br />
every single day.<br />
Watch this...”<br />
With that the coach<br />
goes into the hall<br />
and grabs one of the<br />
basketball players<br />
who is jogging down<br />
the hallway.<br />
He said to him, “Run<br />
over to my office and<br />
see if I’m there.”<br />
Twenty minutes later<br />
the player comes<br />
back, covered in<br />
sweat and breathing<br />
heavily.<br />
The basketball player<br />
says to the coach,<br />
“You’re not there,<br />
sir.”<br />
The president<br />
scratches his head<br />
as he says, “Oh, I<br />
see what you mean.<br />
I would have called<br />
and not run.”<br />
Sometimes I tell fish jokes just for the halibut.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 29
70% of the earth is water, and virtually none of it is carbonated. So the earth is, in fact, flat.<br />
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<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
30 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
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What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabi.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 31
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<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
32 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society. I spilled the beans.
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CHILDRENS<br />
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Specializing in Heat Pumps/AC, Oil & Gas Furnace<br />
Enter to win our<br />
backpack of school<br />
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Coach Terry’s<br />
REDEMPTION<br />
CENTER<br />
The friendly redemption center<br />
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Drawing <strong>August</strong> 20th<br />
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207-225-2008<br />
Open daily 8am to 4pm<br />
Don’t put it off, have your cooling system checked<br />
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Serving Greater Central Maine<br />
Ensuring<br />
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RICK BROWNING<br />
Certified Inspector<br />
207-619-0868<br />
upfronthi@gmail.com<br />
I’ve been doing crunches twice a day now. Captain in the morning.<br />
Nestle in the afternoon.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 33
Want it Now<br />
Submitted by Pam Ashby<br />
My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.<br />
A man buys a Powerball<br />
ticket and wins<br />
the lottery. He goes<br />
to claim his money<br />
and the clerk verifies<br />
his winning number.<br />
The man says, “Here<br />
is my ticket. I would<br />
like my $524 million,<br />
please.”<br />
The clerk replied,<br />
“No, sir. It doesn’t<br />
work that way. We<br />
give you the first<br />
million dollars today<br />
and then you’ll get<br />
the rest spread out<br />
over the next 19<br />
years.”<br />
The man, annoyed,<br />
says, “Oh, no. I want<br />
all my money right<br />
now! I won it, and I<br />
want it.”<br />
Again the clerk patiently<br />
explains that<br />
he would only get<br />
one million dollars<br />
that day and the<br />
rest over the next 19<br />
years.<br />
The man, furious<br />
with the clerk,<br />
screams out, “I<br />
WANT MY MONEY!<br />
If you’re not going<br />
to give me my $524<br />
million right now,<br />
then you’d better go<br />
right into that cash<br />
register and refund<br />
me the $2 that it cost<br />
me to buy the ticket<br />
in the first place!”<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
34 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
Whiteboards are remarkable.
Blunt pencils are really pointless.<br />
Side<br />
Hustle<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
A young city couple<br />
are driving down a<br />
country lane on their<br />
way to visit some<br />
friends one day.<br />
RoySnow.com<br />
207.782.3734<br />
Serving Maine since 1947<br />
Poland Spring Golf Course<br />
& Mel’s Hilltop Restaurant<br />
Designed by Donald Ross, the golf course is an<br />
18-hole, par 71, championship layout. Enjoy velvet<br />
bent grass greens, well maintained fairways, and<br />
tees for all abilities. We also have a driving range,<br />
practice putting green, and golf school.<br />
Come enjoy the scenery and the great food at<br />
Mel’s Hilltop Restaurant before or after your<br />
round, or just to have fun!<br />
Call the Pro Shop at (207) 998-6002 for tee<br />
times and more information.<br />
www.PolandSpringResort.com<br />
11 Library Ave.<br />
Auburn<br />
Things to do before summer ends<br />
Go on a Camping Trip<br />
Visit a Water Park<br />
Go to a Drive- in Theater<br />
Have a memorable summer<br />
They suddenly come<br />
to a muddy patch in<br />
the road and don’t<br />
stop in time, so the<br />
car becomes bogged<br />
down and stuck.<br />
After a few minutes<br />
of trying to get the<br />
car out by themselves,<br />
