Focus on the Family Magazine - June/July 2020

SIBLING CONFLICT / KIDS & TEENS
Help children recognize that they
are unique and special. Differences
do not make one child lesser or
greater than a sibling. “Parents of
more than one child will regularly
have to exercise a delicate responsibility:
recognizing and praising each
child’s unique skills, strengths and
accomplishments without implying
that one sibling is somehow better
than another,” explains Dr. Reisser.
There will always be comparisons,
but siblings should generally
treat each other as being on the
same team. “Build a culture of love
and respect in your home,” says
Dr. Cartmell. Have fun together.
Whether it’s a family movie night
or a hike with a picnic lunch, you’re
nurturing peace and teamwork, giving
your kids a safe space to bond
and relate to one another.
Competition for attention
I often think of when our oldest,
Mikayla, got her first sibling. We had
tried to prepare her for the arrival of
her sister, as much as it’s possible to
lovingly inform a toddler that she’s
not going to be the center of the universe
anymore. While she mostly
handled the transition well, crying
and confusion weren’t uncommon
in those first few days when she saw
Mommy holding Isabelle. It was a little
preview for the next several years
of our lives, of our children learning
a simple skill of how to share parents.
As parents, we have limits to our
capacity. But we need to make sure
that we have time and energy available
for every child in the family.
Take walks, one on one, with each
child. Dads, take a shy daughter to
the hardware store with you, and
stop for ice cream on the way back.
Moms, teach your son to bake cookies.
Listen as your children open up!
Take an interest in the things that
interest each child.
Kids will still fight, of course, but
they will grow through the conflict
if they are secure in the knowledge
that they are loved and cared for as
equal members of the family. •
Vance Fry is a former senior associate editor at
<strong>Focus</strong> on the Family.
LISTEN NOW!
Listen to our broadcast as
education expert Cynthia Tobias
shares practical ways to manage
sibling conflict.
<strong>Focus</strong>OnTheFamily.ca/Radio
HEAT OF THE BATTLE
BY DR. PAUL REISSER
Don’t get pulled into every conflict. Sometimes children
will start an uproar in a misguided attempt to
gain adult attention. Ignoring their efforts will reduce
the odds of a repeat performance. Even if that isn’t
their motivation, in some situations it’s reasonable to
give children a chance to sort out their own conflicts.
But don’t let conflicts get out of hand. If the children
are not arriving at an appropriate solution, if someone
is being bullied, or if insults (or fists) are flying, call a
time-out for tempers to cool down.
Repeatedly teach the principle of mutual respect
and its implications. Conflicts and disagreements
among children (and parents) must be settled within
a framework of mutual respect. This is the basis for
curbing insults and not allowing arguments to escalate
into physical combat.
Administer discipline privately. The embarassment
of being disciplined in front of people—especially other
children who may secretly take pleasure in watching the
punishment—is both painful and counterproductive
and more likely to lead to resentment than improved
behavior.
Discourage tattling. If one child tells you about
the misdeeds of another, the second child’s behavior
must be dealt with, assuming that the story is
true. But if the first child seems smug or gleeful while
reporting to you what his sibling did, or if he appears
to gloat over the other child’s discipline, he needs to
be reprimanded, too. The issue isn’t that he reported
the wrongdoing; at times such information may prevent
an accident or injury. But discourage the attitude
of tattling that derives satisfaction or pleasure from
another’s “crime and punishment.”
Remember that “this too will surely pass.” Will
children who have squabbled so intensely for years
actually have civilized relationships later in life? Yes,
it’s true: In the vast majority of cases, a child’s passage
into adolescence and adulthood ends sibling
warfare and replaces it with pleasant camaraderie,
deepening friendship and (most surprisingly) fervent
loyalty.
Taken from <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family’s Complete Guide to Baby & Child
Care. Copyright © 1997, 2007 by <strong>Focus</strong> on the Family. Reprinted with
permission of Tyndale House Publishers.
June / July 2020 FOCUS ON THE FAMILY 35