Happiful July 2020

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“ Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies – MOTHER TERESA Photography | Rayyu Maldives
TRUE LIFE How I fought my anorexia demons Rebecca was trapped in a cycle of despair as her eating disorder steadily destroyed her life – but eventually she found a way to break its hold Writing | Rebecca Quinlan I was standing at my own front door, terrified, unable to move. My mum and sister tried to get me inside, but I just froze. It was 4pm on Christmas Day 2010. While most people had spent the day with their families – eating, drinking, opening presents and playing games – I had been in hospital, where I had spent the past six months receiving treatment for anorexia nervosa. I was allowed home for two hours on Christmas Day, my first time out of hospital in six months. But I couldn’t go inside. Anorexia had destroyed every part of me, physically and mentally. I was having panic attacks five times a day – and Christmas was no exception. I burst into tears on the doorstep. How had anorexia got me to this point? I was sectioned, being tube-fed, and unable to step into my own home. For years anorexia had been my God – I had worshipped it and obeyed its every command. But now I had hit rock bottom. I was broken. I have had three admissions to hospitals for treatment of anorexia, and that Christmas was during the third. Between June 2008 and July 2011, I was in a revolving door – I went into hospital, was sectioned, tube-fed, forced to gain weight, but when released I instantly lost weight, and within four months was back at the brink of death. At each admission my liver was at the point of failure, my heart was minutes from packing in. Each time I pushed my body to the point where I couldn’t walk or talk, or barely even breathe. And the admissions never got any easier. During my first, I was very defiant. I broke all the rules. I hated everything and everyone making me gain weight. All I wanted was anorexia, and I was determined that I would lose all the weight they made me gain, and more. Which is exactly what I did. It was only during my third admission that I started to hate anorexia. When I hit rock bottom that Christmas Day, I knew that something had to change. I couldn’t keep going like this. So, instead of fighting for anorexia, I decided to fight for life. I wasn’t ready to give up anorexia completely, but I wanted to be able to manage it. I wanted to have friends, and go out with them for meals. I wanted to sit round the table at home and eat dinner with my family. These were things I had missed out on for years, and I was desperate to be able to do them. So, slowly, we gradually started re-introducing liquids, and eventually, after nine months of not eating food, in March 2011 I started to eat again. >>> July 2020 • happiful.com • 39
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