they see a<br />
young farmer coming<br />
down the lane,<br />
driving some oxen in<br />
front of him.<br />
The young farmer<br />
stops when he sees<br />
the couple in trouble<br />
and offers to use the<br />
oxen to pull the car<br />
out of the mud for<br />
$50. The husband<br />
accepts and a few<br />
minutes later the car<br />
is free.<br />
Afterward, the farmer<br />
says to the husband,<br />
“You know, you’re<br />
the tenth car I’ve<br />
helped out of the<br />
mud today.”<br />
The husband looks<br />
around at the fields<br />
and asks the farmer,<br />
“When do you have<br />
time to plow your<br />
land? At night?”<br />
The young farmer<br />
says, “Oh no. Night<br />
is when I put the<br />
water in the hole.”<br />
Two wifi engineers got married. The reception was fantastic.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 35
Top<br />
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Call Today!<br />
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Businesses & individuals can help make it<br />
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207-754-1815<br />
steve@uncleandys.com<br />
Proudly Supporting<br />
We can't thank you enough<br />
to everyone who has donated,<br />
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eternally grateful!<br />
Come see us on <strong>August</strong> 12th at<br />
Mac's Grill, 1-10pm for the event of<br />
the summer!<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
36 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
This message is brought to you by all of us at <strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong>, and its advertise
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Modern Woodmen of America<br />
Matthew J. Nadeau<br />
FIC<br />
Suite 2B<br />
167 Main Street<br />
Winthrop, ME 04364<br />
B 207-395-5177 • C 207-707-3531<br />
matthew.j.nadeau@mwarep.org I can help you plan for life. Let's talk.<br />
reps.modernwoodmen.org/mnadeau<br />
Life insurance | Retirement planning | Financial services | Member programs<br />
Richard Moylan<br />
(207) 777-0050<br />
791 Kittyhawk Ave. Unit 5, Auburn<br />
richardmoylan@allstate.com<br />
FADDEN<br />
CUSTOM PEST SERVICES<br />
Edward Fadden<br />
edward_fadden@yahoo.com<br />
207-576-9750<br />
Call me<br />
to find out<br />
Amy St. Hilaire<br />
Anyone can help grant a wish for a child suffering<br />
from a serious illness. Please Donate!<br />
how! 207-402-1070<br />
amy@uncleandys.com<br />
Insurance and coverages subject to terms.<br />
qualifications and availability. Allstate Property<br />
and Casualty Insurance Company, Allstate Fire<br />
and Casualty Insurance Company: Northbrook,<br />
Illinois © 2010 Allstate Insurance Company<br />
Proud sponsor of the<br />
Summer Block Party<br />
advertisers. Let’s support local businesses and frequent them at every opportunity.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 37
Pull The<br />
Plug<br />
Submitted by Thomas Hill<br />
Out in Kansas, tornadoes<br />
often hit with<br />
sudden devastation,<br />
and without warning.<br />
In one case, a house<br />
was completely<br />
whisked away,<br />
leaving only the<br />
foundation and first<br />
floor.<br />
A silver-haired farm<br />
lady was seen sitting<br />
dazed, in a bathtub.<br />
It was the only<br />
remaining part of the<br />
house left above the<br />
floor.<br />
The rescue squad<br />
rushed to her aid<br />
and found her<br />
unhurt. She was<br />
just sitting there in<br />
the tub, talking to<br />
herself.<br />
“It was the most<br />
amazing thing … it<br />
was the most amazing<br />
thing,” she kept<br />
repeating dazedly.<br />
“What was the most<br />
amazing thing,<br />
Ma’am?” asked one<br />
of the rescuers.<br />
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know and I don’t care.<br />
47 Broad Street, Auburn<br />
www.firehouseauburn.com<br />
207-376-4959<br />
Monday - Saturday 11a-9p<br />
FULL SERVICE &<br />
REPAIR SHOP<br />
Heavy Duty Truck &<br />
Equipment Repairs<br />
State Inspection Station<br />
Commercial & Motor Vehicle Stickers<br />
You’ll Love<br />
our Daily<br />
Specials!<br />
Appointment Only<br />
207.784.8293<br />
250 Broad Street, Auburn<br />
<strong>August</strong> Special<br />
$<br />
8<br />
Blue days<br />
of summer<br />
BURGER MONDAY Get $2 off your burgers! (dine-in only) • WHISKEY WEDNESDAY $1 off whiskey<br />
COMMERCIAL & RESIDENTIAL<br />
Now bidding<br />
Commercial plowing locations!<br />
“I was visiting my<br />
daughter here, and<br />
I decided to take a<br />
bath. I swear all I<br />
did was pull the plug<br />
and dog-gone-it if<br />
the whole house<br />
didn’t suddenly drain<br />
away.”<br />
Call today to get<br />
Locked in<br />
207.754.2343<br />
hirdcontracting@gmail.com<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
38 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
If attacked by a mob of clowns, go for the juggler.
