Gaslighting How abusive people create self-doubt in their victims Have you ever been forced to question your version of events? To wonder if your memory is playing tricks – or your own eyes and ears? For victims of gaslighting, the seeds of doubt are sewn deep, but the good news is they can be uprooted Writing | Andrew Pain
The wine was flowing, the dinner party in full swing and, as usual, my wife was holding court. She was describing her experiences undertaking a Postgraduate Certificate in Education, with a work placement on the Isle of Sheppey, when she referenced the local drug abuse issues. “95% of people on the Isle of Sheppey are drug addicts.” I shuddered. This is how things always went. She’d start off with a great story, then take it too far. The people around the table looked at each other in disbelief. No one dared say a word (they never did), and she carried on regardless. Later that evening, I summoned the courage to question her: “Darling, you were in great form last night, but… are you sure about that 95% statistic? It doesn’t sound quite right.” Her glare cut through me. “You pedantic t**t!” My mouth went dry, and my heart was racing. As expected, she’d not taken this well and it was going only one way: rage then violence (it always did). “Why can’t you just enjoy the evening?” She said. “You do this with the kids, always f***g picking at them. Now you want to have a go at me?” I could hear my young daughter crying upstairs, woken again by the shouting – it was all my fault. My wife stormed out the house and I breathed a sigh of relief – at least I didn’t get hit this time, but I’d been stupid for being so As with many victims of gaslighting, I reached the point where I was struggling to make decisions for myself pedantic. So what if the stat was wrong; it probably wasn’t that far off, right? Gaslighting: in abusive relationships, abusers skilfully take control of your every thought by pouring doubt into your mind, about: • What they said • What you did or said • What the people around you think/thought • Events in the past – “No it didn’t happen like that, it was like this” • Your traits and skills – “No, you’re not talented – you never were” or: “You have some talent, but you’re so arrogant about it”. Bit by bit, the onslaught wears you down and the stories your abuser spins in your mind have two purposes: 1. To ensure that you doubt yourself. 2. To ensure that you trust your abuser completely, and follow their every command. For a victim of gaslighting, it can become harder and harder to speak out, because every negative situation, every problem that arises is twisted to convince you that you’re at fault. And when you hear it enough, you start to believe it, too. The abuser will often isolate the victim from their friends and family, which makes them all the more reliant on the abuser, with no one to speak up and say that what they’re being told, and how they’re treated, isn’t right. Their support networks crumble away, and it becomes increasingly difficult to break free from the gaslighter’s control. My ex-wife convinced me that my family wanted me to remain as a little boy, and in order to mature, I had to cease contact with them. On the odd occasion when they would still visit, my ex’s behaviour made the situation unbearable and humiliating – making it the more appealing choice to have less contact with us all together. When people would question her behaviour, I became my wife’s greatest excuse-maker to justify it all. “She’s tired.” “The kids are wearing her out.” “She’s working through some stuff.” “She’s under a lot of pressure.” As with many victims of gaslighting, I reached the point where I was struggling to make decisions for myself, out of fear for picking the wrong thing – I lost my confidence and self-esteem, which again keeps victims trapped in this destructive situation. >>> <strong>July</strong> <strong>2020</strong> • happiful.com • 65
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