Focus on the Family Magazine - June/July 2020

COUPLES / MARITAL UNITY
a marriage myth:
Uncover the lie that
distorts true marital unity
BY ROBERT PAUL WITH DR. GREG SMALLEY
ABOUT NINE YEARS into my
marriage, the conflict pattern I had
with my wife, Jenni, was predictable.
When differences arose, I would try
to help Jenni see why her position
and feelings were wrong and how
she needed to change. Jenni would
then escalate into anger to get me to
back off.
One day during that season, we got
sideways over something, and Jenni
asked if we could walk to the park so
we could talk.
I agreed.
When we arrived, she took out a
piece of paper and drew a line down
the middle. She labeled one side
“Bob” and the other side “Jenni.” On
the “Bob” side, she listed the way I
saw the issue. On the other side, she
listed the way she saw it.
She then asked me if I agreed with
her description.
I acknowledged that what she had
listed on both sides was accurate.
Then Jenni said, “From my perspective,
you just see this issue
differently than I do. And I’m OK with
the way you see it. Can you be OK
with the way I see it?”
My answer was an emphatic no.
Jenni was shocked by my response.
In her mind, differences were an
acceptable and natural part of all
human relationships. However, at
that point I was thoroughly locked
into a belief that differences were a
problem to overcome. That’s because
I had an unrealistic view of marital
unity. I thought that when a husband
and wife were joined in matrimony,
they essentially gave up their individuality
in order to become “one.”
Discovering a healthier model for
marriage eventually turned our marriage
around. Letting go of my false
idea about unity and replacing it with
a biblical mindset allowed us to form
a healthier relationship. Let’s take a
look at the true unity that God has
designed for couples.
FOTF / BRIAN MELLEMA
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FOCUS ON THE FAMILY
June / July 2020