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TRUE LIFE When love becomes an unbearable burden A father tells, for the first time, how he struggled to come to terms with his child’s non-binary sexuality, depression, and suicidal impulses – and how their journey to understanding showed him how to become a better parent Writing | S Suresh “ You two created this beautiful miracle with the help of God!” exclaimed a stranger, looking at our fourmonth-old, Kav, in 2002. That miracle of ours, who recently turned 18, tried to take their life earlier this year. This is the story of how Kav was pushed to that brink, and my journey coming to accept Kav’s gender identity, and mental illness. I hope what I share for the first time here, will help others. As a child, Kav was happy, sociable, and a joy to be with. How then, in the span of a decade, could they be diagnosed with depression and anxiety? The three years of middle school turned out to be some of the worst in Kav’s life. Kav was, and still is, a deeply caring, empathetic person. Middle school girls can be mean when they gang up against a “goody two shoes” child. The very qualities we cherish came to be Kav’s nemesis with a clique of girls. Kav withdrew into a shell – being present, but not visible. In a small class of about 20, Kav’s drama teacher included everybody in a play, but forgot to cast Kav. That insensitive act, the inability to fit in or create meaningful friendships, and the bullying, chipped away at Kav’s self-confidence. To this day, they are working on reclaiming their sense of self. Around the same time, Kav was questioning their gender identity and sexuality. I vividly recall 12-year-old Kav saying: “Appa, I don’t feel that way about boys… the way I am supposed to…” While I didn’t dismiss Kav’s feelings, I failed to give it importance or understand that it was one of the reasons they were bullied. None of this affected Kav’s academic performance, which met my expectations as a father. Kav also secured admission to two private high schools, neither of which they were keen on attending. Kav picked the school of my choice, presumably yielding to pressure from me. The summer before high school, Kav cut themselves for the first time. On the advice of a friend of ours, Kav started seeing a therapist and psychiatrist. That my child preferred discussing their troubles with strangers was difficult for me to digest. Within six months, Kav started taking antidepressants. I hated the idea of my child needing medication for mental illness, but hoped that Kav would quickly be weaned off them. I also thought high school would be different, and that with therapeutic help, Kav would bounce back to normal. But in the end, neither came to pass. >>> <strong>July</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 87
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