One of the cows didn’t produce milk today. It was an udder failure.<br />
Follow us on<br />
Physical, speech, and<br />
occupational therapy services.<br />
Care & Comfort in your own home or our office.<br />
Home Support<br />
Physical, Speech, &<br />
Occupational Therapy<br />
CAMPING SEASON IS Here!<br />
Are you ready?<br />
368 Minot Avenue, Suite 3, Auburn<br />
Phone: 207-333-5022 • Fax: 207-333-5089<br />
Cell: 207-513-2279 • Email: davispt2019@icloud.com<br />
Poisson & Sons Auto Care<br />
260 S. Main Street, Auburn 207.782.9144<br />
FULL SERVICE GAS STATION<br />
<strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong><br />
Stickers are due!<br />
CALL OF THE WILD RV CENTER<br />
848 Main Street, Oxford<br />
207-539-4410 • www.callofthewildrv.com<br />
YOur local friendly vehicle repair shop<br />
BRING Home Cooking HOME<br />
207-783-0000783-0000<br />
corporateintelligenceinc.comtelligenceinc.com<br />
Offering homemade meals,<br />
snacks, and treats to eat-in<br />
or take home.<br />
~ fresh or frozen ~<br />
~ single or family-size ~<br />
meals • soups • salads • desserts<br />
7 main st., gray | 657.1092 | twomumskitchen.com<br />
The man who invented Velcro has died. RIP.<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
<strong>Uncle</strong>Andys.com 39
An event you<br />
won’t want to miss!<br />
SUMMER BLOCK PARTY<br />
Check out just one of my reviews...<br />
Looking to Buy or Sell? I look forward to working with you NEXT.<br />
“PERSONABLE, PROFESSIONAL, SEAMLESS AND VERY DETAIL ORIENTED!<br />
Working with Cindy on the purchase of our land was incredibly seamless. She went above and<br />
beyond with making sure the land suited our needs. She was timely, professional, and thought<br />
out every case scenario to make sure we were well prepared and educated. We are so happy<br />
with our experience and highly recommend Cindy to anyone who is looking to buy or sell.”<br />
— Anonymous buyer, April <strong>2023</strong><br />
RMS has joined the Guild Mortgage family<br />
We are stronger together<br />
1:00<br />
th to<br />
1:00<br />
to<br />
10pm<br />
Saturday,<br />
<strong>August</strong> 12 th<br />
OUTSIDE, NEXT TO MAC’S GRILL<br />
1052 Minot Ave., Auburn<br />
Debbie Bodwell<br />
NMLS# 280336<br />
Debbie.Bodwell@guildmortgage.net<br />
181 Center Street, Auburn, ME 04210<br />
207.754.3962<br />
I am authorized to do business in the states of Maine, North Carolina, South Carolina and Virginia. (www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org)<br />
Guild Mortgage Company; NMLS #3274; Equal Housing Opportunity; www.nmlsconsumeraccess.org.<br />
Your local guide to... well, just about anything!<br />
<strong>Uncle</strong> Andy’s <strong>Digest</strong><br />
UNCLEANDYS.COM<br />
40 <strong>August</strong> <strong>2023</strong>
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